Page 33 of Truck Up
“I can’t do this!” I yell. My frustration with my current emotional state is getting to be too much for me to control. “She’s ruined, and it’s all my fault.”
“Christian,” she says calmly. “She’s not ruined. You’re both responsible for this pregnancy. She willingly entered this relationship with you, same as you did with her.”
“Yeah, but she’s a good person. I’m not.”
“No, that’s one of those lies we’re working on reversing. Youarea good person.”
“A good person wouldn’t have done the things I’ve done. Just look at me and my life. I can’t be a good father.”
“Our past actions don’t dictate our self-worth. You’ve learned from those actions, and you’ve grown. You’re a good man, and you’ll be a great father. And I’ll tell you that however many times I have to until you believe it.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you have a good heart.” She takes a bite of her sandwich and stares at me while she chews. After she swallows, she takes a drink from her water bottle. “You’re here by choice. No one ordered you to go to therapy. You made the conscious decision to be better and do whatever it took to save your life. You’re kind, funny, and loyal. You care deeply about your family and friends. You love deeply and fiercely. You are good and worthy of good things. One of these days, you’ll believe it. Until then, we keep working on that list of lies that make you think otherwise. Okay?”
I sag in my chair and swallow back a groan. I’ve lost count of how many times she’s told me this. She keeps telling me that the day will come when I believe her, but so much time has passed since she started working with me that I’m doubting her.
I push to my feet and crack my neck. “I hope you’re right. ’Cause if you’re not, I’m going to lose her and fuck up a kid.” Then I point toward her half-eaten sandwich. “Sorry I monopolized your lunch.”
She says something after she calls out my name, but I don’t hear her. I’m already out the door and halfway down the hallway. I’m not sure what I thought I’d get out of a session with her. She always tells me the same damn thing, but somehow, I feel better.
Not great, but better. And that in and of itself is a miracle.
Maybe that’s a sign that this will all be okay after all. I’m not sure how, but I’ll take even the slightest sliver of hope if it means I get to keep Amelia.
Chapter 7
Shit hits the fan.
Amelia
Aloud crash booms from behind me, followed by the sound of something shattering. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.Please don’t let it be the flowers.
Whatever it is, it’ll be fine. It has to be. There’s no time to change course now.
I’ve been at the community center all afternoon to help set up for Grams’s birthday party and take care of the table decorations. Besides the flower arrangements, I offered to handle the tablecloths and accent decorations. With the rowdy Mutter brothers helping, it’s taken longer than I expected.
I should have anticipated this, but alas …
Ash and Warren still aren’t here. I’m not surprised about Warren. He’s always been antisocial, but Ash should be here by now. It’s not like him to miss out on something like this. He’s always in the middle of the Mutter brother’s fun. Often, he’s leading it.
I check the time and panic sets in. I still have three tables to arrange, and it’s almost six o’clock. Guests should arrive any minute now.
Where did the afternoon go?
I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. I take a few more deep breaths before I turn around. Whatever mess they’ve made now, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do about it.
My entire body relaxes when I see it’s only the ladder and an empty punch bowl that made the loud crash. One of the Mutter men must have knocked it over when they were goofing around.
They’ve spent more time acting like children than grown men. As a result, most of the decorations look like they were put up and planned out by a group of five-year-olds—a complete contrast to my table decorations. It’s kind of cute actually, and I’m sure Grams will love it.
A smile covers my face as I watch them. The Mutters are good people with lots of heart and love to share. I wish my family could see that. My family is still stuck in the past.
Those boys have had a rough go at life. None of which was their fault. They’ve made the best of it and have worked hard to break the chains of neglect and abuse they were born into. It only makes me like them more.
I glimpse at Christian out of the corner of my eye. Once again, he’s watching me, and it gives me goosebumps. My stomach also gets jitters.
Mostly, my stomach has been behaving today. I haven’t felt that sick, which is a major plus. I’ve had too much work to do for nausea. But every time I feel Christian’s eyes on me, that changes.