Page 69 of Out of Reach

“We were on the field trip and paired up with other people. I was buddies with Gabe Springer, and Hart had paired up with Joe Townsend. We were told to stick together, no matter what. If Hart and I had been partnered, I would have been holding Hart’s hand because I always felt protective of him. But as second graders who’d already been indoctrinated to think holding another guy’s hand was wrong, we didn’t do that with our friends. We’d gotten off the school bus where it was parked, buddied up, and were walking along the sidewalk on a busy downtown street, heading toward the aquarium. We had to pass through a construction area and avoid walking beneath ladders and scaffolds while not stepping on tools or tripping over traffic cones. When the sidewalk got narrow, we formed a line. Hart was in front of me with one set of kids between us. I saw him step off the sidewalk onto the street, and suddenly, he was gone. Someone had left a manhole uncovered. He went straight down. We all stopped, stunned. Then a teacher started yelling, and everything was chaos.”

“Oh, my God,” Jude whispered, imagining the horror. “It must have been terrifying for you.”

“I just couldn’t grasp what had happened. I stood there while teachers and construction workers gathered around the manhole and other teachers herded us together, taking us into a nearby coffee shop and sitting us at a table. Out the glass front of the shop, I watched as someone went down the manhole. Police cars and an ambulance appeared. Some of the kids were crying, and a teacher was holding my hand. I was just numb.”

“Oh, Hawk,” Jude said, devastated for the child he’d been.

“What came after that was worse. My parents got there while the paramedics were working on him. My mom was screaming and had to be sedated. She was taken to the hospital with Hart. My dad took me to a neighbor’s house. I later learned Hart had died on impact.”

Jude felt sick. “Did you go to the funeral?”

“Yeah. My parents said maybe I shouldn’t, but I wanted to. They had a closed casket, and I couldn’t fathom that Hart was in there. I asked my father to let me see him, but he said no. He was crying. I later learned Hart’s head had cracked open in the fall, and he’d landed on something that had impaled his neck.”

Burying his face in Hawk’s side, Jude closed his eyes and clung to him while Hawk stroked his back like Jude was the one who needed comforting.

“I’m so sorry,” Jude said, because it was the only thing he could think to say. After a moment, he heard a sniffle and realized Hawk was quietly crying. Raising up, Jude wiped the tears from Hawk’s eyes and cheeks. “I shouldn’t have asked,” he said sorrowfully.

“No, it’s okay. I’ve never told anyone the story like that.” He swallowed tears. “In a way, it feels good to have said it all out loud. I’m sorry I didn’t do it before.”

“Christ, who would want to relive that?” Jude asked, shaking his head. “Thank you for telling me.” He snuggled into Hawk, trying to relay how much he cared through physical closeness.

CHAPTER FORTY

Hawk

Hawk felt something give way inside him after telling Jude about what had happened to his brother. Of course, everyone in his hometown knew about it, but no one spoke of it when Hawk or his family were within hearing distance. Soon after the accident, the Sterlings moved to another city in Michigan where no one knew them. After that, sometimes it had felt like Hart had never existed. They had photos, of course, and some of Hart’s things were packed up in the attic—his Little League uniform, his Boy Scout badges—but since the brothers had shared clothes and toys, they all became Hawk’s.

To protect his heart, Hawk buried his memories of his brother down deep. He didn’t mention having had a twin to his new friends, and life went on, although it was a different life from before. His parents were different; their marriage was different; Hawk’s sister was different. Years later, after Jude left and Hawk finally entered therapy, he realized that his family had all been affected by Hart’s death in different ways. After that, Hawk began calling them more often on the phone. He’d even had a heart-to-heart with his sister, who had confided that she felt guilty about their brother’s death. But he’d never had the courage to broach the subject with his parents. He knew he needed to do that.

Because Hawk had never taken any proper vacation time since he started at Falcon Security, Jase, West, and Logan readily okayed his time off request for the following week. In the meantime, he and Jude went to a clinic to be tested so they could stop using condoms. Hawk felt like he was walking on clouds. He couldn’t believe the turn his life had taken, and he wasn’t about to fuck it all up. He treated Jude like a king, opening doors for him, making him food, sitting on the beach with him at night to gaze into the stars. With every day that passed, he thanked his lucky stars that Jude was giving him a second chance.

Jude was obviously nervous about the upcoming trip to meet Hawk’s family, and part of that might have been due to leaving the house. Hawk believed Slade that Prescott was out of the country. The man would have to be a moron to stay with so many charges over his head, and if he had stayed, the feds would have caught him by now. Jude agreed with all of that when Hawk pointed it out, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still afraid. So, when the day came to leave, Hawk made sure he stuck close to Jude, making him feel as safe as possible during every moment of the trip.

When their flight landed at the GRR airport, Hawk’s father was there waiting for them. He pulled Hawk into a hug, and Hawk was shocked speechless at the wave of emotion that hit him.

“Dad, this is Jude,” Hawk said, when he’d pulled himself together.

Surprise lit his father’s eyes. “Oh.Oh.It’s nice to finally meet you, Jude.”

Jude held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you, too, sir.”

Hawk’s parents knew about Jude when they’d dated. They’d tried to find out what had happened when they’d broken up, but Hawk had been unwilling to talk about it. They didn’t know Jude had reappeared in his life. Hawk’s father cast a reproving look at his son for blindsiding them before saying, “I’m parked in short-term. Do you have checked bags?”

“Nope. We packed light.” Hawk took Jude’s hand as they walked through the crowded airport.

“Your mother has made pot roast. She insisted it’s your favorite. I could have sworn your favorite was spaghetti.”

“Spaghetti was Hart’s favorite.” Hawk was surprised at how easily he said it.

“That’s right.” Hawk’s father chuckled, a fond expression on his face. “He loved twirling it on his spoon.”

When Hawk glanced at Jude, he smiled up at him as though understanding the hugeness of the moment.

The drive to Hawk’s parents’ house took less than fifteen minutes, and when they arrived, Hawk’s mother came outside and ran to hug Hawk as soon as he got out of the car.

“We’ve missed you so much,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. A fresh wave of guilt hit Hawk. He’d been such a bastard.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I promise I’m going to see more of you from now on.” He turned from her hug toward Jude. “This is Jude. My boyfriend.”