Page 153 of Lost in the Dark
I stare at the steaming bloodstains left on the cracked ground before me.
“There’s nothing more we can do.” The doctor is exasperated, and so am I.
How do I explain to him that she comes into my room at night to inject me with things, thinking I’m fast asleep? How do I explain that I usually feel ill the following day, but I can’t prove anything. Nothing makes sense. No child wants to think badly of the person who brought them into this world.
But here we are, back in the hospital, and this barren wasteland that represents my life.
“Benjamin deserves everything! I need a second opinion!” Her dramatics are causing a scene.
I slap the side of my head, trying to dislodge her caring voice. The lies that surround me drown me like tar, making me want to scratch my skin off, but my movements are slow when I want to end it all. Only the sounds of her cries consume me, becoming louder, stabbing me in the chest with guilt.
She’s led me down a path I did not want to go. Led me to this point of no return.
“Benjamin!”
Stop. Stop calling me. Get away from me!
“Benjamin!” My mother’s wails make my ears want to bleed.
The voices of the hospital staff all blend together until it turns into the sound of metal on metal, grating, making me grind my teeth.
Benjamin.
She couldn’t stop, could she?
Benjamin.
It ended though; itdid.
Benji.
Lost among the others, I found myself.
Benji!
I jerk and fall off the bed onto the cold tile floor, my head almost cracking against it. Groaning, I lie on my back, blinking a few times to clear my vision. The fluorescent lights above me flicker once and hum.
When my mind returns to itself, I flip over quickly onto my hands and feet, looking around.
Beneath my bed are lost items from the previous resident. Beneath the closed door, shadows pace back and forth like a pendulum, though I know it’s not so. The sea of the lost is out there, waiting to pull me into its waves.
Crab-walking on my hands and feet, I stealthily cover ground until I reach the door. I climb to my feet and look out the window behind me, in case the darkness trailed me from my nightmares. There’s nothing today, not even the sound of my mother’s disapproval and disappointment. My back twitches and my head tilts abruptly to try to rid myself of the feeling of her secret needles scoring the back of my neck.
She always did love sympathy.
It doesn’t matter how many decades have gone by, the memory is ingrained into my body like a cauterized wound that refuses to let you forget every time you feel it, every time you metaphorically see it in your mind.
My hand lifts to grab the metal knob and twist, and coolness reminds me I’m back in reality. My fingers aren’t numb anymore; it doesn’t feel like I’m wading through the weight and pressure of an ocean. Quickly pulling the door open, I merge onto the foot traffic that’s accumulated in front of my room. Something hits me in the shoulder, and I hiss.
I bare my teeth before I see that it’s just Daniel. His piercing stare is accompanied by a blank face as he stares over my head, his mind lost somewhere else.
I bark out loud, startling him; he jumps back and hits Thomas. The men’s hall is full of lunatics, and I double over in mirth before smiling at them.
“Get your crazy joker smiles away from me!” Daniel snarls when he straightens.
“Would you rather him hyena laugh instead? You can only choose one.” Thomas rubs the back of his head as he comes to stand beside Daniel.
These two have become strange friends. They barely talk to one another but are always found standing within the same vicinity. Complete opposites, Daniel towers over most of the men here, while Thomas is one of the shorter guys.