Page 88 of Seductive Sadist
Telling Zak to leave after hearing him say he loved me was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Even harder than leaving school to marry a scumbag psychopath to save my family because Zak is who I want to be with more than anything. And to turn him away after everything we’d been through makes my heart ache with the kind of unending pain that numbs a person forever.
Staring at my open suitcase, I take in a few deep breaths and then let them go slowly. It doesn’t help. I never believed in that meditation bullshit anyway. I slap my hands against my legs and stand up. The pile of clothes and shoes and assorted crap on my bedroom floor is still pretty massive, even after I stuffed two suitcases full of things to bring back to school for my last semester.
I bend down to pick up a few hoodies when a soft knock on my door jars me.
“Come in.”
My door opens, and Dad’s head pops inside. “Got a minute?”
I manage a smile and nod at him. “Sure.”
The past three weeks since I said goodbye to Zak forever have been harder than I imagined. Reconciling with my father after learning the truth about his dealings with Nathan Van Dyne, finding out about his prognosis, and dealing with the guilt, regret, and remorse that followed have been emotionally draining. And through it all, I wished Zak was next to me, holding me close, promising me that forever he spouted about when we were together.
I really miss his comfort, as crazy and weird as that sounds. For as beastly as he can be, I still felt safe and secure with him. The times when he looked at me like I was the center of his world are burned into my memory.
It hurts like hell to know he’ll never look at me that way again.
There have been so many times I’ve been tempted to call but stopped myself. I made a choice to walk away, and I need to accept it, even though it feels like my entire world is crumbling down around me.
But I’m prepared to leave all of that behind and to finish the chapter I started when I began my freshman year at Brown. I’m ready to continue chasing my dreams, although that nagging feeling in my gut reminds me that no matter what kind of lies I feed myself, my dreams have shifted.
“How is the packing going?” Dad asks, walking into the room. He turns slightly to look at the clutter covering my floor and every other available space in the room. “Do we need to order more suitcases?”
“Nah, I can fit it all. I’ve become a master packer over the past few years.”
He wrings his hands together. “Skyla, I can’t tell you how sorry I am about everything. I let you all down. You, Mom, Kyl…” His voice cracks. “Laney.”
I hop over the smallest pile and wrap my arms around him. Tears spill from my eyes, quiet sobs shuddering my chest. I squeeze him tight around the neck. “I miss her so much.”
“So do I. Since you told us the truth about what Tyson did, I’ve gone through scenarios in my mind, what might have been if I hadn’t stumbled onto what Van Dyne was really up to and who he was working with. How different our lives would be.” He pulls away and shakes his head, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. “I put Laney in the path of that psychopath. And then I did the same thing to you.”
“You were trying to protect us.” My words are weak because I’m still resentful over what he allowed to happen, the lies he told to protect himself from the Van Dynes.
“I should have been honest with you from the beginning. I made mistakes, and I should have owned up to them instead of buckling over Nathan’s threats. Tyson killed Laney, and he put Kylian in the hospital. He could have done the same thing to you.”
“But he didn’t.” I pull out of my father’s embrace and rub the sides of his arms. “Zak saved me.”
Dad nods. “I’ll be forever grateful for that. After the way I treated him, he put everything on the line and rescued you from a hell I created. And that’s how I know he’s the right one for you.”
I let out a deep sigh and bend over to grab a pair of sneakers. “Yeah, except he’s not. He proved to me a long time ago what was most important to him, and news flash, it wasn’t me.”
“What happened between me and Nathan opened you all up to world of pain. I was careless and ignorant about what I’d gotten myself involved with. Zak took you away from all of that. He called me out on my missteps, and as much as I hated to hear it, he was right. I was concerned about myself, and I let that cloud my judgment. When he took you from that wedding, he gave you a second chance to be free of my mistakes.”
“Just so I could be the victim of his?” I snort and grab a denim jacket from another pile and toss it into the open suitcase. “No, thank you. He’s got his own demons to battle. I don’t want to be part of that.”
“And you think you can avoid how you really feel about him by running back to school in Rhode Island?”
My jaw drops. “I’m not running away!”
“That’s what you did four years ago.”
“No, it’s not. I wanted Brown.”
“You wanted Zak, and when you couldn’t have Zak anymore, you chose Brown.”
“No. Not true. It was always Brown.” But a tiny part of his words ring true. I wanted to go to Brown, but I wanted Zak more. And I even put an application in at the University of Miami, just in case.
He lifts an eyebrow.