Page 23 of Dove

It was me. It was everyone else. I couldn’t be this girl. I couldn’t be his whore. The girl who got off on being tortured by him. If I let it happen again, I wasn’t sure I could make my way back out. If I could live with the shame of knowing I liked it. Of other people knowing. I’d already been tortured for it twice before.

“Have you ever wanted something even though you knew it was wrong?” I vaguely asked.

“Umm… you mean like when I shouldn’t eat that last cookie because I know it’ll go straight to my hips, but I eat it anyways ‘cause it’ll make me happy.” She smiled.

I rolled my eyes. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Do I? You’re going to need to be more specific.” She stared at me while I focused on the loose thread.

Could I really talk to her about this? She was my only friend, but we’d never been the kind of friends who talked about sex. I knew what happened when you told those secrets. She’d tell someone, and they’d tell someone else, then soon I’d be ‘the girl who gets off on being whipped with a belt’ to a random group of people I’d never met. I’d be the freak. If I wasn’t already.

“Maddox and I don’t have a normal sex life. And I’m afraid if we keep going, I’ll never have normal again.” My voice was soft, only admitting as much as I could.

“What’s normal?” She shrugged. “We all get off from different stuff. Some people like control. Some like a little pain. I don’t discriminate.”

“It’s more than a little pain.” I grumbled quietly, not bothering to wonder how she would know that. Or what she was into.

“I mean, I’m not surprised. With the reputation Maddox has. I knew he was into some kinky stuff.”

“How do you know all this?” I asked with a furrow in my brow. “You know who he was that first night. You knew he was in the mafia. And now you know his kinks.”

She stared at me for a long time. Her green eyes assessing like she was trying to figure out if she could trust me. It was absurd. We’d been friends for years. Of course, she could trust me.

“I knew who Maddox was because I frequent the other club the Vancinis own.” Her words were measured as if she was waiting for my reaction.

“What other club? Another strip club?” I knew there were a few in the city; I honestly didn’t keep track. I’d only ended up working at Entice because the hours let me stay home with my mom while she’d been sick.

“Not a strip club. Wicked.” She smoothed down her dark ponytail, bringing her long hair to rest on her shoulder. “A sex club. A kink club.”

Jealousy rolled through my stomach. What if Maddox and Tessa had sex? What if my best friend had slept with my boyfriend before me?

I looked at Tessa. At her beautiful olive skin. Her dazzling green eyes. Her fit body that men fell over themselves to watch as she danced at Entice. I was nothing compared to her. I was petite and simple. She was gorgeous.

I swallowed the bile in my throat before I spoke. “Oh…um… have you and Maddox ever…?”

“Never.” Her answer was quick and firm. “We aren’t into the same kind of thing.”

Relief washed through me. I knew he’d slept with other people, and so had I. I assumed he’d done the same things with them as he’d done with me. His kinks didn’t just develop overnight. He’d told me before that he’d been exploring them since puberty. I could handle all that. I couldn’t handle it if he’d slept with my best friend.

“What kind of things are you into?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes. “This is about your kinks, not mine. So you like pain play?”

I shrugged. Tessa reached out and shook my knee gently. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people like it. There wouldn’t be kink clubs if people weren’t there experimenting.” She gestured around to all the books on the wall. “You read thousands of smutty books, and you’ve never come across some pain play. Some BDSM.”

“No.” I tucked the blanket further around me as she tilted her head.

“Why not?” There was no judgment in her voice. No calling me a freak. She just accepted that this was a thing I liked. Told me it was okay. The same way Maddox did.

“I was afraid.”

Afraid that I wouldn’t know my limits. Afraid that my dark thoughts would push me past the edge. Taking your own life was hard, but letting someone take it; that was easy. Even if I could get past the labels, the judgment and open up this part of myself, would I know when to stop? Would Maddox?

Or was I destined to die because of him? Or by his hand?

“Having a partner you trust is important.” Tessa said as if she could read my thoughts.

I never got a chance to reply because the library doors opened as Maddox strode in. He tipped his chin at Tessa in greeting as he yanked me off the couch. Our mouths collided as he stole a kiss from me.