Page 107 of Craving Paradise
I’m still blocked everywhere when it comes to Lauren. In our drunkenness, Alistair and I created bogus social accounts so we could see what was happening with the girls.I know we’re fucking lame.
Christmas came and went.
Autumn was celebrating in LA this year with her new man’s family, and Mum went over to join her. She’s in love with some ex-war photojournalist guy, who looks like he’s stepped out of aGI Joecomic and would probably kill me with his pinky. I decided to spend it with Dad, just the two of us. It was as sad as it sounded.
It seems Lauren was celebrating it with her family in Dorset, judging by her happy photos. Both she and Elle looked like they were having the time of their lives. Her photos and videos all show her dancing around the room happily drinking and smiling.
Does her heart not ache like mine does?
New Year’s sucked.
Wasn’t in the mood for New Year’s this year even though my friends tried to get me out. I attended Alex’s holiday party and sat in the corner drinking a beer. Who am I kidding, I was sitting in the corner scrolling socials looking at what Lauren was doing. She was in Paris with Elle, photos of them standing in front of the twinkling lights of the Eiffel Tower together. Looking happy was a dagger in my heart.
Is it midnight yet? I’m desperately waiting for the clock to count down to midnight so I can get the hell out of here. As the clock eventually strikes the magical hour, there’s the tiniest bit of hope this new year might be better than the last one.
I was wrong.
* * *
“I’m so sorry for your loss, man,” Alex says, slapping me on the back as they lower my father’s coffin into the ground.
This was not at all how I thought he would go—a heart attack in his chair. He died alone watching the New Year’s Eve fireworks on the television. If it wasn’t for my mother deciding on a whim to go visit him on New Year’s Day as she was in the area, we would never have known something tragic had happened.
“I can’t believe it,” I say, staring blankly into the grave. He was still so young. He had finally got his life on track and was in a good place, the Universe is a cruel bitch for cutting his life short when it was getting good. Autumn is devastated as she was looking forward to introducing her new guy to him. She has been talking about wedding bells with this guy. I know she was looking forward to Dad walking her down the aisle. And now, she won’t ever get that chance.
“It’s time to head to the wake,” Daniel states quietly.
“You guys go, I need a moment.”
The guys are reluctant to leave me but when I reassure them again, they leave me alone. I don’t know how I feel in this moment because all my life I have hated and loved him in equal parts. If I’m honest, there’s a part of me that’s slightly relieved he won’t succumb to his disease ever again. That we don’t have to worry about something making him fall off the wagon and having to start the entire rollercoaster again. I’m lost in my thoughts until I feel a presence behind me.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Jasper.”
I still.
There’s no way. I’m hallucinating.
My shoulders tense as the familiar voice slides over my skin. Slowly, I turn around, not sure if this is truly happening, but there she is standing before me. I let my eyes run over her to see if she is real. Lauren’s dressed in an oversized black coat that stops at her calves, black stockings, and heels. Her makeup is neutral, even her lips are the palest of pinks unlike her ruby ones I love so much. Her black hair is slicked back in a ponytail, and she’s wearing diamond-studded earrings. She looks like a vision, and my heart breaks all over again as my anger returns.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to pay my respects to your family. I’m so sorry about your father,” she tells me as she reaches out to me.
I pull my arm away from hers. That’s when I notice her ice-blue eyes are red-rimmed like she’s been crying. How dare she cry for a man she doesn’t know.
“You’ve paid your respects, now go.”
Lauren’s face pales at my vicious words.
“Jasper …”
I shake my head angrily. “No. You walked out on me. You don’t decide now because my dad died that you can waltz back into my life. Like this. You made your choice.”
Lauren gasps at my words as tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Seeing her upset like this is ripping me in two, but she made her choice and now because of tragedy, she decides she can come back and talk to me. What about all those times I tried to reach out? She blocked me, does she remember that? Because I do, every single fucking day.
“I’m sorry for everything, Jasper. I wish it could be different.”
“That’s the thing, Lauren, it could be different, but you don’t want it to be. I don’t believe anything you have to say. Your words are meaningless because your actions say what you really feel. Did you ever love me? Was I some fool you chose to string along for some sick and twisted game girls at the club like to play with a guest?” I spit her.