Page 9 of Finn

I look at Kill who has a goofy-arse smile on his face, and Connor who has the same grin. He turns his phone so I can see the screen.

All three women are in the kitchen, and I’m relieved to see Cara is sitting with a bowl of fruit and yoghurt in front of her, and what looks like the remains of eggs on her plate.

“Jesus, really?” Ronan fires as he walks into the kitchen. We all roll our eyes at him, knowing full well he was just on the phone to Liv and Maddie––he can’t go a day without talking to either one of them or checking in. I’m pleased for him, and I’m glad he found someone after Rory. We thought we were going to lose him for a while, but when he met Liv, he changed. Sure, he was a dick to begin with, but those two belong together, and she keeps him grounded. So does Maddie. I love that kid, and she loves me––I’m her favourite uncle.

“What the fuck are you grinning at?” Killian grumbles at me. I shake my head, not bothering to answer.

I’m shoving a forkful of bacon and eggs into my mouth when Killian’s next words almost make me choke.

“You need to tell us what you meant at the gym yesterday about Da.”

I should have known he wouldn’t let it lie. He didn’t bring it up last night, and I think he knew I really wasn’t in a talking mood. I’d hoped he’d let the subject drop, but I should have known better.

“Look, it’s nothing, I was just having a rough day and letting my emotions mess with my head.”

“Bullshit,” Connor spits. “You’re too controlled for that.”

“You’re right about him being too controlled, but he’s not lying, his emotions were in the lead yesterday… something I’ve not seen since we were kids.” Killian gets up and pours himself another coffee, grabbing some sugar on his way back to the island, knowing the pot I made will be way too strong for him.

“We’re all too fucking guarded. We don’t talk about the things that matter to us, and we don’t talk about things that bother us. And look where that gets us. We almost lost Ronan because of it.”

“Hey…” Ronan counters, but there is no effort in it.

“You know I’m right though. We were raised to be tough, not to show emotions, and that works in our world, it works with our associates, our enemies, but we need each other. We need to be able to open up with one another, we need to have each other’s backs, we’re brothers, we are each other’s strength.”

We don’t know how to respond, and we all stare at Killian before continuing finishing our breakfast.

Ronan breaks the silence fifteen minutes later. “I was told growing up because I was different that I should always be guarded, even from you guys. Da said letting you in would only push you away. He was wrong.”

He takes a drink of his coffee and looks over at Kill. “You’re right. You were my strength when I needed it, and when I thought I would drown in the pain and the guilt, you were all there for me. Da did treat us all differently. He treated us how he viewed us. Killian, Connor, you were the favourites, and he was grooming you both to take over. Rory was treated like the joker, the clown, the reckless one of the family. I was treated like the killer, the family protector, and Finn, I know more than you think… he treated you like the bastard, weak and pathetic, like you weren’t one of us––”

“Hold up, Ro, I know Da treated Finn a little shitty at times, but he never treated him like he was pathetic or weak, and he certainly never treated him like he wasn’t one of us. He just saw him as the baby, that’s all.”

“You’re wrong, Kill. You guys were the favourites, and he tried to shield you from certain things. He never treated Finn like that in front of you, and you also never saw the fights between him and Ma over Finn.”

The silence in the room is deafening. I look at Connor and Killian and watch as they both try and understand what Ronan is saying. Killian looks across at Ronan and then back to me. “Start talking. Now.”

I lower my head. I can’t look them in the eyes. We should not be having this conversation.

“Finn…” Connor’s hand lands on my shoulder. I keep my head low and shake it from side to side. “Please, talk to us, we deserve to know the truth, we’re family.”

I get up from the island and walk to the counter, grabbing another coffee. I’m going to be buzzing all day, but I need it. Actually, I think I might need something a little stronger if we’re having this conversation, but nine a.m. is a little early for that.

“Da didn’t think I was his kid…”

“Woah.”

“What the fuck?”

“Just hear me out before you all start fucking shouting.” I look across at Ronan, noticing that he didn’t react… it looks like he really does know more than he’s ever let on.

“He accused Ma of having an affair. She tried telling him that red hair and green eyes run in her family, but he said that didn’t matter, the rest of you looked so much like him and I looked like her, so he was convinced that I was someone else’s kid.”

I feel sick. Pouring the coffee down the sink, I grab a glass of water instead.

“I’m closer to Ma because she saw the way Da treated me. She tried to make up for it, tried to make me feel like I was part of the family, but Da, he could be toxic, and pretty convincing. He told Darragh that he didn’t believe I was his kid, and he believed him. Da used to call me a bastard in front of Ma, then Darragh started to call me it too. They told me that I was weak, that I’d never really amount to anything in this family, that I’d always be the runt.”

“Brother…” Kill gets up from his seat and walks to me, grabbing by my shoulders. “How come you never said anything?”