Page 26 of Into the Dark
I have to glance away. It’s unfair. It feels unfair, but it’s also not untrue.
“Do you think I wanted to be without you, Alex? Do you think it’s been easy for me this whole fucking time? Do you think it’s been a walk in the fucking park to stay away from you?”
I assume it’s rhetorical, so I say nothing.
He takes a step closer. “Every fucking second of every day I’ve wanted to crawl back to you. I’d have crawled back on my hands and knees and begged you to take me back if I thought for a fucking second you would have me.” He snaps, his voice loud and harsh in the large, echoing room. “But that disgust on your face…” He turns away again and scrubs his hands over his face roughly. When he speaks again his voice is calmer. It also sounds a little broken. “I fucking needed you, Alex. Every second of every day since you told me you can’t love me, I’ve needed you.” He comes toward me then, closer than he’s been since we were sitting down on the bed together, and it warms me. The heat of his rage is as vital as ever. “I’ve never needed anyone before you. I needed you and I loved you, and you didn’t want me. You left me.”
Something snaps in me at that admission, and I take his face in my hands and press myself against the warm ridges of his body. “I’ve wanted you since the moment I saw you,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for that day, for who I was, for what I said, for how weak I was when you told me things you never wanted me to know.”
He tries to shake his head, but I hold it firm.
“I’ll say it as many times as I have to until you forgive me, and until you understand. I love you, and I want you. I never stopped wanting you.” He needs to believe me. He needs to. When I reach up to press my lips to his, my legs almost buckle.
His lips are slow at first, but then he closes his eyes and opens his mouth to take hold of mine and it’s everything. Oh god, the taste of him. The heat of his lips and tongue. The sound of deep satisfaction he makes as he pulls me into him. It’s far more than any memory I managed to hold onto. I slide my hands into the longer lengths of his hair to angle his head down, deepening the kiss. Rough, coarse fingers move desperately over my back and up to my neck, where he grips hold of me tight as he tastes every inch of my mouth and tongue. I feel dizzy again. With a hand on my behind, he pulls me into him harder, moving me sensually against him as he licks into my mouth. His kiss is all I remember it being and more.
When he finally releases my lips he grazes his nose tenderly across mine, his breath hot and fast. He opens his eyes to look down at me, and there’s so much ferocity and determination in his eyes. Strength.
“Alex, if we do this again, if you take me back again, then that’s it. I won’t ever let you go. I mean it this time. Everything is different now. “
It is different. I’m different. We will be different. I nod. “Yes. It is.”
“That day was like a fucking nightmare for me. The way you looked at me, the things you thought I’d done, the things you knew I’d done.” He drops his eyes from mine, ashamed again. I grip him hard. “Having you look at me like that almost killed me. Leaving you almost killed me.” He brings his head up and gives me a look that I think is him imploring me to understand. Which I do. “I’m not all the things you think I am, baby. But I’m not far off. I’ve hurt people—some who deserved it, some who didn’t. I’ve done lots of things I’m not proud of. You need to know this shit now because I won’t lose you over this again. I’m not losing you again.” His admissions don’t have any great impact on me. My body still feels light and soft and very content as he holds me in his arms.
“Your past isn’t important to me.” No, that’s not right. “I mean, it’s less important to me than what happens now. Now has to be different, Jake. The things you do now we’re together, now you have different choices, have to be different.”
The look in his eye tells me he understands. He brings his hand up to stroke my cheek, his thumb grazing the freckle beneath my eye. “I told you, I’ll do whatever it takes to be different for you…good enough for you. To be someone you can be with. I’ll make it happen. I promise you that.” His thumb moves along the curve of my bottom lip and then down to my chin, which he pinches gently between his fingers.
“So then, you forgive me?”
His face falls into a frown. “I told you, there’s nothing to forgive. I kept things from you. Things I knew would change things. I did that. You weren’t the coward, Alex—I was. There’s nothing to forgive.”
I turn my face to kiss the inside of his wrist, inhaling the scent of his skin. “I love you so much, Jake,” I say as I look up into his eyes.
He lowers his head, pressing his lips to mine, soft and tender. “I love you.” He kisses my lips again and then prints a kiss tenderly on my forehead, his next words arriving in a whisper. “That was the last time I’ll ever fucking lose you.”
Unsurprisingly, I wake up from the best sleep I’ve had in weeks, deep and warm and unbroken. The steady sound of his breath against my ear, the comfort of his arms as he held me in them, and the warm, enveloping scent of his skin chased away every cold, lonely thought I’d grown used to falling asleep with last night.
He was here.
By some miracle, I had him back and he didn’t hate me—he loved me.
He’s spooning me from behind, his arm above my head and the other wrapped around me, stroking back and forth while his mouth presses soft kisses against the back of my neck. I wonder if he slept at all because he was awake when I fell asleep too.
Last night when I came back from the bathroom in my pajamas I found him sitting on the bed fully clothed. I thought he might still be planning to leave me here for the night. I was ready to fight him on it. In the end, I didn’t have to. He stared at me wordlessly for a few long seconds before standing up from the bed, taking off his jacket, and stripping efficiently out of his clothes. I watched him with awe and undisguised longing as he undressed, my blood kindling and muscles softening with each layer he removed. He still looked beautiful, his body incredible, but definitely a little leaner, his muscles not quite as prominent as they were. In bed I pulled the covers back and stared openly at him. He climbed in wearing his boxers. Of course, I wanted to have sex. I wanted him to make love to me. I wanted to kiss him everywhere, taste and breathe him back into my body again. We kissed some more, hands exploring bare skin, but when I tried to undress him he pulled back with a look of concern etched across his face instead of arousal.
“You should get some sleep, baby,” was what he said. “You fainted, remember.” He wanted me though. As he held me close I felt his cock pressed urgently against my body. I tried enticing him by saying I felt better, but all he said was, “I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got plenty of time. Tonight I really want you to get some sleep, yeah? We’ve got plenty of time.” He stroked me to sleep, fingers tracing down my neck and over my shoulder, across my collarbone to my chest, until his touch, the melody of his breathing, and the warmth of his body lulled me to sleep.
Now, I turn my body around so I’m looking up at him. His eyes are open but heavy, and they’re filled with love as he looks down at me, the full beard of his face and the longer hair both ruffled with sleep.
“I was afraid I dreamed last night. But you’re here.” I trace my fingers across his body, over the artwork decorating his chest and arm.
“I’m here.” His voice is a throaty rumble.
I smile, turning my eyes up to his again. “Did you sleep?”
“A bit. How are you feeling?”
“Mmm, much better. I slept well.” I lower my mouth and press my lips to his chest. Then his nipple. Then higher, on his jaw. He groans softly. When I graze my hand over the hardness between his legs, he groans harder. “You taste the same.” I kiss the center of his chest again.