Page 24 of Codename: Dustoff
“First, I am really proud of you. Last month, there’s no way you would have shared any of this with me. Obviously, attending that group, even if it is cheesy is making you more comfortable talking about feelings. I really want to acknowledge the fact that you’re doing the work and I’m seeing proof of that work.”
The earnestness in her voice felt like the softest blanket being wrapped around me on the coldest day. It was a relief, or a comfort I didn’t think I needed. But knowing for once I achieved what was expected of me, it felt good.
“I think you should schedule a consult with your wellness team. I’d probably see if you could have a meeting with both your amp team and your women’s doctor. Just to make sure that there isn’t anything of concern, you know?”
She turned to her computer and pulled up their internal scheduling system.
“It looks like both doctors have availability in about two hours. Will wonders never cease, you’re actually getting taken care of in an expedient manner.” Pam chuckled, writing out my referral to take to processing. “You should play the lottery today. I think you might be the luckiest case I have.”
We discussed the flashbacks and nightmares, she made notes for the mental wellness team. I was sure I would had a few new appointments that would pop up in my chart once I brought my referral downstairs. I had a feeling there was some couch time in my future.
“I think you should call him.” Pam handed me the referrals. “You have a couple hours before your next appointment. Plenty of time to tell him what you told me. Think of it as a growing exercise. Report back to me after you talk to him, and I’ll finagle some extra eval points for doing it.”
“Pam—you play a dirty game.”
“I never said I was fair. Just effective!”
* * *
Ispent the rest of the day at the hospital. While most of that I spent waiting on one doctor or another, between my gynecologist, the orthopedist, and neurologist, they’d uncovered something I would have never expected. Nerve damage. Well the obvious nerve damage was a given. But the hits kept coming. As if losing a leg wasn’t enough trauma, I now got served a plate of sexual dysfunction.
“You see, Amelia, the map of nerves in the human body is both amazing and complex.” The neurologist had a non-amputated body up on the screen to show me the road map of the nervous system.
“This nerve,” he used one of those stupid red pointers to highlight it on the screen, “is the peroneal nerve. That’s the major nerve damaged in a transfemoral amputation such as yours. Especially in a TFA such as yours where the bones became significantly severed. The sticking point with this peroneal nerve, is something we are just slowly coming to understand in the fields of neuro-gynecology. Which is the study of the clitoral structure, its vascular structure, and the relationship of the various nerve structures that surround it. Each of these play into how the clitoris responds to stimuli.”
They’d lost me. I passively understood. I swear all of these doctors were the same. They all get so caught up in their big brains and medical terminology that they forgot we were people that were just trying to figure out our lives.
“Doctor, please. Can we simplify this for those of us in the room who studied social work and not medicine.”
Thank god Pam had insisted she be present as part of my triad of care.
“My apologies, Pam. The resulting nerve damage from the IED and loss of limb, has created a complex over-compensation to your clitoral structure. Which means when it becomes stimulated, it can’t figure out what to do with the rush of stimuli. The brain has been telling your nervous system for some time to deaden stimuli to your right leg because there is nothing there. So your body is confused.”
“Imagine your nervous system is like a spigot,” the gynecologist interjected. Her hair blocked her name tag, and I’d forgotten her name from our initial introductions. “Your amputation has been telling that spigot not to bother diverting water anywhere within this cluster of nerves”
She too pointed onto the picture of the nervous system with another pointer—hers was green. I wondered off hand, if they coordinated those. Like did their admins talk with one another and say, “okay Bill is bringing his red pointer to the meeting, so Suzy will need to use green or purple.”
“But by engaging in sexual activity with a new partner—”
“It was just a kiss.” I could feel my face explode with heat. Talking about my sex life in front of four near strangers was not what I’d expected for a Wednesday afternoon.
“The kiss, however, signals the brain to begin the arousal process.” The gynecologist continued, “So, your hormones increase, your blood flow increases, which swells the clitoris, which delivers the pleasure signals from your nerves back up to the brain to proceed further and notch up those feelings of desire. The problem is that there is a roadblock somewhere in that pattern. And instead of delivering feelings of pleasure, your nerves are overcompensating and creating a shortage, almost. Like if a fuze got too hot and popped in the fuze box.”
“So what’s the resolution,” Pam asked, looking between the three doctors, pen at the ready, “or is there even a resolution?”
“Of course there’s a resolution.” The neurologist began, “We of course want you to have the most normal and healthy life that you can. My suggestion would be to be open and frank with your partner. Both of you will need to be patient as you explore what sexual satisfaction looks like in this new normal. The nervous system is very complex. Nerves regenerate. Sensation you thought was lost comes back.”
“If I can interject again.” The gynecologist who finally moved her hair off her collar so that I could see her name was Dr. Xiao spoke up. “I realize this is hard to discuss in front of these two male doctors. Sexuality is a very personal and sensitive topic. Being in the Army strips you of a lot of the considerations we provide to non-enlisted patients. However, as an amputee who is presently part of a triad of care we all need to be present in order to be able to treat the comprehensive issues stemming from the IED. I would say your first steps would be to invest in some warming lubricant, maybe a good spicy book or two, and an open mind ready to remap your pleasure zones. The clitoris is much larger than doctors even twenty years ago understood. So don’t be afraid to explore places that either hadn’t given you pleasure previously, like perhaps a g-spot. Or even some places that may be considered dirty, taboo, or not for girls raised in certain religious homes. The anus has lots of nerves attached to the clitoral structure as well. I want you to know, woman to woman, there is zero shame in getting to know your own body in all of the ways it can bring you pleasure.”
Being in the Army strips you of most senses of privacy or embarrassment when it comes to most bodily functions. Especially soldiers that are stationed in the middle of a way, in a desert. However, I believe I’d just discovered my limit. Of things I expected to discuss today, my anus, lubricant, and masturbation were not anywhere in the realm of things that had entered my consciousness.
Dr. Xiao handed me her business card, as well as a card for a naturopath who specialized in the exploration of female sexuality. I honestly couldn’t wrap that meeting up fast enough, and if getting out of there quicker meant taking her pamphlets, so be it. I wasn’t sure I’d be looking her up any time soon, but I appreciated that for the first time a doctor treated me like an actual person and not just PFC Sanchez, transfemoral amp.
“Please feel free to schedule consultation time with me if you ever want to talk or need advice.”
She also turned over some pamphlets on female sexual dysfunction, and a list of suggested “sexual aids” that I could look into investing in. I could only imagine what my mother, father, or any of my siblings would say if they saw any of this information laying around my house. While instinct told me throw them out right as I exited the building, instead I shoved them into my backpack, intending to look at them at some point when I had privacy and after I absorbed all of this new information.