Page 39 of Turning the Tide

"It's not like that, Judson. I don't want to go, especially not now. I'm not abandoning her."

"Have you told Hanna this?" Blakely asks, pushing her hair behind her ear nervously.

"No. I'll tell her when I know more details."

Judson's voice breaks the silence, almost desperate, "Why did you join the Air Force anyway? Why did you leave?"

"Judson," Blakely warns, giving him a hateful glare.

"No, It's okay. He's allowed to ask that."

"So?" He barks, "Why?"

"Because I couldn't stand to be around you. I couldn't stand to look at you and know that you didn't come from Ryan, and I did. It ate away at me knowing that I could be like him, that it was in my blood."

"Jay," Blakely coos, and I stop her.

"No! I almost killed the person that gave me life, and what's worse is I wish I would have. I couldn't do it though, something stopped me. Maybe it was Hanna's screams, or maybe it was my conscience, I don't know."

Judson moves reluctantly to the chair next to me, "You didn't have to leave. If you needed help, we could've helped you."

I shake my head vigorously, "No. No one could've helped me. I didn't even want to help myself. It took nearly drinking myself to death and having to scrape myself up from rock bottom to get back on track. The Air Force saved my life, Judson. I know you don't understand it, but I needed to get away from everyone to fix myself."

"We understand, Jameson. You went through a lot, and everyone has their own way of coping and healing," Blakely adds, rubbing her hand down my shoulder, just like my mother used to do.

I've been ready for deployments before, and these missions are typically short, thirty to sixty days max. We were just stationed here, so I don't see them moving us.

I can do this.

I can be away from Ellie for a little while. It's my job, it's just my job, I tell myself. It's not like I'm leaving her for good or walking away. When I said I wanted to be in her life, I meant it.

18 Years Old

"So Jameson, what are you studying?" Mrs. Mason questions.

"Well, I'm just a freshman, so I'm taking general Ed courses right now, but I was thinking engineering."

"Engineering? What type?" Mr. Mason asks from the head of the table, stabbing his salad with a fork.

"Aeronautical."

His eyes widen, "You want to be a pilot?"

"I'm not sure. I want an aviation career. I just don't know if it will be flying a plane or mechanical."

Mr. Mason glances at his son, Adam immediately looking away.

"I tried to get Adam to consider engineering, but he loves the winery so much he decided to go for business."

"Tell us about your family, Jameson," Mrs. Mason demands, Hanna's grip on my knee under the table tightening.

"Well, my mom passed when I was in middle school, and my dad is a real piece of work, so we don't see him often. My brother basically raised me."

"Oh, that's good you have him," Mr. Mason gives me a tight-lipped smile, and Adam eyes me.

"What happened to your mom?" Mrs. Mason questions, Hanna interrupting her, "Mom!"

"It's alright, Han," I squeeze her leg back under the table, "she had breast cancer."