Page 77 of I Could Never

“The fact that she left my dad for his brother? That my uncle did that to my father? I never could forgive him. So how the hell could I forgive myself for going aftermybrother’s girl? Because Bradwasmy brother in every way that mattered. I’m telling you this because I need you to understand thatI’mthe issue here, okay? This has nothing to do with you. I feel like a part of you thinks it does.” He shook his head. “You’re fucking amazing, Carly, and the man who gets you someday is going to be one lucky bastard.”

I held out my hand, and he took it. I needed to respect how he felt. I didn’t want to add to his trauma. I was supposed to be here helping in what felt like an impossible situation with Scottie, not creating another impossible situation for Josh.

In that moment, with our fingers intertwined, I vowed to do whatever it took to focus on the task at hand, which was getting Scottie into a home and returning to California unscathed.

CHAPTER 21

CARLY

FOR THE NEXTcouple of weeks, Josh and I seemed to put what had happened that night in my room behind us. Even though I still fantasized about it, I tried to tuck the vivid memory further and further away.

So, things were on stable ground again. We were making progress with Scottie’s situation, too, as we’d finally been able to visit the second group home and found it at least as nice as the first one—maybe nicer. Scottie was now on two waiting lists, which meant the waiting game had officially begun.

The cold winter was in full swing now in New Hampshire. One Tuesday in December, we were expecting our first big snowstorm of the season. We’d run out of pellets for the wood stove that partially heated the house, and everyone in the area seemed to have had the same problem because no store in the vicinity had pellets available. Josh finally found a place out in western Massachusetts that had them, but that was a few hours away.

He set out early, but the snow started earlier than forecasted, and I was terrified about him driving back in it. The last I’d heard from him, he’d successfully loaded the pellets into the trunk and backseat of my car and was heading back to New Hampshire. But that had been several hours ago. He should’ve been home by now.

Then, on top of worrying about whether Josh was okay on the road, my biggest nightmare occurred. We lost power, which meant Scottie had no access to the Internet. He always threw a tantrum when he couldn’t access his streaming sites. Thankfully, I remembered my stash of jar candles. I had proactively placed some matches next to them under the sink. I used the flashlight on my phone as I lit the three of them, placing one in the kitchen and one on either side of the living room.

With no Internet, Scottie began to pace. I tried to call Josh again, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Had he lost his signal or had something bad happened? It was hard not to imagine the worst. After all, Brad had been killed driving home from Lake Tahoe in the snow. His car had skidded into an oncoming truck. I still had PTSD about the way he died and couldn’t get the horrible thoughts out of my mind even on days when I wasn’t triggered. But Josh being out in this snowstorm was my biggest trigger yet.

Scottie was on his way to full-on panic mode, jumping up and down with so much force that the house was shaking.

“Buddy, I’m so sorry. I promise we’ll get power back. I just don’t know when.”

I knew he likely couldn’t understand my explanation. Still, I tried my best to reason with him, just in case.

“Play with your apps. Please? Play with your apps for now. I promise we’ll get the Internet back.” I kept pointing to the icons for the downloaded games on his device. But of course, he had no interest in anything but getting onto the Internet right now.

Tears streamed down my face as he began to kick and scream. I’d never felt so helpless. “I’m sorry, Scottie. I hate this, too.”

I could’ve given him my phone, but it was about to die, and that would’ve only made him mad all over again. Plus, I needed every last bit of battery juice in case Josh tried to reach us. If anything happened to Josh, I wasn’t sure I could survive it.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick with the fatalistic thinking, but the whiteout conditions outside weren’t helping my cause. To make matters worse, Abe and his wife next door weren’t even home. They were in Florida for two weeks. Otherwise, I could’ve at least gone over there with Scottie, so I didn’t have to be alone when he dropped to the ground, kicking and screaming, and I couldn’t get him up. But I was truly on my own. Lorraine wouldn’t want to drive over here in this weather. It wasn’t like she could do all that much to help me, anyway. Scottie was going to continue to go ballistic until the power came back on. All I could do was pray. And I prayed hard. For Josh’s safety. For Scottie’s sanity. Formysanity.

At least one of my prayers was answered when Scottie finally stopped protesting and got interested in one of his apps. He sat down on the couch and started playing with it, as if his tantrum had a magic off button, and I’d somehow hit it.

The house was growing colder by the minute. I grabbed my coat and threw it over my shoulders before taking the blanket Josh slept with and draping it over Scottie. I curled up next to him on the couch and began to pray again for Josh’s safe return. My hands trembled as I tried his phone for what seemed like the umpteenth time.

“Please, God. Bring him home safely,” I whispered.

I wasn’t a religious person and felt like a bit of a fraud asking God for help when I didn’t acknowledge Him on a daily basis. But in times of trouble, I seemed to gravitate toward praying—which must have meant I knew someone up there was listening.

When the door suddenly opened, a rush of adrenaline hit. It was so dark that I couldn’t immediately make out who it was.

“Carly?”

I shot up from the couch. “Josh!” My voice cracked.

He wrapped his arms around me, enveloping my body.

“Oh my God. Are you okay?” he asked.

I broke into tears. “I was so worried about you.”

“Me? I was freaking out aboutyoubeing home alone with Scottie and no electricity. My phone died, but I heard on the radio that half of New Hampshire is out.”

“I was so scared that you’d gotten into an accident.”