Page 121 of Into the Dark
Something clicks into place. “About you not being out?”
“I’m not not out,” he says. “I’m just…careful, I guess.”
“Mum and Dad don’t know you’re in love with a man, Nick. You’re not out.”
“Mum and Dad expect me to carry on the fucking family name, Alex. Mum and Dad would have a fucking heart attack if they knew.”
“I’ve told you before that I don’t think that’s true. Mum would be shocked. It’d take her some time to get her head around it, but she will. And the longer you wait…”
“See, that only adds more pressure, and I don’t need that on top of everything else, like there’s some giant clock ticking down to D-Day where I have to tell them before it’s too late. Too late for what? Why do people even have to know anyway? Why is it important to people—to my parents—who I’m bloody sleeping with? It’s fucking absurd.”
I sigh because I agree. It is. “It’s important to Jin.”
Nick grunts. “He knows I love him. It shouldn’t matter who else knows.”
“I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be someone’s…secret. Something they don’t feel comfortable sharing with the world.”
“It’s not that. Fucking hell, it’s not that. He’s perfect…he’s everything I want, and I want to hold his hand and scream it from the top of my lungs. I just don’t want…” He scrapes his hand through his hair. He’s struggling with the words, and my heart feels pinched tight. “I feel like when I tell them, that’s it. It’s out there and I become like…a fucking statistic or something. And Mum and Dad will treat me differently. They’re not gonna disown me or anything, obviously I know that, but they’re gonna be like…hell, Alex, I don’t know. Disappointed in me? Like all these hopes and dreams they had for me just disappear. And I don’t want…to disappoint them again.” His whole body sags with the relief of getting the words out, and he hangs his head. “I guess Jin wants someone who’s like him, confident in who he is—what he is. And he deserves that. He really does.”
I can feel the torment in my brother and my heart breaks a little. I reach across to take his hand, the one wrapped loosely around his coffee cup. “Mum and Dad have never been disappointed in you, Nick. Not once.”
He gives me a look. “Oh, like when I didn’t go into medicine? They weren’t disappointed in that?”
“Maybe Mum was a little, but Dad never cared. He wants us to be happy. Mum does too, but she just has opinions about what will make us happy, that’s all.”
Nick still looks skeptical.
“Listen to me, when you told Tash and me you liked men, did we ever give you a single reason to think you’d disappointed us?”
“That’s not the same, Alex. You know it’s not.”
“No, but I bet you were worried sick then too. And it worked out just fine. Mum and Dad love you. So much it’s bloody sickening to watch. They think you hung the moon and stars, and I’m sure there’s nothing you could do that will make them think any different, especially not because of who you fall in love with.”
Tears glitter in his eyes, and I feel my own rush up to mirror them. “But what if you’re wrong?” He sounds so young.
I take a deep breath and sit up. “Then you’ll still have Tash and me. And we are going to love you enough to make up for that.” I give him a watery smile. “You have a choice here, Nick. Let the worry of what other people think ruin this beautiful, soul-changing connection that you’ve found with this perfect man. Or potentially lose that love and spend every single day looking for something who comes close to it.”
He’s still watching me closely. “Fuck, you really love this guy, don’t you?”
“As much as you love Jin, probably.”
Nick smiles, looking a little less emotional. “Dad liked him, by the way. Said it looked like he cares about you an awful lot.”
My heart swells. Dad likes Jake. I’m not sure how his feelings will be after I tell him I’m having Jake’s baby, but this is a good start at least. And since Nick trusts Dad’s opinion on things we’re halfway there.
“And what did Mum say?” I lift my cup, smiling at him as I gulp down the cooling tea.
“‘The nightclub owner was good-looking and polite,’” he mimics.
I laugh. “Could have been a lot worse, I suppose.”
“So when do I get to meet him?” He’s biting more heartily into his Danish now, which makes me happy.
“Um, soon? He’s super busy with work, but I’ll arrange something when he’s free.” God, how I can almost make this sound normal I’ll never know.
“His nightclub is in town?”
I nod. “It’s on Brick Lane. It’s really new.”