Page 89 of Filthy Rock Stars
Shadow turns to his mom as she walks out the front of the house, and we finally release each other’s hands. She starts talking immediately, her coffee mug still in one hand, threatening to spill as she gestures.
“What are you so sensitive about now? I can’t ask you about your new songs?”
Shadow stands a little taller, not having it. “I don’t think bullying is funny, and I don’t like that song. If you hear people around town laughing about it, tell them I said to shut the hell up, okay?”
I smile to myself, glad to see him standing up for himself. “He really hates that song,” I confirm. “I won’t be able to send it to you.”
Rhonda cuts in, talking straight to her son. “I do wonder sometimes if youwantyour family to be unpopular again, Shadow.” She shakes her head. “Let me call your aunts. You’ll calm down and at least tell us about the rock fest? I know you love those things.”
Shadow stares at Rhonda. His dad still stands to the side, dumbfounded and trying to process the fact that we were just holding hands. Something works across Shadow’s expression, emotions toiling behind his eyes, until he finally grunts.
“The fest sucked because we’re a corporate hack band,” he says bluntly. “And the only good part was fucking a man in the supply closet. Which I liked. Because I like fucking men. Because I’m gay.” He turns to me with a nod and a cocky smile as his parents stands close, mouths hanging open.
“Come on,” he says. “Let’s get out of here.”
* * *
SHADOW
My heart is thumping like a jackhammer, and I’m lightheaded. I just came out to my parents, and it kind of feels amazing, like I’m flying, except I’m so worked up about my family, I can’t keep my head on straight.
Having Nico here makes it real in a different way.
I wanted this. I needed him to see.
It wasn’t clear to me when we left Seattle, but some part of me knew that I was coming here for exactly this.
I pull to a stop a quarter mile away, motor idling on a quiet, wooded street.
“What just happened?” Nico asks behind me, his voice echoing in his helmet.
“I don’t know,” I say, turning to face him the best I can, my visor up. “I guess I just came out.”
“But your parents… Won’t that mean…”
“They’ll be too embarrassed to tell anyone else.” The motor rumbles between my legs. “I wasn’t planning to do that. It just happened.”
He nods, and because I don’t know what else to say, I cruise. I take a hard right turn toward the old abandoned post office on the edge of town. The thrill of coming out, finally saying the truth, starts to fade, and the tangled emotions from earlier return.
When I park, Nico hops off and immediately removes his helmet. “Are you okay, though?” he asks. “Your family is a lot, and coming out can be hard under the best of circumstances.”
“Yeah.” I step off the bike, not sure what to say. “Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
He asks the question so sweetly, but a wave of frustration hits me. I just showed him how pathetic my life is. Now Nico knows what kind of people I come from, not just my band but my family, too. He’s seen the worst of me.
“It’s just… humiliating,” I manage.
Nico steps closer. “What is? Your parents?”
“All of it. You see how much they love the band. It means everything to them. They never even cared about me until I made it big. And now they act like I’m a damn hero or prized pig because as far as they’re concerned, I am.” I kick at the dirt, pissed. “You heard my mom. She calls the radio station every morning to request my songs. She’s not lying.”
Nico scrunches his mouth to the side. I can see the wheels in his big brain turning as he studies me.
“Why is that humiliating?” he asks softly.
“Because this is who I am. I want to act like I’m different than Adrian and Elle, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m exactly who my family thinks I am.” He starts to object, but I keep talking, desperate to explain. “All these years, and I never walked away. Never told the label to fuck off. Never quit the band. I thought I was such a rebel, but I just accepted my life the way it was. So maybe I am a worthless slacker like my parents always said. And maybe that means I’m not strong enough to fix this. When I think about quitting the band, my pathetic assstillworries about letting my folks down, disappointing fans. Proving I was never the hero they saw anyway, just some loser.” I sigh. “Maybe now that they know I’m queer, my parents will ditch me first.” I look my boyfriend in the eye. “Maybe I needed you to meet them before I lost them forever.”