Page 99 of Into the Dark
He says nothing. He yanks out a pair of black cotton sweatpants from the wardrobe and pulls them hastily up his legs. When he turns to face me he no longer looks nonchalant. I’m pushing it here, I know that. But it feels like I have a tiny window of opportunity, and if it closes then he’ll just bury this forever. Somewhere deep and dark—just like everything else.
“Trust me, baby, all thoughts of her stopped eating me up a long fucking time ago. In fact, the last time I even thought about her was the last time you forced me into a corner and forced me to talk about her.” His nostrils flare with the accusation. “I let you do that once, for reasons I’ve already explained, but do not fucking corner me again on this, Alex.” He shoots me another look of warning and stalks across the room, scrubbing a hand roughly through his hair and over his face.
“I’m not cornering you,” I say meekly, guiltily.
He rounds on me. “Really? ’Cause it fucking feels like you are.”
I take my time before speaking. I wish I could absorb some of the pain he’s so clearly trying to mask with anger. It’s heavy. It fills the room, making everything else feel hazy and out of focus. The longer we stare at each other, the more his gaze softens. I feel so sad. Sad for him. Sad for her. Sad for what they never had. Every child deserves to be loved and looked after. Every child deserves the unconditional, lasting love of a parent.
I rest my arms across my stomach. “I’m sorry. I just…I guess I just want to help you…help you be less sad,” I whisper. I feel something wet and cold move down my face, and I reach up to wipe it away with the back of my hand.
He comes toward me instantly and sits down next to me on the bed. He grabs ahold of my hand and looks me in the eye. “Listen to me, Alex,” he says. “I’m not sad. Not anymore. And you do help me—more than you know. You and Caleb help me. You and him are my family. The only family I need. When will you understand that?”
His family. I want to cry again, but I don’t want him to see it.
He takes another of his deep breaths and drops his head back. When he looks back at me his eyes are hardened with resolve. “Before you came along he was all I had, and honestly, I would have been happy with that. But then you happened.” He smiles. “And even though I never thought I’d get you, I knew if I did I’d be set for life. I waited for you, remember? For a long fucking time. And it feels as if I went through hell to get this, what we have right now, and there’s never a fucking moment when I think it’s not enough or that my life is missing a single fucking thing. Not anymore. Please believe that, yeah?” He smiles at me, and I feel my own face break into a smile too. A silly, tear-stained smile.
I squeeze his hand tighter. “And what if she knows where your brother is? You’d want nothing to do with him either?”
He isn’t expecting this. The mention of his brother. I see the blink of surprise in his eyes, and his whole body goes rigid. He gives it a moment’s thought and then shakes his head.
“No. I wouldn’t.”
A little flicker of something in his eyes tells me he isn’t quite as certain about this as he is about his mother. My heart clenches, and I squeeze his hand in mine.
“Really?”
He swallows. “Well, he left and never looked back, didn’t he? He wanted fuck all to do with me.” His tone is laced with something bitter and sore.
“Maybe he couldn’t find you.”
He looks skeptical. “She found me. He could have too. Not like I ever went too far for too long.”
The sadness drapes over me again, and I try to imagine my life without my parents or Nick or Tash. My chest fills with an ice-cold sort of loneliness.
“Did you ever try to find him? You said he joined the army—he wouldn’t have been too difficult to track down.” I keep my voice as soft as possible. I’m trying to sound reasoned here, not accusatory.
“No.” He shakes his head again. “Maybe because…I don’t know, I didn’t want him to see what I’ve become. Who I’ve become.”
I stare at him in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then I reach up to tilt his head up. “You’re not the man you think you are, Jake. You’re a wonderful father, you have a successful business, you’re a loving and devoted househusband…” I smile. “That’s what you’ve become. Your brother would be proud of you.”
He stares at me for a long time. “Yeah, well, you’re the only person who sees me like that, baby. No one has ever seen me like you do.”
“Your soft, cuddly teddy-bear side, you mean? With an adorable sleep-pout.” I tap his lips with my finger.
He pushes me back on the bed and growls playfully, pulling me tight against him. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I mean.” He kisses me hard, nibbling at my mouth hungrily before scraping his teeth down to my neck. “Mmm, know what? I really want to take you out tonight.” He lifts his head and grins down at me.
I blink, confused. “Like on a date?”
“Yeah.” He presses a kiss to my collarbone. “We’ve only done that once before.”
“Christ, so we have. You’re a terrible boyfriend.”
“A terrible boyfriend with a massive cock.” He smirks.
“And so humble with it…”
He nods in agreement and drops his head to lick at my nipple through the fabric of my dress.