Page 101 of Just One Moment
“God,Quinn, honey.No, don’t cry.”Heclutches me harder.
“Tellme you believe me.Thatyou knowIlove you,”Isob into his chest.
“Ibelieve you.Ido.We’rejust so different.AllIsee is you, and what if one day down the line you realize this is a mistake?Idon’t want you to regret anything.Ifyou regretted usI’mnot sure howIcould survive that.Iwant you to be sure thatI’mwhat you want.”
Hiswhispered words might as well be screamed with the way they make my head throb.
“Wantingyou has been the best decisionI’veever made.”Ihold onto him like a life raft in vicious white waters and beg my voice to remain steady asIspeak. “Doyou know whatIdo regret?”
Hedoesn’t respond.
“Notfalling in love with you sooner.”
HowcanImake him believe me?Idon’t know what moreIcan give him outside of my words to prove this will never be a regret.I’mso angry at myself for not seeing it sooner.He’sbecome so withdrawn from himself, he’s dubbed himself unlovable, despite the small army of people in his life who feel so lucky to be loved by him.
Grahamcan love, but he doesn’t believe he can beloved.
“Tellme what to do?I’lldo anything.Idon’t want to fuck this up,” he pleads as his head falls to mine.
“Mybiggest fear growing up was not being loved.Ilived that fear daily.Knowingyou love meis the most incredible feeling.Doyou know what my biggest fear is now?”
Heshakes his head and fresh tears gather in the corners of my eyes. “It’sthat you feel you have to prove your love to me, and you’ll forget to love yourself.”
“Quinn.Baby, please.Ido…”Hiswords trail off.
Hecan’t even say it.
Andthat tells me enough.
“You’rea beautiful, selfless, incredible man,GrahamSadler, andI’msorry anyone ever made you think otherwise.”Thetears are endless now, soaking hisT-shirt and blurring my vision.I’mgratefulIcan’t see his face whenIspeak. “Ithink we need time.Youneed time to see whatIsee every day.”Ipress a hand to my chest, likeIcan keep my heart from fracturing any further. “Iknow you don’t mean it, but it hurts seeing the doubt in your eyes when all you give me is joy.”
“Whatare you saying?” he asks, his voice so full of anguish.
Eventhough my next words split me down the middle, this feels like the only option.
“Ifall you see is me, how can you see yourself?”Hisgrip doesn’t loosen whenItry to pull away. “Thevan is ready, andIthink a little space is what we both need.”
“Quinn, no.Pleasedon’t make me say goodbye.”Thepain on his face is devastating, but he needs this.Weneed this.There’sa lot we’ve both left unresolved for too long.Mewith my mother and him withJenna.Iworry that with me here, he won’t address them and his fears will eat away at him, day by day.
“Thisisn’t goodbye.”Itry to smother my sob with my hand, but it’s no use as it rips through my chest. “I’mdoing this becauseIlove you so much.Sometimeswe have to do things that cause us pain to get to the best part.Us.Weare the best part,Graham.Youare one-half of us.Pleaselove every part of it.Ineed you to try.”
Atthat, the fight leaves him.Imiss him the moment he releases me, scared thatI’mthe one pushing him away now.
“IthinkIneed to work on myself too.”Myhand cups the back of his neck, begging him with my eyes to understand. “Aftermy mom turned upIrealizedIwas still letting her control me.Wehave to stop the people from our past thinking they have a say anymore.”
Henods his head and takes a step back.Thesmall space feeling so much bigger than it is.
NeverdidIsee the last twenty-four hours ending like this.Apiece of me blames myself for ignoring all the times he’s talked badly about himself or downplayed the incredible things he did for me.
Howlong has he felt this way about himself?
Foryears, allIknew was hate, and it took time for me to love myself again.
AsIdrag my suitcase out from under the bed,Iremind myself that this isn’t over.Ineed him to go on that same journeyIwent on.Ifit takes half a decade or more, he’s worth it.Butit’s up to him to realize that.
Hestands there, staring at the spot whereIjust vacated.Ifold the lavender blanket we made love on last night and breathe in the scent ofus.
“Graham,”Iwhisper gently.Hemanages to drag his gaze away to look at me. “I-Ican’t pack if you’re watching.It’stoo hard.”