Page 109 of A Dark Fall
He shakes his head. “She’s twisted that way. Can’t bear to see me with anyone else. See me happy.”
“Because she’s still in love with you.”
“Well, that’s her fucking problem, not mine.” He flares. “It’s never going to fucking happen, and she knows it.”
So, he knows she still has feelings for him. That his happiness is such a threat to her. Why I’m such a threat to her. I’ve ruined her perfect vision of him and her and their son being together.
Who knows, maybe I have?
“Did you ever try and give it a go with her? As a family. For Caleb,” I ask. Christ, I have lost the plot if I’m putting ideas likethisin his head.
“No. Because she’s not the life I want. She never was,” he says as he takes my hands again. “Aside from some terrible fucking memories, Cale is the only thing there is. It’s all there’ll ever be. You’re what I want.”
“Last night, you wanted me to end it,” I remind him.
He swallows, pain seeping into his eyes. “Because I’m a fucking coward, Alex. Because I’m not ready for you to see who I am. I’m still not,” he says. “But I still wanted you. I still do,” he adds, softer. With his hands on mine again, he pulls me forward so I can’t do anything but meet his gaze. A gaze that seems to penetrate right through me, making me feel as if I might be transparent.
I look down, and my blood kindles at the proximity and closeness of his mouth. I wonder if he kissed me now, what it would feel like. Whether he would still taste the same. He still smells the same. I need to focus.
“She knew about me,” I say to change the subject to one that makes me feel colder. “About us.”
“I know, but I didn’t tell her. She speaks to Kev now and again. He must have mentioned you.” I can tell how he feels about that by the way his eyes darken.
“So, your ‘doctor bitch’is his name for me then?”
“If it is, I’ll kill him,” he bites. He doesn’t sound as if he’s joking.
“Does she often stay here with you?” I ask, ignoring the dark tone in his voice. I can’t quite believe I’m still asking questions about her. I want to forget she exists. Except I can’t because he has a child with her.
“She doesn’t.” His eyes are hard. “Last night was a one-off. I have no idea where she is. I fucking hate him living with her.” He drags his hand through his hair, and I see a measure of helplessness echo across his face. It makes me hurt for him.
I’m already hurt, but I don’t want him to hurt too.
God, my bones feel so heavy. My heart and my head as well. Filled with things I don’t even know I have room for.
He stares at me for the longest time then, pleading and willing me to say something—though what, I don’t know. That it’s okay he kept his son a secret from me? That I understand why he did it? I can’t say those things because it’s not okay, and I don’t understand. How could he not tell me this? If he had feelings for me that were even close to the ones I was having for him, how and why would he keep this from me? None of his reasons so far come close to fixing what he’s broken.
“Alex, baby, I’m sorry,” he says, finally breaking the suffocating silence. “I know I should have told you. Right at the start. I mean, telling you about the one good thing in my fucking life should have been easy for me. And Iwasgoing to, at dinner, but then I gave you the shitty childhood detail and it got so dark, and I thought I’d ruined it already. I didn’t want to freak you out even more. Then here, I could have shown you his room, told you all about him, easily done. Then later, when you were talking about bringing children up in the States, I thought, ‘This is your fucking chance, Jay—do it,’but I chickened out. Because I’m a coward.” His voice is filled with regret. “But, fuck, I never wanted you to find out like this. I always wanted to tell you myself. I’m sorry.”
He’s sorry. Hedidhave so many chances to tell me. But he didn’t. He demanded I open up every aspect of my life to him, and I did, yet he wasn’t prepared to give me the same in return. Is this really why he thought he was bad for me? Because he has a son? It doesn’t make any sense.
“What happened last night?” I ask.
He looks confused. “What do you mean? I told you, she called me from the club.”
“No.” I shake my head. “Before that. It started in the car. Something happened after we left Rob’s, when you asked why I didn’t report what happened to you. Then why I was with you. You said I didn’t know what I was doing, that I should end things. Was it about this? About Vicky and Caleb?” I ask.
He presses his lips together, some conflict in his eyes now.“Partly. My life is a fucking mess, Alex. Always has been. I just think I never realized how different we were—how much I could really fuck up your life—until last night.” It sounds so genuine, so utterly bare of any subterfuge, that I almost believe him. But he’s avoiding my eyes. “I know I chased you. I wanted you ... You’ve no fucking idea how much. But meeting your friends ... Fuck, seeing you happy like that, safe like that. In your own life ... I don’t know. I felt as if I’d tricked you. I always figured you’d end things before it went too far. Once you realized who I really was.” He looks guilty again as he rubs the back of his neck.
“And how could I know who you really are when you’ve kept things like this from me since the day I met you?”
“You don’t understand,” he says quietly. “This is just who I am, Alex ...”
“And I’m someone who needs honesty, Jake,” I tell him. “You say I’m what you want, that what we had was more than sex. I mean, I assume you wanted to have a relationship with me, but how was that ever going to be possible when I haven’t the first clue who you are? What sort of relationship is that?”
He looks lost again. “I was going to tell you.”
“Oh, really? When? Let’s not kid ourselves here. I only know about Caleb now because you were backed against a wall, and it was preferable to me thinking you’d gone off and fucked someone else.”