Page 103 of Forbidden Eyes
“So, what made you come back? That’s what I don’t understand. Why?”
"For fuck's sake," he mutters, raking his fingers through his hair. "I never left. Not properly. Ended up in the city with every intention of fucking off to Christ knows where. And then Hope found me in a bar and offered some words of advice.”
“My mother?” I step back from Carter’s reach and try to find an explanation that will make sense. Mom knows how much Carter hurt me and how confused I was over him. “She guilted you into coming back?” My heart breaks a little more when I realise what she did.
“No. Far from that. She just told me how it was gonna be with Vico, that he was coming. She also said he'd cage you up. No one's caging you up. No one except me.”
My eyes widen,my mouth ready to carry on arguing.
“You don’t get a say in that, Carter.” His possessiveness doesn’t mean anything if he’s not going to be around to act on it. He’s just like all the other men in my life, thinking he can rule over me.
“Yes, I do. No one, and I mean it, is ever going to touch you with me around.” His eyes narrow in warning.
“And what doesaroundmean to you? Hey? Aren’t we just fucking? It’s not like that will ever happen again after your words to me." My eyes dip to the floor, part of me not knowing where I'm going with any of this. "Look, I don’t know why I came down here, but this was a mistake.” I try to leave, but doubt plagues every footfall to the door.
“Fia, you came here looking for a fight. You’re hurting and confused. I get that, but don’t go yet. We've got things to discuss now. Rationally. There's so much you need to understand about me and—”
“Make up your mind, Carter.” The words drip with frustration, and I huff, wanting to hide away and pretend the world isn’t in pieces. "One minute you're all over me and the next you’re pushing me away. I don't know what to think."
"Jesus Christ, woman. Do you think I would have come back and put everything on the line—put everyone I love or respect in the world in danger—if I didn’t want you in my life? You’re a smart girl.Thinkabout that for a minute. Use your goddamn head and stop bitching about shit that is done and over. What the fuck else do you want me to say?"
His words still don’t make sense to me. He made me choose, or rather left me to choose between going with my mom or staying. My mind puzzles over all the actions from earlier. All the guns, all the shouting, all the actions, and I force myself to see them from the outside, to try to understand the motives behind everything, but I’m too tired, and my heart hurts too much.
"There aren't any rainbows here,Fia. I'm not that kind of man. You want sweetheart ideals, you'll have to go look elsewhere," he says, backing away from me completely and putting his hands in his pockets. "But just so we're clear, that is not what I want you to do."
That still doesn't tell me what hedoeswant. Or what any of this between us is supposed to be. My head shakes,confusion, exhaustion and something else making this all seem impossible. He's right; there aren't any rainbows here, and apparently, even after all we've been through, no love either. At least from his lips, anyway. “I can’t do this now," I huff.
I push my feet to move and not look back, desperate to find some kind of space and sense. My mom’s gone. My dad’s a waste of life. My friends are across the country and there's no chance I can get back to them. And now I'm here with the only family I have left, and I’ve never felt more lonely.
As soon as I’m clear of the room, my pace quickens, and I race over the wooden floors and up the stairs. The hall blurs as I run until I dive onto the bed to bury my face in the pillow. I could cry for a week, a month. Last time I cried on the bed I had my mom here to comfort me. Now, she’s with him and God knows what that means. It's all such a mess.
Carter’s still being an asshole.
The doubt that always invades your mind at your weakest point starts to snake its way around my heart, turning my thoughts around and inside out. I’ve not had a chance to consider a proper plan and what I should do next, but I guess I have to now. Would Andi put me up? Could I hide out with her and try to start back at Columbia? The independence that would give me would have made me so happy a few weeks ago. Now, it feels like an empty goal. My mind can’t compute whether the emptiness is coming because of Carter or not.
Maybe it is. Oh God, I don't know what to think or feel. He's infuriating.
A soft knock at the door is almost immediate. “Carter, leave me alone. I thought me walking out was clear.”
“It’s not Carter, Fia.” Auntie Emily enters the room and comes to sit at the side of my bed. “I heard voices and wanted to check on you.” Her hand brushes the hair from my face as I cuddle up on the bed.
“How’s Uncle Quinn?” I croak.
“He’ll be okay. I had thought the days of bullet wounds were behind him now, but what can I say. Quinn is Quinn.”
“I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”
“No, it isn’t, young lady. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
“My dad shot him. He came here because of me. I think your logic here is flawed.”
“You are not responsible for the actions of others. I’ve had to learn that over the years. It’s hard. Guilt has a way of eating you up and poisoning your view on things. But I know you’re a strong girl, just like your mother.” Even in the gloom of the room, Emily exudes calm.
“I don’t know what to do.” My words come out as a plea for help, and I suppose they are.
“What does your heart tell you?”
“My heart?”