Page 29 of Imbalanced Minds
Chapter Sixteen
Iris
We fell into an easy rhythm over the last month since being home from hospital. I didn’t get out of bed other than using the bathroom or getting food. Sometimes Cory would get me up so we could watch a movie together. I enjoyed having an excuse to hide out in my bedroom. A lot of the nights I had terrible nightmares, which Cory was always by my side to comfort me out of the memories.
We haven’t yet put a label on us, but I know Cory wants to. The space he’s giving me is thoughtful and I appreciate him for it.
Mum, Dad and Nat have been coming back to visit; it’s actually bizarre considering this is Nat’s apartment too. She filled in all of the blanks I still had to work out, much to her reluctance. Although she shed some light on certain aspects in the hospital there were still grey areas.
Everyone keeps treading with caution around me, especially Mum and Dad, which I appreciate, but when they don’t treat me like the person I was before the attack, it makes my head go into a frenzy.
I keep thinking I did something to deserve these scars, that something I’d done made this happen. Maybe the fun and immature me was too much and in the end, I got what I deserved. Maybe I should have paid more attention? I’ll never figure it out. Not when my mind has been playing nasty tricks on me lately.
The thought of my ex keeping tabs on me has been the worst mind fuck of all.
It’s created the black space in my head to grow, especially when I’m on my own. It’s a dark and quiet place, much different to the anxious or overjoyed part; aside from my temper, I’m not the same person I was almost two months ago.
Cory started to notice me slip, and with him going back to work he’s left defenceless once more. He’s been trying to get through to me though, giving me compliments that I just can’t accept.
He doesn’t get it.
No one gets it.
I’m not worth getting.
My brother can’t even get over himself to come visit. Nat says Justin won’t come over while Cory’s still here. Apparently, he’s still pissed and holding a grudge after all this time. She’s been amazing to me though. This girl knows me and all my yo-yo like behaviour. She keeps telling me I’ll rise above this and become a better version of my former self because I don’t let anything define who I am.
Sorry to say, but I’m sure the girl everyone once knew is no longer home; the lights are out and the blinds are permanently down.
Cory will make himself scarce whenever I have a visitor, which I appreciate. I assume he does his errands or goes home. I miss him when he’s not here.
Nat has been doing all of my shopping and taking me to my doctor appointments—GP and Psychiatrist. I don’t really know why I have to see a therapist as I’m doing okay; maybe what I think is fine is everyone else’s she’s self-destructing. I no longer think about the attack, which apparently, is a bad thing. Aside from the nightmares, which slowly lessened, I should supposedly be having some side effects after an attack of that type, but I feel nothing. Perhaps it’s my new medication, maybe I can’t cope with all the tiny little voices chatting in my head. Most tell me negative things, but I’m used to that.
I haven’t touched alcohol since that night either; my doctor declared it will have severe side effects if mixed with my new meds aiding to the fact alcohol can be a natural depressant all on its own.
The little voice inside says I should test her theory.
Nat’s currently here talking to me as if I’m this broken piece of porcelain and I’m about over it. I should be listening to what she’s saying but I can’t help zoning out. My She-Devil is sitting on the ledge yelling instructions; between her and Nat I can’t take it anymore.
“STOP!” I shout, causing Nat to jump. “Just stop it, okay. Stop with all the boring talk, stop treating me like I’m fragile and stop acting like I’m not okay! I don’t need you patronizing me. Get the fuck over it already because I sure as fuck am!”
Shit that felt good. A sigh of relief wooshes out of my mouth and an odd sense of calm washes over me as I sit and breath, relishing in the calm that now consumes me.
“Listen, Natalie, I love you for being here for me, but I can’t do this walking on eggshells thing any longer. I need the old me back and I want my friend back too; the one who made stupid jokes and made fun of me. I... WANT... IT... ALL... BACK!” I scream some more because I really can’t help the rage that’s consuming me. At the same time, I really do love how yelling makes me so free and the way that release makes the tightness in my chest dissipate; like a weight is taken off my shoulders.
“I’m so angry that the fuck who did this to me is taking control of my life. I’m so sick of people acting like I’m a victim and my god I am so sick of that word!” I let out every word as if I’ve never had the chance to speak in my life. It’s so good, but it’s hell all at the same time.
I’m not sure what possesses me, but I really start losing it. I can’t decipher if I’m laughing or crying or both. Seriously, anyone would think I’m a lunatic. I sound virtually evil.
Nat, no longer sitting on the couch, is on her knees right in front of me.
“If anyone is walking on eggshells, Iris, it’s you. You haven’t said a single word about the accident. Not one. How do you think we feel? Watching our daughter, our sister, our best friend crumble right before us and not knowing how to help her! It’s hell for us too, damn it! We’ve been so careful not to speak of it in front of you, but I’ve had enough as well. I don’t care what the rest of them say, I’m healing too. For fuck’s sake. I was there as well, Iris. I saw you unresponsive on the ground with so many wounds we thought you were dead. There was so much blood, Iris, do you know what it’s like to think you’ve lost someone so close to you?”
“I do.” Comes a booming voice from the entranceway. Both of us snap our heads in Cory’s direction as he walks in holding take-out bags.
“Cory,” Nat gasps, “w-why are you back so soon?”
I’m busy covering my face to hide the pain that’s been so well hidden. I guess my She-Devil had a plan after all. I just didn’t think it would be against me.