Page 31 of I Could Never
“Scottie ripped those pages out?”
“The notebook is bright orange, like his iPad cover. Probably caught his attention. The drawer next to your bed was open, so he must have gone in there. I assume that’s where you kept it. Admittedly, I’d been letting him hang out in your room, but you sometimes do, too. I went to check on him, make sure he wasn’t doing anything bad, and found those pages strewn about.” A vein popped in his neck.
Josh was angry.Why?I should’ve been the angry one.
“Did you read it?”
“I only happened to see what was on the pages he ripped. I didn’t read anything else once I figured out what the hell it was.”
This is bad.Starting to sweat, I asked, “Buthow muchdid you see?”
He stood up from his seat and slowly approached me. With each step he took toward me, I took one back. When we could go no farther, he placed his arms on either side of me, leaning his hands against the wall. And I forgot how to breathe.
Fear. Arousal. Embarrassment.You name it, I was feeling it right now. Every emotion hit me at once.
His breath grazed my face. “How much did I actually see?” He paused. “Enough to know you think I’m an evil pig.”
Ugh. No.Now his anger made sense.
When he backed away, I walked over to the ripped pages on the table and sifted through them.
“It’s the last one, for reference,” he noted.
I read what I’d written the other night.
I’m mortified right now. I was staring at Josh while he was working out, and he caught me. The evil pig called me out on it! But worse, what kind of woman checks out her dead fiancé’s best friend? I must need to get laid in the worst way. It’s not about Josh. I know that. He’s a very attractive man, but it’s not about him. I’m just lonely. And I think it’s suddenly hitting me. But I feel so damn guilty.
I stared down at the paper, unable to look him in the eyes.
“You feel guilty for finding me attractive?”
My first inclination was to deny that I found him attractive, but I’d freaking written it down. There was no way to take it back.
I finally looked up. “Of course, I feel guilty. It’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong about physical attraction. It’s natural and automatic.” He dragged his hand through his hair. “But whatiswrong…is the way I shamed you for looking at me. I was just messing with you.” His eyes seared into mine. “Ilikedthe way you were looking at me, in fact. So I’m a little fucked up, too, see? I also liked calling you out on it and teasing you, so maybe I am a bit of a dick—and a pig, as you say.” He sighed. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. And you’re not the only one who feels guilty lately.” He shook his head. “Most days I feel guilty just for being fucking alive.”
“That’s why you smoked—because you saw what I wrote. It upset you.”
“Maybe,” he said as he returned to his seat. “It made me realize how much of a horrible person you think I am. But I was upset at myself before I even saw what you wrote—because you’ve been acting weird toward me, even if you thought you were pretending nothing was wrong.”
So much for my acting potential.“Despite what I wrote in that journal in the heat of my embarrassment, I don’t think you’re horrible. Nor do I think you’re an evil pig. But youdohave your moments. We both have them lately.” I blew out a long breath, feeling on edge. “If I smoked, I might have one right now, too.” I pulled up a chair and sat across from him. “I’ve been locked inside this house for far too long. Which reminds me, I’m going to make plans to go out one night soon with this woman I met today—for a girls’ night.”
“Look at you, getting a life.” He smirked.
“Trying to.”
He nodded. “I’m happy to watch Scottie while you go out…as soon as I get back.”
“Back?” My eyes widened. “Where are you going?”
“I was gonna tell you when you got home today. I have to go back to Chicago for a couple of days.”
My muscles tightened. “Oh…did something happen?”
“I have to meet with a brand-new client. My job is ninety-percent remote, but occasionally I’m required to go in person. It should only be for a few days. I’ll be back before next weekend. And then you can go out.”
“Okay…well, thanks for letting me know.”