Page 40 of Forever Found
I missed my guys, I thought all at once. I loved my brothers and I knew I was safe with them, and loved by them. They had been amazing over the days we had been there on our impromptu vacation, but I missed my guys and in that moment, I needed them all. I needed to feel them hold me and hear them tell me I could get through this, because they were the only ones who could truly make me reach into the small reserve of strength I had left to keep going – or at east keep trying to.
“Addy? Shortcake? Can you hear us?” Eli asked when I didn’t reply or even move. It was the fear in his voice, so evident and clear, tearing at me deeply, that made me lower my hands and look to where I knew Asher was at my right side. I was cryinghard and trembling violently, so all I managed was a nod, but it was all Asher needed as he scooped me up and hurried inside the house with me in his arms.
The sound of the door slamming closed a moment later had me jumping badly, and I pressed my face against Ash’s bare shoulder as more tears came – this time of embarrassment at what a disaster I knew I was. I had jumped at a damned door closing!
“Sshh, Addy. We’re here. Everything’s okay. We’re safe here,” Asher soothed.
“I’ll stoke the fire,” I heard Eli say, but I didn’t look up. Even if I wanted to, I wasn’t sure I had the energy.
“I’ll do it. Here, sit with Addy and hold onto her. We have to get her warm. She’s like a block of ice,” Asher said, then I was handed between them. My head rested on Eli’s shoulder instead, as he sat on the sofa and resettled me on his lap. He pulled me tighter to his body and held me securely. A blanket was wrapped around my shivering body, and minutes later I felt the heat from the roaring log fire, which Asher must have gotten going. Slowly I warmed and the sobs stopped, though that was more through exhaustion than me pulling myself together. I could hear the murmurs of my brothers talking every now and then, but I was so exhausted I drifted in and out, relieved every time I came around again, to find myself still clinging to Eli, and him making me feel secure.
I didn’t know how long had passed the next time I jolted awake, but I knew I’d been asleep for longer than before. I was no longer in Eli’s arms, the feel of the sofa beneath me, and a blanket keeping me warm. I opened my eyes and the blazing fire came into focus before me. I was laid on my side, my head resting ona warm thigh. I turned enough to look up, and allowed myself to breathe when I saw Asher looking down at me. He had a t-shirt on now, and my head lay on the soft cotton of his sweats.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he whispered as he smiled gently.
“Hey,” I croaked, my throat obviously a state from the screaming. “Where’s Eli?” I asked. Asher nodded behind me, and when I sat up just a little I saw him in one of the armchairs, passed out with a blanket over him.
“He finally dropped off about thirty minutes ago,” Ash told me. “How are you feeling?”
“Embarrassed,” I sighed as I forced myself to sit up. I set my feet on the floor and rested my elbows on my knees. I felt shaky and achy, but at least I wasn’t screaming or crying like a crazy person. “I’m sorry, Ash,” I added as I lowered my head into my hands and pushed my hands into my wild hair. “I shouldn’t have lost it like that.”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Addy, but I am really worried about you right now,” Ash said as he shuffled forward so he was right beside me. I pushed my hair out of my face and sat up, turning to look at him with all of my own fear undisguised and plain for him to see.
“So am I,” I admitted. Tears filled my eyes as it all hit me again – all of the mess in my head and the terrifying inability I had to even begin tackling any of it. I blinked furiously to stop them from falling though, refusing to cry again.
“We need to do something, don’t we? You can’t go on this way.”
“I was okay for a while,” I sighed brokenly. “Before Max. I wasn’t magically fixed, but I thought I had a handle on it all, you know. Now…I d-don’t have a handle on anything, Asher.”
“Tell me what you need, and we’ll make it happen. I spoke with your therapist yesterday and she mentioned to me about some facilities she thought might benefit you for a while. They call then trauma treatment centers, and they have in house counsellors, and this whole program that…”
“No,” I squeaked, cutting him off. “Please Asher. I know I’m a mess, but I can’t…please don’t s-send me away. I couldn’t….” The words I needed failed me as tears spilled down my cheeks and I desperately clutched at his arm, clinging to him so hard it likely hurt him. “Please…I’ll do better Asher. Please don’t send me…I can’t do that,” I whimpered, the last words barely coming out as more than a strained sound.
“Sshh. I would never send you away, little dot. I just wanted to give you the option. I’m trying to give you everything you need. All I want is for you to feel safe and loved so you can find your feet again, but I’m failing you, and it’s killing me.”
“I need to be with you and Eli,” I panted. I…I need you both. I can’t be…..be away….I can’t!”
“Then you’re going nowhere. Breathe for me now. I would never send you anywhere against your will, Addy. Whatever happens, you will have control. I swear I will never allow anyone to take your free will away from you ever again,” he promised as he pulled me into his side and sat back on the sofa, pulling me against him and holding me.
For a while we just sat in silence. I managed to calm my emotions and breathe more calmly, Asher keeping his arm around me and allowing me the time I needed.
“I just…” I began when I felt calm enough. “I just wish things could go back to normal…like they were before, I mean. BeforeMax took Eli and I. Before Adam got shot and our home was ruined. I was doing better then, wasn’t I?”
“You seemed happy with the center to focus on, and Adam, Kane, and Jordan making you smile all of the time, but it’s okay that you’re not okay now, Addy. A fucking psycho kidnapped you, and you went through a lot with Eli. It brought everything back for you, and that’s to be expected. It hasn’t helped the way Adam and Kane have been with you, and I know Eli and I weren’t there for you like we should have been either. We all failed you when you needed us most, and I’m sorrier than I can say for that.”
“You and Eli have never failed me once, Asher. Since the second you came into my life, all you’ve done is make me feel protected and cared for. I thank whatever powers will listen, every single day, for bringing you both into my life,” I told him firmly. I would never allow either of them to believe they had done anything but hold me up since I met them.
“Please, sweetheart, just tell me what I can do to make things better for you. Do you want to go home?” he asked, sounding pained.
“No,” I shook my head. “Not yet. I…I can’t go there right now. I tried, but it….it doesn’t feel safe like it did before. All I see in the kitchen is Bull attacking me. In the living room, I see Eli laid unconscious, blood pooling around him, and the front step…..God, I can’t even step on that step,” I confessed. “It’s going to take time for me to get rid of those images.”
“Well, that’s something I can fix. I’ll call the architect that I worked with last time, in the morning,” he declared with relief, like he could finally breathe again.
“What do you mean?”
“We’ll knock the house down and build a new one. Are you happy to stay in the same location, or would you like to start over completely?” he asked way too easily.
“Ash, don’t be insane. You can’t knock the house down and build another just because I’m messed up,” I groaned as it sank in that he was deadly serious.