Page 68 of Lost In The Dark
“You need to show me how you did that, Kane. I can’t get her to eat anything,” Eli piped up as he looked between Kane and I with confusion.
“What can I say? It’s a gift,” he joked as he looked to me with a smile that lit his whole face. He was so handsome, and I knew I was blushing as I just stared.
“You know about Addy’s appointment this afternoon, don’t you? It’s her first session with the counselor.” Asher asked.
“All handled. JT and King will follow us in a separate car. Is anyone going with you, Addy?” he asked as he handed me a plate filled with just a little bacon and eggs. I smiled gratefully, then blushed even more when he grabbed his own plate and sat right beside me.
“No. I…I wanted to do it alone,” I answered when everyone looked to me. I had barely even realized Kane had asked me anything.
“You won’t be alone. I’ll be there,” he told me simply.
“Okay,” I nodded as I turned my focus to the food on the plate. I forced a few forkfuls down, the whole time conscious of how close Kane sat to me, and confused as hell about what any of it meant. I knew I needed to stop thinking about these three guys and focus on what was important – getting through the jumble my head had become and finding my feet again - but I just couldn’t seem to do that.
I couldn’t forget about Adam, Jordan, or Kane. Mainly because I lived with them and they were always there, but also because my brain just wouldn’t let me. It was like Kane had said the night before. I was being drawn to all three of them and no matter how hard I fought it, the feelings for them would not be denied, no matter how many times I told myself it could never be anything more than that. I just didn’t understand why it all had to be happening right then – at the toughest, most messed up point in my entire life. I wasn’t even a little equipped to deal with it all, even if deep down I wished I were.
***
That afternoon had been tough too. First just leaving the property with Kane had been nerve wracking, because I was still so unsure where I stood with him, and he was all I had as I faced an appointment that completely terrified me.
Kane hadn’t spoken in the car really, except to ask me if I was alright. When I lied and said I was, he’d left it at that and we’d driven in silence.
Then we got to the modern building where the counselor had her office and all of my fear had reared up at once. I wasn’t sure I could really face talking to a stranger about how messed up my head really was. The notion of recounting what I couldremember had me trembling and the tingling coming to my fingers and toes as anxiety rushed upon me all at once.
Kane had noticed, of course. It seemed he could read my every thought and emotion and in that moment, when I was trying so hard to stay strong and just get through the whole thing, that wasn’t ideal. He’d tried to talk to me as we walked into the building, but I’d just brushed him off saying I was fine, and he’d eventually given up, but he did wrap his arm around me as we moved up to the second floor and to the office Asher had told me to go to. I had accepted that small comfort, knowing I was freaking out more and more with every step we took towards the office.
The session itself had been a rollercoaster of emotions. First I was pleasantly surprised by how kind and patient the counsellor – Laura, as she told me to call her – had been. Her office was warm and inviting, and we had sat in comfortable armchairs as she told me about herself and asked me to do the same. Then she had asked me why I was there and what I wanted to get from the sessions. That’s when things had become tougher. I’d told her the skeletal details of what had happened to me in the time I was held captive, or at least what I knew from the police and my memories and flashbacks. That had been tough enough, then she had wanted to know about how I was coping and I’d just fallen apart. I’d told her how out of control my thoughts became and about me zoning out. I detailed the flashbacks, and anxiety attacks I suffered with, as well as the nightmares. She assured me we could work through all of it and suggested we meet twice a week for the time being.
By the time I left the office I was in a state. Detailing everything I was dealing with had make me feel even more messed up than I already thought I was, and it had brought back a lot ofthe images that haunted me on a regular basis. I had been so relieved and grateful when I stepped into the small waiting room outside the office and found Kane waiting for me.
“I’ll see you on Friday, okay Addy?” Laura asked.
“Yes. Thanks,” I forced a smile and I was relieved when she went back inside and shut the office door, leaving me alone with Kane.
“That bad, huh?” Kane asked when I looked up to him shakily.
“Worse,” I replied, my voice raspy.
“Come here, Angel.” He opened his arms out to me and I didn’t hesitate to step forward into them. I fought not to cry as I pressed my face against the front of his shoulder and tried to take some strength from how tightly he was holding me. “Talk to me,” he said after a few minutes, but he showed no sign of releasing me, which was fine with me. I would have happily stayed there in his arms all afternoon if I could.
“Not much to say,” I shrugged. “It was just really hard, but I got through it.”
“Of course you did. How are you feeling?”
“Pretty wrung out to be honest. It was a lot.” I admitted.
“I’m so proud of you for doing it, Addy. I know it wasn’t easy but you got through it and you’re being so strong now,” he told me and I just sank further into him as his words washed over me. It felt good that he was proud of me and that, for once, he got to see me managing to keep myself together. God knew he’d seen enough of me freaking out and falling apart.
“I have to come back on Friday, and Laura said the sessions will be tough at first,” I sighed.
“They will, but you’ll deal with it, just like you dealt with today. You’re more resilient than you realize.”
“Really? Because right now I just feel exhausted.”
“You want to go home so you can get some rest?” he asked. I considered it, but if I tried to sleep, I knew things would only get harder. Nightmares were never far away.
“Do you think we could go toLyle? I’d like to see Asher and Eli if they’re not busy. Maybe we could get a late lunch or something?” I suggested instead. I wanted to spend some time with my brothers outside of the house and I wanted them to see me when I was managing to remain calm and in control.
“Of course. You want me to call Ash and tell him we’re coming?”