Page 108 of Craving Paradise
Lauren takes a step back from my tirade as more tears fall down her cheeks.
“I’m not going to fight with you today, Jasper. I came here today as it was the right thing to do to show support for the people who mean something to me.”
“I’ll pass your regards on to Autumn then because I know you don’t give a shit about me.”
“Jasper, you’re being unfair.”
“Unfair? Unfair is you blocking me on social media. Unfair is being so fucking angry at you for breaking my heart yet in the same breath all I want to do is pull you into my arm and kiss the hell out of you because I’ve missed you so much. I hate that I still love you. I hate that you consume my heart twenty-four hours a day. It’s unfair that I can’t move on from you. That I can’t forget the way your lips feel against my own or the way you feel like fucking home when I slide inside you, that my soul knows it’s found its other half. I hate that everything feels right in the world when you’re standing right in front of me in this moment even though it’s not. That’s what is fucking unfair, Lauren,” I yell at her as the tears I’ve been trying to hold in all day today finally fall.
Lauren stands there stunned by my words as her hand touches her lips as she tries to hold back her sobs. “You’re not the only one who feels these things too.”
“Lies. Fucking lies,” I bite back.
Lauren shakes her head as she tries to contain her sobs.
“You can go. I’ve heard enough for today.”
Lauren’s eyes widen in surprise at my venom, but this time she doesn’t fight me. She turns on her heel and walks away from me slowly. Each step she takes away from me is another chip away at my fractured heart.
32
JASPER
Alex invited me to the soft launch of The Paradise Club Resort a couple of months after my father’s death to cheer me up as I had retreated inside my cocoon after his funeral. I heard from Autumn that Lauren and Elle had moved to America to start new lives.
If I’m honest, I’m relieved.
I need to start again. Lauren has made her choice, and her turning up at my father’s funeral hasn’t changed the giant elephant between us—her loyalty to Elle. Even Alistair seems to have moved on from Elle. I know deep down inside he still hurts over her ghosting him, but I think being in Australia, the change of scenery helped mend his heart, or he is a fucking good actor. That’s the only reason I’ve said yes to going to the resort’s soft opening to see if I, too, can get back to the old Jasper again.
When I arrived at the resort, there was a tiny portion of me that hoped and wished Lauren would be here. But when I checked my socials, she and Elle were in New York. I let myself go at the island. It took me a little while to get back into the swing of things again, but the week here was amazing and exactly what the doctor should have ordered.
Of course, Mr. Romantic Alex goes and meets someone on day one of the soft opening. What kind of fool falls for someone at a sex resort?Hello, pot, meet kettle.Is this a new kink my friends and I have, falling for women at sex clubs? Daniel better watch out, otherwise, he’ll be next. The girl he’s fallen for is the sister of Nate’s event manager, who Nate seems to be having a fling with. This surprises me because Nate is the complete opposite of Alex. He never falls in love and never ever mixes business and pleasure. All I know is I’ve found my mojo again and I’m living my best life at the resort.
Since coming home from the island, Alex has turned all heart-eyes for Ivy, the girl he met on the island, and as much as I love my boy, he’s a fool, especially as she comes with some baggage. Thank goodness I have the other boys, especially Alistair, who is enjoying his single life. Elle who? The man owns the hottest clubs in the world he should be enjoying his freedom.
We’ve all been invited back to the grand opening of The Paradise Club Resort. It’s been months since the last time I was there, and this time I’m feeling more like my old self again. There’s still a tiny bit of nervousness arriving at the resort, wondering if Lauren is here, all because I saw a couple of pictures of her on what looks to be a white sandy beach and turquoise water. It could fucking be anywhere in the world. I’ve tried stopping myself from looking at her socials, but it’s a habit I can’t seem to break.
Does it still hurt seeing her smiling face online? Yes. But I can’t do anything more about it. She has moved on, and I must too.She moved to the other side of the world to get away from you, Jasper. Don’t think she can be any clearer.I’m findingit’s easier said than done, though, but being surrounded by fantasy does help one disconnect from their complicated reality.
Daniel and Alistair missed out on the grand opening, and it was one of the greatest weekends of my life until something sinister happened to Nate and the girl that he was seeing. It was something to do with an ex who smuggled his way onto the island and did something pretty fucked up to Nate and his girl. That dulled the party as I helped Alex and Nate.
Up until that point of the weekend, I was having the best time. I haven’t returned to my manwhore ways after the first time at the resort. I took small steps back into single life in London, but this weekend I did overindulge. It was like I had been on a diet for so long that when I was able to indulge on the island, I did. Everything on offer I tried, and every female staff member and guest who was interested in fucking I said yes to.
There was a sobering moment as I was heading back to London with Alex that I realized this is what my father must have felt like when he fell off the straight and narrow and started gambling again—losing your mind and saying yes to it all, excessively indulging like a glutton, tying to repeatedly catch that high.
Am I a sex addict?
I don’t think so. It doesn’t consume my life like gambling did for my father or drinking did for my grandfather. But the way I treated relationships before meeting Lauren, the way I would never form long-lasting bonds because of the fear of being hurt wasn’t healthy either. I know this weekend I acted like a sex addict. Is this what it’s like coming down from the high? Feels like it. I think there might be an element of addiction in my genes, which makes sense as it filtered down through the generations. I’m masking my pain of being hurt with the high of orgasms or says my therapist.
Yeah, I booked myself into one when I came back from The Paradise Club. One shouldn’t feel depressed after a weekend at a sex resort, but it did bring to the surface a heap of trauma I had buried deep down inside me.
I went back to The Paradise Club recently to put the ghost of Lauren to bed. It wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be, but it was a breakthrough. No matter how much my heart still aches for her, I know it was never meant to be. Otherwise, we would be together now.
Time to start again and put the ghost of Lauren behind me.
* * *
Five months later