Page 97 of Filthy Rock Stars
“No!” Pain tears his voice open. “Nico, no! I didn’t say that. That’s not what I meant! I need to be with you! I want to be with you! I-- I--”
The helicopter starts again, the blades whirring. Shadow looks over his shoulder, and the guy gestures for him to go.
I step back again. My heart is pounding, and I know I’m about to break down sobbing. I want to throw myself into Shadow’s arms, let him hold me while I fall apart, but at the same time, I have this urge to hide my tears from him.
“Go without me!” he yells at the helicopter.
“No.” I swallow, ready to flee. “Go.”
“Go?” he asks, the wind whipping his hair.
I want to kiss him. It kills me not to kiss him, but I know the second I feel Shadow’s touch, I’ll collapse.
I start stepping back and he tries to say something else, but the further I get from the helicopter, the harder it is to hear him. “I--” he yells, but I need to get away.
As he yells again, his words swallowed by the machine, I rush to the stairs and leave.
CHAPTERTHIRTY
NICO
“Hey.It’s Shadow. Just letting you know that tabloid fuckrat is playing hardball, but I’m pretty sure he’ll cave and take the money, so the pictures should stay quiet.” There’s a pause, the audio crackly until he continues, voice strained. “I’ll stick close to my band and keep an eye on them until everything is smoothed over. The label has been on my ass to agree to this extra show anyway. I know you’re mad, but you should totally crash at my place if you want. I won’t be using it. And I’ll see you in LA, right? Looks like we’re the big names for the VMAs this year.” Shadow lets out a rough sigh. “Anyway. Yeah. See you soon, Nico. And, uh, I’m sorry. Truly.”
My heart breaks, just like every time I listen to the voicemail. He’s apologized over text, and we’ve tried the phone a few times, conversations that began and ended with more apologies, which I try to accept.
And now this voicemail.
I’m at Damian’s apartment, sprawled on his couch, too exhausted to even sit up properly.
“He’s avoiding me, right? That’s why he’s not coming back to Seattle?” I ask my best friend. “Is he breaking up with me?”
Or should I consider breaking up with him? That can’t be what’s happening.
Damian clicks his tongue. “Don’t say that. He invited you to stay at his place.”
“Because he feels guilty.” I sit up. “I know Shadow. He’s beating himself up right now. And he should be! He wasn’t honest with me. After everything we’ve been through, he kept secrets like we can’t trust each other.” I groan and bury my face in my hands, a fresh wave of anger rising. “Shit. I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m searching for ways to make this worse, and then other times I’m certain that I’m making excuses to avoid facing the inevitable. It’s like looking into a crystal and having your sight reflected a million different directions at once, and every one of them is emotionally exhausting.”
“Oh, Nico.” Damian joins me on the couch and rubs my shoulder. “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
I rub the back of my head. “It feels like Smith all over again. I’m just so mad!”
Damian huffs. “He fucked up, sure, but Shadow is not Smith.” He holds a finger out. “To begin, he celebrates and encourages you. He makes you feel big, at least usually, but Smith made you feel small.” He sticks out another finger. “Shadow is nice. Smithbetrayed you.” And another. “And Shadow is funny. And he shares your interests. And is extremely sexually compatible.” He throws his hands in the air. “Need I go on?”
I bite down on my lip, wrestling with my anger, this sense of distrust, and all the old hurt that’s rising back to the surface from my last relationship. Shadow is better for me. At least, I thought he was.
My face must be contorted because Damian rubs my shoulder again.
I swallow. “It’s possible that the reason I feel so emotional is because I’m in love with him.”
Damian rolls his eyes. “You think?”
I blink. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, oh wow!” Damian says, smiling broadly. “Love? Really? That’s amazing, Nico.”
“You knew?” I frown. “You did not know.”
“How could I not? You started fucking in public bathrooms, and you risked getting kicked out of your shiny new rock band. For the love of Star Trek, Nico, there was obviously something special going on!”