Page 36 of Nineteen Eighty
“But I want something more than that.” Elizabeth bowed her head, closing her eyes, before looking up again. “I want to be useful to someone other than myself.”
“You were incredibly useful to Augustus for years! He couldn’t have gotten through that period of his life without you.”
“Yeah, I know. And you’re right… with him, I was useful. But my whole life, I’ve been the one all of you have to look after. The one you felt the need to protect. You’ve shielded me from as much as you could, because I could never shield myself.”
Colleen nodded, slowly, but said nothing.
“I know you’ll have a Council seat coming open soon.”
“You… what?” Colleen laughed. “You saw it. His retirement.”
Elizabeth shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, this time no one’s dying. That’s good, right?”
“I suppose, but…”
“I want it.”
“What?”
“The spot, Leena. I want you to consider me for it.”
Colleen’s focus broke. She pulled herself up straight, watching Lizzy with a curious, sideways look. “You want to be on the Council?”
“That’s what I said.”
“But why? Lizzy, you know this could be triggering for you.”
“Probably will be,” Elizabeth corrected. “That’s okay. It really is.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“Colleen, I’m not going to live as long as the rest of you.”
“Elizabeth, stop!”
The threat of tears pulsed behind Elizabeth’s eyes. “Can we not pretend? When it’s just us? I told you, and only you, because I thought you’d understand and be able to speak rationally about it, when the time came.”
Colleen’s own eyes turned glassy. “I’ll never be able to speak rationally about the loss of my baby sister.”
“Fair enough, but it will happen. It’ll happen before any of us are ready, but it will happen. Before that, I want to… no, I need to live. I need to find some purpose beyond Connor and the kids I’ll have so little time with. I need to know I’ve done as much for my loved ones as they’ve done for me.”
“Protecting you has never been a burden.”
“Hasn’t it, though?”
Colleen looked as if she’d been slapped. “It was better than seeing you suffer. I can’t stand knowing there’s nothing we can do to prevent you from seeing so many horrible things.”
“Well, you can’t. Ophelia was certain of that, and so am I. But you know what’s worse, sometimes? This. The shocked looks when I suggest doing something that might, God forbid, trigger my ability. The wheels I can see churning inside your head, looking for yet another way to keep me safe.” Elizabeth glanced at her iced tea, untouched, the condensation gathering in a thick layer on the glass. “I don’t think it ever occurred to any of you that keeping me safe might involve letting me in.”
“And if you’re wrong? And it makes you worse?”
“I’ve seen my death, Colleen. It’s not tomorrow.”
“That’s not funny.”
“Did you know I’m twenty-two now?”
“Yes, Lizzy, I know you—”