Page 52 of I Could Never
Her question made me sweat.Fuck. She can see right through me.“Why would you ask that? Of course, I am. Do I seem like I’m not?”
“Not really. But I can see how it might be a little awkward for you. Because we live together, you know? First, you’re living with your best friend’s fiancée, and now you’re living with some girl your brother is dating?”
“You’re notsome girl. And if going out with Neil makes you happy, then even if it’s a little awkward, I need to suck it up.”
She chewed on her lip. “Can I be honest about something?” she asked.
“Sure.”
“The Lauren thing...”
I tensed. “What about it?”
“Iwasmiffed about your muff.” She laughed nervously. “What I mean is, it bothered me when she asked you out and when you were out with her last night.” She looked away and hugged her arms. “At first I thought it was because of the conflict of interest—because she’s Scottie’s therapist—but I’m not so sure.” Carly’s eyes met mine. “I think that’s more just what Iwantedto believe.”
“What else would it be?” My question was barely audible. In my gut Iknewthe answer.
“I think I’m...” She hesitated.
My heart raced. “What?”
“I think I’m getting attached to you or something...and confused, maybe?”
Her words mirrored my own feelings, yet I said nothing as she stood there, turning redder by the second.
“Don’t get me wrong, I know that you and I... We could never...you know. Because of Brad. But I think this whole living-together thing... It’s messed with my head a little. And anyone new coming into the mix would shake things up. I guess I was being kind of selfish.” She exhaled. “So I’m sorry.”
Now would’ve been a great time to tell her she wasn’t alone, that I’d been havingallthose same feelings and then some. But admitting the truth still felt like betraying Brad. Say I fessed up to having feelings for her. Then what? I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. So I chose to keep it all to myself. I needed to continue to do that until this living arrangement came to an end—whenever that would be. While Carly and I had an appointment to visit the other group home in town soon, we still had no clue how long getting Scottie a placement would take.
“I understand, Carly. We’ve both been through a lot. We’re still going through a lot.”
She nodded, looking down at her feet. “Sometimes I think you’re the only one who truly knows how I’m feeling—why the past two years have been a blur.”
Her words penetrated my soul, reminding me just how alone I’d felt, until her.
“Have you ever seen a therapist?” I asked.
“No, but I probably should.”
“I’ve considered it,” I admitted.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Not just because of the grief, but because of the guilt.”
She tilted her head. “Guilt about what specifically?”
Many things.“You know I was supposed to go to Tahoe with him that weekend, right?”
Her eyes widened. “No. I didn’t.”
“Yeah. He’d asked me to join him and his work friends on that trip, and I’d even booked a ticket. But I canceled at the last minute because I was up for a promotion at work and found out I needed to put together this presentation to sell myself. I decided going away that weekend was going to be too stressful. I told him I’d go the next time.” I shut my eyes.
“So you think if you’d been with him, maybe the accident wouldn’t have happened…”
“Of course. I’m certain it wouldn’t have. I might have been driving, or one little change in the itinerary could have prevented the whole thing.”
She put her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, Josh. I had no idea. I wasn’t supposed to be with him because it was a guy’s trip. But I’ve certainly had thoughts like, what if Ihadbeen—would he still be here? Or what if I’d asked him not to go? Stuff like that.”