Page 85 of Rule Number Five

But when my guard fell, the quiet voice slipped in. Why couldn’t we have tried? Why couldn’t I have compromised? When I was feeling masochistic, I thought of all the ways that he’d proved he wasn’t like my dad. The little things like knowing I’d be tired and showing up with coffee and my favorite breakfast all the way to big things like delaying his best friend’s proposal because he believed I belonged there with them. I was a part of their group. He and I were a team.

I pushed my palm hard against the ache in my chest as the pain shredded through my heart. I’d pushed him away. The deeper, darker thing that I was terrified of was if I’d truly ended it to protect my future happiness, or had I done it out of fear of losing whatever this was? Because I lost it anyway, and I kept trying to convince myself I didn’t want it back.

I got dressed and came out of my room, where Mia was already waiting for me. Her eyes were soft, and she looked at me like I was a wounded animal. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny.

“It’s going to be okay. Not every love story is forever.” Her voice was calming, but it stung. No matter how many times I told myself that, I came to the same thought.I wish it was forever. I wish we’d found a way. I wish I wasn’t so damaged by my own dad. When I was tired, I let myself be selfish and wish he could’ve stayed with me, wish he would break the gender norms and my career could be the important one, but I would never expect that of him. Jax giving up his dreams was as bad as me giving up mine, leaving me exactly where I was now. Heartbroken.

The ceremony was long, with my dad conveniently forgetting to attend, but an overwhelming feeling of pride still overtook me.I did it. I’d started out on this path with a plan, and I’d made it through, and now I was onto phase two. I desperately wanted to call Jax, to hear his voice congratulating me, but the person who understood what I was going through was the person I couldn’t reach out to, knowing it would hurt us both. Thinking about where he was right now, I pictured him skating with his team, and a smile tipped my lips. He deserved it. He deserved all of it. He was amazing, and he was going to find some actress or supermodel who was in the business and had a similar schedule, and they were going to have the happiness we couldn’t. Jealousy filled me as tears built in my eyes, but I fought against them. I’d done this.

My phone buzzed in my hand.

Jax: Congratulations, Sidney, I’m proud of you.

My heart slammed in my chest that he knew how much I’d want to hear from him today. I felt shattered now that I had. Gently tracing the words over the screen, I typed back.

Me: We did it. We reached for big dreams and somehow, we’ve made it.

I felt tears drip down my cheek, and rawness scratched at my skin, knowing what I’d given up. Straightening, I wiped my eyes and went to find Mia. Tonight, we would celebrate. Or, at the very least, I’d get drunk enough to forget.

THIRTY-SIX

ONE MONTH AFTER

SIDNEY

I walkedinto my apartment after a few drinks with my new coworkers and sighed at the state of the place. I’d moved here a week ago, and there were still boxes covering the floor, needing to be unpacked.

I hadn’t had the energy to put anything away. Don’t get me wrong, my team was phenomenal, but when I got home, all I wanted to do was call Jax and tell him about my day. I wanted to tell him about my officemate, who liked to listen to ’80s rap, and that I was starting to learn the songs, or describe how awesome my office was, with a small window that looked over the park where I’d found the perfect sweets shop. They made the best chocolate croissants that always made me think of him.

Since I couldn’t do any of that, I crashed on the couch and flicked through Netflix while living off takeout. Not my finest moments. When I was feeling desperate, I scrolled through his Instagram feed, looking for glimpses of him. Turned out I had masochistic tendencies because every post hurt.

Mia’s voice came through our video call a mile a minute. She was excited because she was already first in her class.Like I ever doubted her.

She was happy, and my shoulders relaxed as relief washed through me. She’d never opened up about what had happened between her, Alex, and River, but her smiles hadn’t reached her eyes in months. Before I left for my new job, I could hear her crying at night, but she’d always deny it in the morning.

Misery may love company, but I was happy my friend was breaking through it. Which was more than I could say about myself. It had been two months, and the ache wasn’t dissipating. I just wanted to call him even more. Late at night, when I couldn’t sleep, I let myself think about how things could’ve turned out differently had I been a little braver.

I pictured myself flying out to surprise him at one of his games. How his broad smile would take over his face and his dimples would be on full display. I let myself imagine the warmth of his arms and tried to remember his woodsy smell.

It was becoming a special form of self-torture.

JAX

River crashed down on our couch beside me. “Just fucking call her, man.”

I groaned. “You know I can’t do that.” Putting my elbows on my knees, I held my head in my hands.

“No, I know youwon’tdo that.”

It was hypocritical of him to call me out like this—he and Alex were barely talking to each other.

“You’re one to talk,” I snapped. “Why don’t you just callyourgirl?”

He knew exactly who I was talking about. I was so involved with what was happening between Sid and me that I’d completely missed what was happening between Alex, River, and Mia.

He deadpanned, “Because she didn’t choose me,asshole.” His voice came out hard, and his body stiffened.

I smiled. “Are you sure about that?”