Page 27 of Forever Found

“I’m not going over the whole thing again. I was barely even hurt. I have a few bruises, scratches, and a headache. Eli got me out of there so fast they barely had time to do anything. It’s Eli who got shot. I’m alright,” I tried to soothe him.

“That sonofabitch, Max Kline, is dead if I ever get my hands on him.”

“The police are searching for him. The FBI too. Eli and I had to give statements before we could leave Vegas. Once they catch Max, they told us he’ll have so many charges against him, he’ll never escape a prison sentence,” I explained.

“It’s not enough. He should die for everything he’s done, and everything he put you and Eli through.”

“I don’t care about that now, Ad. Max is gonna be so busy running to escape the cops, he won’t come near me again, and he was the last piece of this whole mess. It’s over, and everyone I care about is safe. It’s time to look forwards, not backwards,” I told him, even though inside, that felt like an impossible task.

“I might need a little time first, honey. I’m still trying to deal with the fact you were taken from me,” he admitted.

“I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere either.” I cuddled into him even tighter and listened to the comforting sound of his breaths. He didn’t speak again and I knew he was deep in thought, likely still blaming himself for what happened. It seemed he, like me, would need some more time to put the past where it belonged and move forwards. My real concern was that I was going to need a hell of a lot more than time though. I was going to need millions of hours with my therapist, a ton of strength I didn’t have left, and a freaking miracle if I was ever going to overcome the past enough to see the future before me.

I had thought I was getting better before the attack at the house. I was feeling brighter and more positive. Having Kane, Adam, and Jordan in my life made me feel like I could focus on the future. I had Asher and Eli who I loved and trusted implicitly. I had thought with the focus of our new youth center to focus on that I was beginning to see the light behind the darkness, but that had all changed.

Being taken, seeing Bull, and discovering Max’s betrayal, it had brought so much of my darkness back. Losing Adam and dealing with Eli getting shot had only added to the harrowing memories that lived within me, and it had all just proven that I wasn’t the strong person I thought I was at all. It had shown me that I was weak. It had proved that rather than overcoming my darkness, I had just been hiding in the eye of it all, and now it was storming within me once again. It was time, I realized, to choose whether I held on and rode the storm out until I got to the sunlight once again, or just gave over to it, and gave up the fight all together, allowing the storm to take me and swirl me into the darkness for good.

I’d loved to have said that was an easy decision at that point. That I was ready to fight for everything I had and everyone I loved and cared for, but the truth was I was broken, and feeling defeated. Despite everything I knew I should hold on for, my body was telling me it would be so much easier to just let go, and I just didn’t have the strength to argue with it.

My childhood. My mom’s abuse. Being kidnapped and used against my will repeatedly, then being sold to that monster Hilton. The abuse. The torture. That trauma. My father and his evil deeds. The explosion at the house. Max. Adam and Eli getting hurt because of me. It was all just enough, wasn’t it? Christ, I hadn’t even got back all of my horror filled memories of those two years, I didn’t even know how I escaped it all yet, but it likely involved me killing a man. Could I handle that? Could I truly handle anything more than the masses and masses that already weighed me down into the deep dark bowels of my fear and depression? No. The answer was no! No more!

I loved Kane, Adam, and Jordan so much. I loved my brothers too. They had given me so much more than they could ever know, but I was drowning and I just wasn’t sure they were enough to make me want to keep flailing to the top any longer.

CHAPTER 10

ADDY

“Hey. What are you up to?” Eli asked as he walked into the kitchen. It had been three weeks since Eli and I had been snatched from the house, and Eli was doing a lot better. The wound on his arm had closed up and though he didn’t have full range of movement back yet, he was managing to do everything he usually did, including swimming each morning, which he had resumed a few days before.

“You’re back,” I remarked as I sat up straight, startled by his arrival. “What did the doctor say?” Asher had driven Eli to the hospital for a follow up appointment.

“All good. He said the wound’s healing perfectly and he doesn’t even think I’ll need physio. He told me to just keep up with swimming,” Eli explained as he sat at the table kitty corner to me and turned the screen of my laptop so he could see it. “Community college?” he questioned when he saw the web page.

“Yeah. I’m thinking of taking some classes,” I shrugged.

“Really? What were you thinking?”

“I’m not sure. I just want something that will help me deal with the kids at the center. Maybe counselling or child care? Something like that.”

The center was on course to open in one month. Since Adam was out of action Jordan had done a lot of the work himself, but also brought in some contractors. Most of the work was finished or due to finish that week, then Eli would go in and brighten the place up with his artwork. I had been going in with Jordan to work on setting everything up, including the office, and the kitchen we planned to use to provide treats and snacks to the kids. Ash had the paperwork in hand and we had been through the appropriate checks to work with kids and had permits and insurance in place.

I had tried hard to be as excited about it all as I had been before, and I really had dived into help set it all up, but inside I was struggling, not just with the center, but with everything.

Ever since the kidnapping and our escape I had been spiraling into depression and I knew it. I also knew my therapist knew that, since she had told me so, more than once, not that it had elicited a response from me. Nothing she said did anymore. I took the video sessions on my laptop three times a week to stop my brothers and my guys from worrying more than they were, but I never really spoke other than to be polite. I was done sharing and rehashing my hell. I didn’t want to go over and over it anymore. That was happening enough every single time I closed my eyes, and no matter what, nothing made it better any more.

“I think that’s a great idea. Do you need any help? Do they have like an open day or anything, so that we could go and check out the place?” Eli asked enthusiastically. He was worried about me. They all were. As usual. I tried hard to feign happiness for them, but I was even failing at that lately. The fact I had lost too much weight and constantly looked exhausted and haggard didn’t help much either.

“I guess. I don’t know,” I answered with another shrug.

“I’ll take a look with you, but how about we eat lunch first? Has Adam eaten?” Eli asked as he got to his feet and headed for the kitchen.

I shrugged again, this time with a sigh. Adam had barely spoken to me since he was discharged from the hospital over two weeks before. He avoided me as much as possible and when we did see each other he just barked at me that I needed to sleep and eat more, then disappeared. For the last week he had barely left the home gym and I knew I wasn’t the only one who was worried about him. Ash, Jordan, and Eli were both tearing their hair out that he wouldn’t speak to them about what was bugging him either.

I was pretty sure he was avoiding me because he blamed me for what happened to him, and why shouldn’t he? It had been my fault and I had already fully accepted that fact. The part that I didn’t want to accept was that it was going to take Adam from me, but what could I do? How could he be with me after what my mess had put him through? He was lucky he was even alive.

Kane had been different too. His overprotectiveness had reached new levels of crazy, and he was driving me insane with his need to always know where I was, and what I was doing. He refused to allow me to leave the house without him, even if Ash or one of the others were with me, and any feelings we had between us were slipping away – his because he was more worried about protecting me than actually being with me, and mine because it had gotten to the point where I didn’t want to see him and get another lecture on safety or taking care of myself. It had come to a point where I was actively avoiding him and his surly attitude and I hated it, but that was what it had come to.

The only one of my guys who remained the same was Jordan, and I needed that sameness and normality so much from him. His ability to make me laugh and smile was one of the only things keeping me barely afloat, That and my brothers who, though they were obviously worried about me, tried hard to just create more ‘normal’ for me.