Page 44 of Shamelessly Loyal

“A girl might,” I said, letting the smile she provoked out. “However, you’re not a girl. And your self-image isn’t wrapped up in how I see you.”

One of the many facets of Mayhem that I’d begun to truly appreciate over the last few days. She glanced at me over her shoulder as she reached for the shampoo. Slender, gentle curves, gorgeous hips, sweet breasts, and perfect lips…Mayhem was drop-dead gorgeous.

“I’m glad it doesn’t bother you.”

I chuckled, folding my arms and shaking my head. “I like it,” I said.

“You didn’t,” she countered.

Sighing, I ran a hand over my jaw then shook my head. “I like a woman who knows her own value and doesn’t need anyone to validate it. I appreciate it, not entirely used to it, although I am glad you have that strength.”

Pivoting, she faced me. “What aren’t you saying?”

The shoulder shrug wouldn’t do for an answer. This was probably not the road to go down with her. Maybe especially with her.

“My mother wasn’t that strong. When my father left, it destroyed her.” It was hard to look back at her through the lens of adulthood. Mom had failed all of us. Me. Ivy. Herself. “My dad was a piece of shit. He used to deal drugs.”

Surprise flared in her eyes.

“He had his own little enterprise.” That was how I’d met Mickey. Mickey ran for him. Later, Mickey ran for some others. “Mom liked the product too much…when she got pregnant with Ivy, she got clean for a while. But…Dad never wanted another baby.”

The ferocious look in his eye when he told Mom to get rid of “it.” Ivy wasn’t an it. She’d never been disposable. I didn’t give a damnwhathe thought.

“The day he left, he said it was because she was useless and he had no interest in her or Ivy…” The son of a bitch wanted me to go with him. Shaking my head again, I tried to dislodge those old memories. I didn’t tend to focus on him anymore.

After Mom died, I’d done my best to not think about him again. I hadn’t even named him. Ms. Steph and Mickey clearly knew who he was, but they’d kept it to themselves too. Even after Ivy had been adopted, I wanted nothing to do with the cold-hearted son of a bitch.

I found my new family, and they were the ones I was going to stick with.

“Fathers are overrated,” Mayhem said in a considering tone that pulled all of my attention. “Not that I would know. I never met mine and his name isn’t on the birth certificate. Whoever he was, my mother kept him a total secret. My grandfather, though…” Her expression transformed into a soft smile. “He’s amazing.”

“Well, your father is a dumbass if he didn’t want to be in your life.”

“Perhaps,” she told me before tipping her head back into the water. “It might be that he wasn’t given a choice. My mother does what she wants, doesn’t care if she has to ask for forgiveness, but she will never ask for permission.”

That explained some of Mayhem’s ferociousness. But there was a heart in Mayhem, a deep and binding sense of loyalty that tied her to Ivy. A loyalty I respected because it was that loyalty that had bound the Vandals in the first place.

"I don’t suppose I can convince you to tell me what Ivy has told you so far.” I was pretty sure of the answer.

Mayhem didn’t disappoint when she said, “No.” No explanations, no apologies, and no attempt to even persuade me. She squeezed conditioner into her hand, then focused her attention on me. “Nevertheless, I do have some advice, if you want it.”

“Do I want it?” I repeated the phrase, turning it over in my head. I’d have to be dead to not enjoy the view of her washing her hair, then running conditioner through it before she reached for a loofa and began to soap it up. Dead and buried. As it was, I also found the routine soothing. “I’d say I probably don’t want it, but I need it. Ivy and I… we’re still trying to work this out. I see my baby sister and she sees a stranger.”

“She doesn’t see a stranger,” Mayhem told me as she washed her arms. “She sees a man who loves her without reservation and demand. She isn’t totally sure what to do with that.”

I frowned.

“She’s never had a sibling. I have. There’s a sense of acceptance and forgiveness that you have for everything she will ever do, because she is your sister.”

Well, she wasn’t wrong. I also bookmarked the bit about her sibling. Was there an older brother out there that would be coming to look for her?

“But Em? All she sees is the ways she might disappoint you. The fact you sent her away when she first met you… that hurt, Pretty Boy. I know you didn’t intend for it too. Yet, it did hurt her.”

I grimaced. No doubt existed within me that Mayhem knew more about all of this, that Ivy confided in her. While I wanted to demand that she tell me everything, I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

Especially after that last sentence. “I know,” I admitted slowly. “I just…I want her safe.”