Page 61 of Courting Claudia
“Yes. But after the sales changed with your illustrations, I saw what I could do. I could make the aristocracy more socially aware. Use the paper to bring issues in front of them that they would ordinarily ignore.”
“That’s a noble cause, but I don’t believe you went about it the right way.” It was noble. And part of her couldn’t really blame him, but the part of her that screamed for him to love her cried silently in the corner of her heart.
“I’m a businessman. It’s the way I think. But I haven’t finished my story. That is why I initially started courting you, but a couple of things happened. You were more charming than I anticipated, and I found I wanted to spend more and more time with you. And then there was your connection with Richard.”
“What about Richard?”
“I’m assuming it hasn’t escaped your memory that he attacked you the other day. I knew he was that kind of man. I didn’t want to see you get into a marriage with him. He would have destroyed you. Would have taken that part of you that makes you so different from all the other women and he would have trampled it into the ground. I couldn’t allow that to happen.”
“Noble again. I feel as if I should thank you, but I’m afraid it would not be genuine.”
“That’s understandable. I’m still not finished,” he said.
“Of course not.”
“I continued courting you and trying to convince you I was sincere because I was—I am genuinely attracted to you. I enjoy your company, enjoy being near you.”
She said nothing for a long while, waiting for his words to settle in around her. He’d been lying. He hadn’t been courting her, not really, but he still maintained that physically he wanted her.
“How am I supposed to believe anything you say, considering you’ve now admitted to lying to me twice? Should I simply believe you and wait for your confession later?”
“All I can tell you is that I had one marriage based on lies, and I’m determined that this one will not be like that. It is why I had to tell you the truth tonight. Every word out of Julia’s mouth was a lie, so I know how you’re feeling tonight. I apologize for putting you in that position, but at the time, I thought I was making the right decision. Whether or not you trust me from here is up to you. I can’t convince you either way.”
How had she forgotten he’d been married before? He’d lost his wife and Claudia had completely let that escape her memory. Yet, he didn’t seem to mourn her, instead he only mentioned Julia’s deceit. It didn’t take the sting away from her deflated pride, but it did give him some justification. A person who’d been wounded by another’s lies would be more sensitive to lying himself, wouldn’t he? Her head was spinning.
“I came in here tonight terrified about consummating our marriage, and instead I get this confession, which, frankly, I did not need. Was it not bad enough that we married under such horrible conditions? You had to further humiliate me?”
“I don’t see any of this as horrible, and I am not trying to humiliate you.”
“I should have known you were lying.”
“Why is that? Claudia, you’re not exactly a great judge of character?”
“That’s not kind.”
“I apologize. I only meant that you see the good in people. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I’d rather not talk about this. It always sounds as if I’m whining, as if I’m pathetic. And frankly I’d rather you not think that of me on our wedding night.”
“I don’t think you’re pathetic. I’ve never thought that.” He turned her face so that she looked at him. “My false courtship was not about you. I know you think this is about you and whether or not you’re desirable as a woman, but that’s never been what it was about, Claudia. Before I knew you, I decided to court you to prevent you from resigning from my newspaper. I would not have made that decision had I thought you were a toad. I hadn’t planned to marry again. But I recognized that if I had to marry, you were who I would have chosen. I think you’re a beautiful, intelligent, and funny woman.”
“I’m not beautiful. I think it’s cruel that you would try to appeal to my vanity with more lies.”
“I would never lie about something like that. I know it’s hard to see where I draw the line on what I will and won’t lie about. I think I’m more qualified to judge beauty in a woman.”
“I’m too plump.” It came out in a whisper, and she looked down at the bedcovers. She hadn’t intended to say that. It was horrible to admit—not that people didn’t already notice. But she’d been more comfortable when she’d been angry with him. Somehow he’d diffused her anger, and now she sat feeling like an open wound waiting for him to pour on the salt.
“You’re no such thing. Women are all different. Some are tall and thin like Poppy, and many men find her irresistible. Other women are short, some are fleshy, some are—the list can go on. I don’t think you’re too plump. I think your body is amazing. I would love to strip off every last inch of that silly nightgown and spend the rest of the night proving to you how delicious I find your body.”
“You don’t know what my body looks like.” She let out a laugh that sounded more like a snort. “And you clearly don’t know what a good corset can hide. My breasts are entirely too large, and I have a generous belly. And my hips and thighs…” She shook her head.
“Is this why you were terrified?”
She nodded. “I don’t want you to touch me.”
“We can’t consummate this marriage unless you let me touch you, Claudia. But I won’t touch you until you’re ready.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not you. It’s me.”