Page 72 of Cruel King

I think about saying something to Theo about it, but I don’t want to ruin our time together. Matthias is who he is. There’s nothing either one of us can do to change that.

CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

Matthias

Weeks of havingto work side-by-side with Ava on this damn estate bullshit while she and my brother are together every waking moment makes me want to kill someone. Obviously, Theo has decided it’s time to settle down since he always said Ava wasn’t the type of girl you mess around with but definitely the kind of girl you marry.

I’ve never been jealous of that brother. He was my best friend growing up. Out of all of my brothers, I’m closest to him.

Or at least I was.

Now I can barely look at him without being filled with envy. I should want him to be happy. I love him. Yet I can’t bring myself to feel that way.

We’re drifting apart further and further every day, and there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s all my fault. I’m consumed with jealousy over him being with Ava. I can’t tell anyone about it because the only two people I would tell are involved.

It’s tearing me up to have to be around her and not be able to have any chance to ever be with her again. I moved thousands of miles away to try to forget her, but it didn’t work. From the moment I saw her that first day back, all I wanted to do was tell Ava how much I missed her.

But then the memory of how I felt that day after Theo told me she left comes rushing back into my mind, and I’m blinded by hate. That’s all she ever sees, but hidden away deep inside is what I’ve always felt for her.

Love.

I had hoped with a little time I’d be able to push aside my emotions and be around her without wanting to lash out. If I could do that, then maybe she’d see the person I was with her back then still exists.

All that became impossible once she and Theo got together.

Now it takes every ounce of strength I possess to even come out of my room because I know at some point I’m going to see the two of them kissing or being playful somewhere in the house. I walked into the kitchen yesterday and she was practically sitting on his lap as they ate lunch. All I could do was turn around and walk out in disgust.

But it’s never disgust I feel.

The jealousy eats at me twenty-four hours a day. It makes sleeping next to impossible, so I spend night after night staring up at the ceiling trying to convince myself I truly hate Ava Sutton with all of my being.

That’s not even the tiniest bit true.

I don’t hate her. I’ve never hated her. Even after she left without even saying goodbye and even when I knew she was keeping in contact with Theo but didn’t bother to talk to me, I didn’t hate her. I wanted to. I tried to. God knows I tried to change my love to hate, but it never worked.

Every time I say something cruel to her, I have to stop myself from saying I’m sorry. It takes everything I have inside me to pretend to loathe her. It’s exhausting. If I wasn’t so consumed by jealousy that she’s with my brother, I’d sleep like a fucking baby I’m so tired.

Living so close to her is pure agony. I’d give anything for the pain to stop. I have more money than I know what to do with now, but no amount can make my life better because I don’t have her.

I cautiously walk to the kitchen, looking around the corner to see if the lovebirds are here before I get excited about grabbing something to eat. Eleanor stands at the island chopping up something that looks like a salad. Probably for Ava since Theo and Marius wouldn’t touch a salad if their lives depended on it, and I can’t remember the last time I had any green leafy vegetables.

“Matthias, there’s chicken salad for lunch. Would you like me to make you a sandwich?” she asks when I sit down at the table on the other side of the room.

Nodding at the thought of one of Eleanor’s famous chicken salad sandwiches, I walk over to the refrigerator to get a drink of iced tea. “Yeah, that would be good. Thanks.”

No sooner do I pour myself a glass and sit back down, I hear footsteps coming toward us. Dread fills me, followed immediately by anger. Can’t I even have a fucking sandwich for lunch without being subjected to those two?

I hold my breath as I wait to see who it is, and when Marius rounds the corner, I nearly jump up and hug him I’m so relieved to see his face. “Hey, what’s up?”

My brother looks at me oddly, not surprising since I sounded downright gleeful to see him. “Hey, what the hell are you so happy about? I thought your thing was being the most miserable person in the world.”

“I’m not happy,” I say, lying as I silently thank God for the reprieve from Theo and Ava and their romance show. “Well, maybe a little to see you, but we’re brothers and I don’t hate you, so it’s only natural.”

He sits down at the table across from me and studies my face for a few seconds. “Everything okay with you, Matthias? You’re acting weird.”

“So much for brotherly love,” I say with a chuckle before taking a sip of iced tea.

“Marius, I’m making your brother a chicken salad sandwich. Do you want one too?” Eleanor asks.