Page 11 of Into the Dark
I smile at her. She’s here to make sure I’m okay. “Yes, we have. We’ve spent nearly a fortnight laughing at Nick’s Bermuda shorts.”
“Oh god. They are bloody awful, though, aren’t they?” She covers her mouth to stifle a giggle.
I nod. “Salmon is not his color. I’m surprised he’s still wearing them. Have to admire his tenacity.”
Tash laughs harder. “And his terrible fashion sense,” she manages before forcing herself to stop. A serious look passes over her eyes. “I miss you so much—do you know that? I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Come live with us?” She strokes her hand over my hair again. She’s much more tactile under the influence of wine, which I adore.
“Ugh, I’d love to. Not much keeping me in the UK. Well, apart from the rest of the family…and my job…oh, and Fred.”
“Aw, Fred. He’s such a little grouch! How is he?”
“Grouchy. Though I’ve been much grouchier than him these days,” I say, turning my head back to face the open window. The white sheer curtain dances off the wall as the soft night breeze creeps into the room.
Tash says nothing, but when I look back around I find her studying me with a sorrowful smile. “Tell me about him,” she says.
My heart flutters slightly with panic. She means Jake, of course, not Laurent. Tell my sister about Jake. Talk about him out loud. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that. And what exactly could I tell her anyway without spilling all his secrets?
I attempt a smile and shake my head. “I wouldn’t even know where to start, Tash, honestly. I’m trying to forget about him so I can stop thinking about him, because it hurts to think about what I don’t have anymore. It’s just…” That I want to think about him. Because I don’t want to forget about him. I want him back. I need him back. I miss him. I love him. I turn my head away from her again, closing my eyes tightly to stop the run of the tears hovering there.
Tash puts a hand on my arm and squeezes softly, but I only turn my head back when I’m sure I’m not going to cry. “You can’t just stop, Alex. It doesn’t work like that. They just sort of fade away over time.”
“That’s not going to happen, Tash. Not with this one.” I bite my lip hard and shake my head again.
The look that overcomes her then is one of anguish. “Christ, Alex, what the hell happened? Nick told me there was a guy and you were upset but that you weren’t seeing him for very long. I assumed it wasn’t that serious, not with Ben just being over. Babe, why didn’t you tell me it was this serious?”
“I was about to…” I whisper. I was going to tell her everything.
Then Mark came.
I feel breathless again.
“You were in love with him,” she whispers, eyes wide with realization.
Whatever look I have on my face gives her the answer.
She moves closer, clutching my hand tighter. “So what happened? He hurt you. Cheated on you.” She has this look about her now, businesslike. How can I fix this? Tell me everything. But I can’t. I can’t tell anyone anything. She can’t fix this. No one can.
I shake my head. “I can’t talk about it, Tash, not yet. But I’m okay.”
She gives me a hard look.
“Okay, but I will be.”
Her expressions softens, and she looks sorry and sad and concerned all at the same time. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish I’d been here for you when this was all happening. When Ben happened too. I’m shit.” She shakes her head and looks down guiltily. “I’m a shit sister.”
“You are so shit. How dare you move away with the man you love!” I hit her playfully on the arm, and she lifts her head and smiles at me. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes though. I take a deep breath and decide to share something that feels safe. “God, Ben was nothing compared to this. Ben was a walk in the park compared to this. I feel like I’m going crazy. My brain never shuts down from thinking about it—about him. I don’t know what he did to me, but it’s like he’s under my skin and in my bones, and I swear I can still smell him everywhere I go.” I shake my head again, and Tash purses her lips. “Christ, I sound crazy, don’t I?”
She shifts closer again and shakes her head. “No. Not crazy. Just in love. So how about I sleep in here with you tonight and we can talk about everything except guys for the entire night? Nothing is off-limits. We could get Nick too.” She bounces slightly on the bed, looking excited.
I smile back. “No. You’re the worst bedmate ever. You’re a sprawler—never again. Those days are long gone. And Nick talks in his sleep. No way. Go to bed with your husband.” I push at her to make her move. She resists for a moment before her weight disappears.
“Fine. But we will talk about this at some point. I’m not getting on that plane home until I know you’re okay.” She hits me softly again and stands. “So, what about our French friend next door? You like him? Mum said he was ‘very handsome.’” She quirks a brow.
“He is handsome. And charming. And very French. He was a distraction though.” Or wasn’t, as it turns out.
No one will ever be more than a distraction from Jake.
“Well, we all need distracting from something.” She leans in to hug me tight, smelling of sun lotion and cocoa butter, and I hold onto her for a long time.