Page 19 of Academically Yours
“Nothing,” I said, frowning, dropping my legs to the floor as I focused on the two guys in front of me.
They were twins, both of them sporting identical shades of brown hair, complete with identical hazel eyes and tall, muscular builds. We played basketball together in college and had been close ever since. Even though I hadn’t pursued it professionally, they both had, and I always enjoyed watching them thrive in their careers.
Well, shit. If they could tell that I wasn’t mentally there, I was doing a terrible job of keeping my thoughts of Noelle at bay. I should be thinking of other things, like the research I was supposed to be doing or working towards getting tenure at the university, not to mention I really needed to get a social life again. The only people I ever talked to outside of work were Tessa, the guys, and their significant others. Did I need more friends? Sheesh. I probably had spent too many nights working and reading over the last few years, and I could tell I had neglected my friendship with the guys.
But here I was, working out with them for the second time in a week, feeling better about finally putting the effort in again. Because I had missed this. Even if it was too easy to shut everyone out and wrap myself up in my own life. Something inside of me was telling me that it was time to really start living again. I just couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was calling me to do so.
I had to remember what it was like to share details of my life with people, instead of keeping everything bottled up inside. I wasn’t sure I was particularly good at that, anymore. It had been so long since I shared anything with anyone besides Tessa. She was the only one who knew what I went through after our parents passed away. How much it had hurt me. How hard it still was, knowing they would never be there for all of our big milestones. How they had missed our college graduations. They would miss our weddings, the birth of our children, if either of us even had any. I hoped Tessa would fall in love and get married eventually, not wrapping herself up in her career as I had. Me? Sometimes I wondered if it was a lost cause. Not that I was too old to meet the right person, but… I sighed. I had never found anyone that I especially wanted to be with either. I didn’t want dating to feel like a chore, something I should do. I wanted to find that person who made me feel like it was something I had to do because I couldn’t live without her.
I liked to think it was what my parents would have wanted for me. Would have wanted for us. It still hit me like a ton of bricks even almost ten years later, and I had never even talked about it with my best friends. Was that when I started shutting them out? Sophomore year of college, when I had withdrawn myself into the icy exterior I built for myself. Because maybe, if I was grumpy and off-putting, people wouldn’t want to dig deeper.
But these guys—Bryan, Cole, and Tanner—they had never given up on me, not for one bit. We had lived together our last two years of college, renting a house off campus, and even when we were all in different cities, we had stayed in contact. They had simply not allowed me to fall off the face of the earth.
And for some reason, now felt like the time. To let them in, to give back to them after all the years they had been there for me. Twelve years of friendship, and I still didn’t know what I would do without them. Tessa was my heart, but these guys? They were my backbone. They were the ones who had helped me keep going when the world was dark and bleak.
I sighed, deciding that I would try to open up, to share a little bit, at the very least. Not about the redheaded girl though, or my strange fascination with her. The way I couldn’t help but look for her. The way I had randomly wandered into the coffee shop she worked at and then couldn’t stop myself from going back, every single day. As if I couldn’t make coffee at home. The way I had started looking forward to the faculty events, on the off chance she might be there. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to share those little tidbits with, well… anyone. My infatuation with her needed to remain just that. A little crush, some physical attraction that I never acted on. Because I barely knew her, and she was a grad student, even if she also worked for the university. That meant… Well, we couldn’t happen.
I cleared my thoughts, turning back to the conversation at hand. Why was I so distracted? I held back a snort. All of my answers and thoughts circled one girl. “I’ve just been exhausted from working a lot lately,” I finally said. “Working towards tenure and just—all of this, being a full-fledged professor—it’s a lot more than I realized it would be. A lot more responsibility than just teaching a class or two a term.” I knew the guys wouldn’t understand the teaching aspect—they were professional basketball players, both playing for the Portland Trail Blazers after a few trades had finally landed them back on the same team together. It was nice to have them both in the same city as me again. But they surprised me by nodding.
“We get it, man. But you can always share what’s bothering you with us, you know? We’re here for ya.” Tanner said as Cole stood up from the machine and they swapped places.
“You know,” Cole laughed, “just because your students call you grumpy and icy doesn’t mean you have to be cold with us.”
I still sat on my bench, hands running through my hair as the two of them resumed their workout. “Thanks, guys. I promise I’ll work on opening up more.” I nodded, then continued after a pause: “You know, it’s just been me and Tess for so long that sometimes I forget that I have other people I can open up to—and with her not even on the same coast as me anymore…” I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders as as I stood to give up my equipment to another guy. “I’ll work on not bottling up so much.” Well, it was something, at least.
“Despite all that,” I added as the corners of my mouth tipped up slightly—almost a smile. “I love it. Teaching. Helping these kids figure out what they want to do with their lives. I know I appreciated my professors in college who took the time to help me.”
“Do you think you’d do it any differently if you had to do it all over?” Cole asked.
I shook my head. “Nah. Investment banking might not have been for me—I know I was good at it, and I made decent money for those years—but I think I needed to learn that I wasn’t looking for a desk job. I think I needed something different. And this…” I took a deep breath. “It feels right, you know?”
The guys nodded. “I’m happy for you, man,” Tanner said, slapping me on the back.
“If you had to do it all over, do you think you’d still choose careers in basketball?”
“Oh yeah,” Cole laughed. “I love it. The games, the adrenaline as I’m running around the court, the way I feel when we win a game… It’s all worth it.”
“Plus,” Tanner grinned, “it’s what brought us our girls, so.” He grinned. Kelly had been a dancer on the Trail Blazers team when Cole started, and one thing led to another, and both brothers had found themselves on a double date with both sisters. Tanner sang Cole’s praises every day for setting him up on that date.
“Yeah. And knowing how we’d end up, that we’d be back on the same team after six years apart? I wouldn’t trade getting to do what we love together. Not one single day.”
I couldn’t help cracking a small smile while looking at my two friends. “I’m really glad we all ended up here.”
“Yeah,” Cole grumbled, faking a little pout as he held back his laughter. “Because otherwise, you’d have no friends.”
“Hey!” I frowned.
“You can’t tell me you’re going to argue with him right now, Matthew?” Tanner said. “You know he’s right.”
“Maybe,” I mumbled, but I didn’t say much more. They knew letting people in was hard for me. Letting someone see underneath the wall of ice I had built up to protect myself, to keep my feelings bottled down inside? That was hard, even with them, and we had known each other since I was a baby-faced Freshman with braces. But I didn’t need other friends—these guys were enough for me. Our friendship was rock solid, and even when we had gone periods without talking much, it had never lessened our bond.
As we finished our workout I knew it, too—no matter what, these guys had my back. They would always have my back. And that feeling, that bond? It was stronger than friendship. It was what I had always imagined having a brother would be like.
So maybe it was about time I opened myself up to them.
~ ~ ~
I wanted to stop this obsession—I really did. To stop thinking about her, stop picturing her anytime I closed my eyes. I hated the reaction she invoked in me, for making me want to be around her even more. And if it wasn’t bad enough that I was struggling with these completely ridiculous thoughts, I kept seeing her everywhere.