Page 79 of The Scientist
“I understand,” my mom said softly. I’d felt suspended in mid-air up until that moment, but hearing her say those words brought me crashing back down to the ground. The anger flared in me, scorching through my veins.
“This can’t be it.” I stared at him, irate. “You’re supposed to be the best! We came here because you’re the best. Everyone said so. You can’t tell me there is nothing else you can do!”
“I’m sorry. I truly am.”
“No.” I started shaking with fear or with anger, I didn’t know which. “There must be something else you can do.”
“Hadley,” my mom said, reaching out to comfort me, but I shook her off.
“There must be something else. Another treatment…anything!” I shouted as I shot to my feet.
“There may be another treatment option,” he said calmly. “A drug trial that I’m conducting for your mom’s specific type of cancer, and I’ve been having promising results.”
“So put her in it,” I said sharply, unable to rein in my temper. The anger felt better than the devastation that loomed just below the surface.
“It isn’t that simple. The FDA only allows a certain number of patients per trial. It’s possible that if enough people drop out orchoose other treatment options, we could get your mom in. But those chances are slim, and your mom can’t wait much longer.”
This wasn’t happening. I could hear the words he was saying, but it was like I was hearing them through a glass enclosure. They seemed muffled as my attention came in and out of focus. The anger I’d felt was quickly fading, morphing into something far worse.
As I listened to him going through all the options she had, none of which would get her to a cure, the paralyzing fear started to set in.
We walked out of the office together enveloped in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. I wanted so badly to be there for her in this moment, to be a source of comfort, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
When we drove up to her house, I went inside with her, and we settled on the couch together. I stared blankly ahead, the shock still setting in.
“We’ll find another doctor, Mom,” I said, finally breaking the silence. “He obviously isn’t as good as we thought.”
“No, Hadley. We’ve been down this road. We’ve done the research. He’s the best there is. This isn’t his fault.”
“How can you be so calm about this?” I asked, fanning the flames of anger.
“Because I’m not afraid to die,” she said gently. “I’ve lived a good life. I always knew this was a possibility since I first got diagnosed. I’m only scared of leaving you without either of your parents.”
“Stop!” I cried, shooting up from the couch. I couldn’t listen to this. “Just… stop.”
“Hadley…” She tried to reach for me, but I turned and bolted out of the house, fleeing through the front door, and collapsing onto my knees in her yard. A loud, piercing scream tore from my throat and didn’t cease until my lungs started to burn.Myhead was spinning. Thoughts collided, nothing seemed to hold meaning, and nothing ever would. My world felt irreparably shattered.
Not a single tear fell as I sat in her front yard for what felt like an eternity, my eyes fixated on the empty driveway ahead.
“Come inside, Hadley. It’s getting dark out,” I heard her voice call from the doorway.
I knew I was being selfish, but I remained immobilized, unable to muster the strength to rise. The sound of the door closing echoed in the distance, yet I was still unable to scrape all the battered pieces of myself off the ground.
Time drifted by, and eventually I summoned enough strength to drag myself back inside where I found her lying in her bed. I didn’t know if she was sleeping, so I pulled back the covers as gently as I could and lay by her side. Once my head hit the pillow, she reached over and took my hand, and we fell asleep like that without another word.
???
The next morning, I drove home in a daze, my body going through the motions of existing, but I felt numb through and through. I needed to go home to shower and change before my morning class, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to put one foot in front of the other, much less teach a class.
I vaguely heard the sound of voices as I walked up the steps of my home.
“Hello? Earth to Hadley!” It was Stuart. He and Lex were standing in the walkway. I must have passed right by them, but it didn’t register.
“You get wasted last night or something?” He smiled as he took in my haphazard appearance.
“No, I didn’t.” I didn’t even realize I’d spoken until I heard my voice say those words.
I turned to walk up the stairs when a moment later I felt someone grab my forearm to stop me.