Page 68 of Out of Reach

“I love my family. I do. I just have trouble expressing that love. And, I know this won’t make any sense, but the more I’m with them, the more scared I get that I’ll lose them.”

Somehow, this admission didn’t really surprise Jude. He knew Hawk was closed off—probably knew it better than anyone, although at first, he’d convinced himself Hawk’s reserve with him had come from a lack of caring.

Hawk was staring at the ceiling as though it held the answers for him.

“Everybody’s scared of losing the people they love,” Jude said.

“I know. But somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that if I stay away—hold myself back—it’ll hurt less when I lose them.”

“Your brother’s death has to have something to do with it,” Jude said.

“Yeah. It does. We were twins. We shared everything. A crib, toys, books. Later, a bedroom and a bed even though we each had our own. Hart was like a part of me, and when he died so quickly—just disappeared, it felt like—I had a lot of trouble dealing with it.”

Hawk ran his hand over Jude’s bare back as he spoke, and Jude listened, silently eating up every long-coveted word about Hawk’s past, heart bleeding for him.

“How did he die?” Jude asked quietly. The only thing Hawk had ever told him was that his twin had died in an accident.

“It was about as freak of an accident as you can get,” Hawk said, his hand on Jude’s back stopping its movement, and falling lax on the mattress. “He fell into a manhole.”

Pushing away, Jude settled his head in the crook of Hawk’s arm so he could see his face.

“Were you there?”

Hawk nodded.

“How old were you?”

“We had turned eight the day before. We had a big party at the roller rink. All our friends were there. It was so much fun.” Hawk took a deep breath and let it out. “We were on a field trip downtown. Our class was going to the newly opened aquarium. Usually, Hart and I walked side-by-side. We had our own friends, but we shared most of them, and it was our habit to be together. Our teacher did the buddy system when we went on field trips, and Hart and I were always buddies. Always. But that day, we’d asked the teacher if we could pair up differently.”

“How come?” Jude asked.

“At our party the day before, Rory Betts—he was our friend Caleb’s older brother and was only there to watch after Caleb for their parents—said something about how when Hart and I were grown, we’d share a house and probably a wife. It was a lame comment, but a lot of the kids laughed. Most of them forgot it by the time the pizza was served. I had, but Hart was more sensitive than I was. That night he asked me if it was true. Would we always be together? And was it weird that a part of him wanted us to be?”

Jude could understand how a young boy, so close to his twin brother but struggling for autonomy, would feel conflicted.

“I told him I didn’t know and not to worry about it. I wish now that I’d said more. Made him feel better.”

“What would you have said?” Jude asked. “It sounds like no answer would have helped.”

Hawk tilted his head, considering. “Maybe that, yes, we’d always be together, no matter what. Because I knew that’s what I would want to hear. And then I could have told him we’d have our own wives and children, but we could live next door to each other and see each other every day. Something like that. But I didn’t say anything else. I was tired from our long day and irritated that he was keeping me awake.”

“You were only eight,” Jude reminded him. “Same as he was. He was confused, but so were you. When I was eight, I wanted to be a Power Puff girl.”

Hawk chuckled. “Which one?”

“Bubbles, of course. She was the coolest.” He could leave it there, but he wanted to give Hawk a little of himself, too. He’d told him things before…Hawk knew he’d been in foster care his entire childhood. But some of the memories were just too painful for Jude to dredge up again. “I had two Power Puff Girls videos that I borrowed from a library and never returned because I’d been taken to a new family in another district. I watched them whenever I could.”

“So, I kept them hidden under my mattress. An older boy in the foster home eventually found them, made fun of me for having girl videos, and stomped on them.”

“I’m sorry,” Hawk said quietly.

Jude shrugged. “It was hard having anything for myself back then. And you would think that now, as an adult on my own, because of that I would have collections of things I like. Instead, I’ve become more of a minimalist. I don’t keep a lot of stuff.”

“Maybe so other people can’t take it away from you,” Hawk said.

Jude thought about that. “Maybe. Finish telling me about Hart. Unless it’s too painful…”

Hawk seemed to be having an inner struggle, and Jude was about to tell him it was okay, he didn’t have to, when Hawk started talking.