Page 76 of I Could Never

That was probably the right attitude to take, but it didn’t sit well with me. No matter what I told myself, ithadmeant something to me. It meant a lot. Iwished it didn’t.

Still, I played along. “You know what? You’re right. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I guess I’ve just been nervous about what you might say to me this morning. Or what I should say to you.”

“How about we don’t say anything? It happened. We were both horny. We experimented, but we didn’t cross the line. There doesn’t have to be a narrative around it. It was an experience we shared. And it’s over.”

Wow.While there was something very mature about that attitude, it still feltcold. Then I remembered this was Josh Mathers I was dealing with. This kind of thing wasn’t a big deal to him. Sex—or whatever the hell we did or didn’t do—wasn’t a big deal to him. He’d had many partners and many sexual experiences. And we hadn’t actually touched each other, so it was even less significant.

Before we had a chance to discuss it any further, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” he said, seeming eager for the reprieve.

When Josh opened the door, Lauren was standing there, and I had to say, the exchange between them was even more awkward than the one I’d had with Josh this morning. I’d nearly forgotten that she would be coming to work this week after he apparently blew her off after their date. It was the first time they’d scheduled her here since then. Maybe she’d taken time off intentionally. I supposed that made two of us in the house now who’d been blown off by Josh. Or at least that’s how it had felt when he suggested we forget about last night.

Lauren greeted Scottie and took him into his room. Josh and I were once again left alone. It didn’t help that he looked so damn good this morning. His hair was a sexy, tousled mess. And every time I looked at his mouth, I saw the image of him licking the arousal off my fingers after I orgasmed. I had to clench the muscles between my legs to stop myself from getting turned on again. My biggest problem was perhaps that last night hadn’t been enough for me; I needed more, and I doubted it would happen. Not only had Josh been meticulous about not touching me, but his declaration this morning pretty much sealed the deal.

I didn’t think he was going to bring up the subject again, but a little while later he leaned against the counter next to me. “I’m sorry, Carly. Not talking about it is the easiest way out, because I don’t know how to handle it otherwise.”

“I know,” I murmured. “I don’t either.”

“I feel so goddamn guilty, and we didn’t even fuck. I still took things too far with you last night.”

“I feel guilty, too.” That was the truth. I did feel guilty, but I felt a lot of things besides just that. I felt guilt for not feelingmoreguilty. I was developing real feelings for Josh, not just sexual, and I didn’t know what to do about them, especially since I was pretty sure they were one-sided.

“I went on a date while I was out in Chicago,” he announced.

My stomach sank.

“Well, it wasn’t really a date,” he continued. “It was more like a botched hookup. I went to the apartment of this girl I saw off and on before I came to Woodsboro.”

I wanted to throw up. He’d fucked someone right before he came back? Right before he messed around with me?Or messed around with my head.“I don’t want to hear any more,” I told him, feeling nauseous.

“I’m sorry, but I need to get this out,” he insisted.

I nodded reluctantly.

“After I got off the phone with you the other night, I texted Naomi to make plans. I needed a distraction after our conversation. It felt like we were crossing the line.” He exhaled. “But when I got to her place, I had no interest. After a couple of drinks, we kissed. She wanted to go to her room and I just...didn’t want to. I couldn’t fucking stop thinking about you—everything you’d said to me on the phone. And I realized I was using her in an attempt to forget about it all. So I left her apartment. I told myself when I got back to Woodsboro I’d make it clear to you again that nothing could happen between us. But obviously, when I walked in on you…I lost control.” He paused. “Even with the guilt, I don’t regret it. But I’m not gonna let it happen again.”

“I figured you’d feel that way.” I looked down at the ground.

His hand found my chin and brought my eyes up to meet his. “Talk to me. Do you not agree?”

“I don’t know how to feel, Josh,” I said, too dejected to explain myself. There was no point in opening up if he’d ruled out anything more. It would just make me look like a fool.

“If you wereanyoneelse, this wouldn’t be a big deal,” he said. “We could be friends with benefits while we’re here or whatever, right? But you’renotjust anyone. You were the love of Brad’s life. How could I, in good conscience, continue to mess around with you like that? Mess around with your heart? I’ve grown to care about you.” He paused. “I know you think you’re broken and say you don’t want a future with anyone other than Brad, but you’re not the type of girl to mean that—to be okay with just sex. I want you to have it all. I want you to be happy with someone again someday. It just can’t be me. It can never be me.” His eyes glistened. “Having sex with you...would most definitelymeansomething to me. And I have no right to feel any of that. Because I’m not him. If we cross that line, we can’t ever go back. And I don’t want you to have regrets when we leave here.”

The look in his eyes was sincere. He was looking out for me. And maybe he did have feelings for me that were beyond sexual. It just sucked that despite him making a lot of sense, I still felt rejected. I wished I could see things more logically, but I couldn’t.

He pulled on his hair. “Carly, I just...”

“What?”

“I’m so fucked up.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Even aside from you being Brad’s ex, I’m not right for you.” He hesitated. “I’m pretty sure I have major trauma from what happened with my mother. I’ve had trust issues with women because of what she did to my dad. I think that’s part of why I was the way I was, playing the field like that, never letting anyone get close to me.”

I didn’t dare say a word that might stop him from continuing.