Page 66 of Lost In The Dark
“I just feel so empty,” she admitted. “I don’t have any strength left, Kane, and there’s so much left I need to fight through. How can I d-do that? I don’t even know if I want to.” her voice broke at the end, then she was hiding her face as she sobbed, deep, heart breaking sobs against me. I held her and tried my best to soothe her, but it was pointless to talk. She was falling apart and who was I to reassure her with fake platitudes? She had lived through a nightmare most people couldn’t even stand to watch on their televisions, and she didn’t feel strong enough to get through it. Who could blame her for the direction her thoughts were taking? I’d definitely been there myself.
Finally she calmed herself back down and lifted her eyes to meet mine. I took a deep breath, then asked her what I asked myself when things got too dark.
“Do you really want to end your life, Addy?” She looked to me with surprise. “Think about what you have to fight for. Think about Asher and Eli. Think about the home you’ve made here and the friends you have now,” I went on, refusing to refer toAdam and Jordan as more than that. “Think about the dreams you had as a kid and imagine they could become a possibility one day. Is any of that worth fighting to live for? Do any of those things make you want to live in this moment right here?”
She took the time to think, not answering right away. I could see the struggle all over her face as she weighed up everything I had said.
“Yes,” she finally whispered. “But…”
“No. No buts. No letting that darkness inside of you take away that ‘yes’ that you just gave me. That’s what you need to cling to right now. This darkness, it’s going to be a part of you from now on. You’ll do things to make it less and learn to hold it back. In time it will fade and get less noisy in your head, but it will always be a part of you. You have to learn to live with it and take control of it when it starts to rear up.”
“That’s what Adam said too,” she nodded. “But what if it’s just too big and dark right now to try and control? That’s what was happening tonight. It was getting this hold on me and I c-couldn’t stop it. I was starting to think maybe I should just end things there and then. I was starting to lose control,” she sniffled.
“Itistoo big and too dark right now, any you said it yourself, you’re empty – completely worn out and broken down. I’m not arguing with any of that, because you’re right. I see it. I’ve been where you are. You’re exhausted, Angel, and you feel like you just can’t even try anymore.”
“Then what do I do? Give up?”
“No. Never. You rely on others. You come to me, or your brothers, or your friends, and you tell them it’s getting too dark.You admit you’re lost and you let them help you find the way out again. You count on them to come for you when you need them until you feel strong enough to do it yourself. You don’t give up, Angel. You surrender just a little trust to those who love and care about you. Do you understand? You don’t have to do this alone. You can’t. No one can,” I explained.
“I feel like I’m losing my mind, Kane,” she whispered as more tears slipped down her already red and blotchy cheeks. Her beautiful brown eyes were glittering in the firelight and she just looked so young and fragile.
“You’re not. There’s just a lot going on up here right now,” I told her as I ran a hand over the top of her head and smoothed back her wild hair. “You’ll learn to control it eventually, but there will be times right now, where you feel like the darkness is controlling your thoughts. It can take a grip on you until you feel like you’re drowning in despair.”
“That’s what happened. My thoughts…they were just getting worse and worse and I…I had that flashback. I don’t want to feel that way again. I d-don’t want to die, Kane. I’m just so scared to live right now though too.”
“Sshh now,” I soothed, seeing tears building in her eyes once again. “You’re exhausted. It’s been a crappy day. Try to rest a little, okay? Things will feel clearer after some sleep.”
“I sh-should go. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Enough of that. You’re staying here with me. Close your eyes and get comfortable. You’re not going anywhere.” I knew I had to be confusing her, but nothing would force me to let her go in that moment. She needed me and I refused to let her down again. I was relieved when she snuggled in closer against my front and lay her head sideways against my chest. I wrapped myarms tighter around her and held her securely, hoping if she felt protected, it would ease how badly she still shook. “Everything’s going to be okay, Addy. I promise you,” I whispered, but I was pretty sure she was already out.
CHAPTER 21
ADDY
I was so confused when I awoke the next morning and realized I was back in my bed, in my room in the house. I sat up and looked around, but I was alone, and I had no memory of how I got there.
Had I dreamt the whole thing? My pounding head only hurt more as I tried to think straight. The last I remembered I had been in Kane’s lap, showing him just how broken I was. He’d told me I wasn’t leaving and then nothing.God, I really am losing my mind!
I climbed out of bed just desperate to get moving and focus on something other than the mess that was my mind, but as soon as I stood I realized I was wearing a sweater that wasn’t mine, and that I definitely didn’t go to bed in. It hung almost to my knees and the long sleeves had been rolled up a ways. I pulled the collar up to my nose and inhaled.
“Kane,” I whispered, instantly recognizing the smell of his cologne on the fabric. I hadn’t dreamt the whole thing. I realized he must have brought me back home after I fell asleep on him.
It was crazy what a relief that was to me. Firstly, it meant I wasn’t completely losing my mind, and secondly, it meant the memory I had of the conversation between Kane and I was real. He’d told me he didn’t hate me. He had feelings for me just as Ihad for him, only he was too loyal to Asher to act on them. That soothed me somewhat, to know what was going on between us wasn’t just one sided, even if it couldn’t go anywhere.
I sighed deeply as I realized how crazy my life was right then. On top of everything going on, I had gone and fallen for three guys all at once. And it wasn’t just crushes. I had real, genuine feelings for them. I didn’t know what it was like to fall for someone, but I was pretty sure that was what was happening to me. I was falling for Adam, Jordan, and Kane all at once and it was just ludicrous. Especially since I was in the worst state I had ever been in, and in no position to even consider dating or anything that entailed. Not with one guy and certainly not with three.
“You’re so messed up,” I whispered to my reflection as I walked into the bathroom.
I rushed through a shower, washing and drying my hair which was a complete mess from the events of the day before and the shower I’d taken during the night. I pulled on some jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt then forced myself to look in the mirror. It was something I hated to do now. I hated the person who looked back. She wasn’t me. She was a stranger, wearing my face. There was no life in my eyes anymore – just darkness. My eyes were constantly ringed with red circles, and I had heavy bags underneath. I was exhausted and I looked it, my face way too thin and drawn. I didn’t think I would ever be brave enough to look at the reflection of my entire body. I knew there were scars. I’d glimpsed them, curling round from my back and onto my hips, in the shower, but I never wanted to see the full extent. I knew I just wasn’t tough enough for that and all the pain it would bring.
It was going to be a rough morning I realized as I left the room and started down the stairs. Kane had told me I needed to relyon the people in my life and that morning I got it, because I just didn’t think I could face another second alone. My thoughts were already becoming heavy and I just needed someone else to be there with me.
I was shaky as I moved down the stairs. It was early and I knew I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep. Not a great start after what the doctor had advised, but what could I do? I had a feeling it would be a long time before I slept soundly through the night.
Eli and Jordan were sat at the counter in the kitchen when I walked in. Adam was cooking, as usual, and Asher pouring coffee. Eli and Asher were dressed for the office, and Adam and Jordan always got up early to get in a workout before breakfast. They were all laughing about something to do with a sports game I didn’t understand, but it was a relief to see them all looking so relaxed and casual after the stress of the day before.
“Addy. You’re up early?” Eli said when he noticed me standing, just watching them all. He got to his feet and came over to me, instantly pulling me in for a hug. I returned it eagerly, happy to be in his arms. “How are you feeling?” he asked as he pulled back and looked me over. There was no missing the worry that crossed his face when he saw my still red, blotchy face and bloodshot eyes.