Page 17 of Paying The Vampire
I had witnessed them all, but even time would take me too in the end. It mocked me by giving me this vision of eternal life, and it only served to show me how hollow life really is. There is meaning when a life is short, because there is a sense of urgency, of momentum. People know they cannot fit everything in, so they rush and flit about like manic fireflies, eager to enjoy as much as possible. They do not end up with everything, but nor do they end up with nothing. They may not realize it, but their lives are as full as possible. This curse that I have been afflicted with, this gift that was given to me without my consent has condemned me to a life where there is no urgency. There is nothing I have to miss out on, nothing that I need fear of never accomplishing. I can see all, I can read every book, play every song, and eat every meal. I can watch a world die, and yet even with that I still feel empty.
Where is she?
I was about to head back into the castle to summon her when she emerged. There was something different about her, although I could not put my finger on it. She stepped out into the courtyard. I gave the gargoyles a warning glance, urging them to be quiet. They did not say anything.
“I know that this view is not anything to boast about, but I thought you would like to see the world from this vantage point,” I said, holding out my hand and guiding her to the edge of the castle. Below us the mountain descended, its drop sheer, disappearing into the mist below. I did not look down, for I knew what would stare back at me. She put her hands against the wall and leaned over, gazing into the distance.
“There’s a strange beauty to it,” she said. Her words were halting, her breath uneven. Had she found something in her books that had proven enlightening?
“How was your reading?”
She responded without turning to look at me. “Slow going. The people who wrote those books needed a good idea. It’s hardly light reading,” she laughed a little, but there was no humor behind the sound. It was almost as though she needed to put on a show for me. “Some of the books are promising though. It’s just going to take time to get on with them.”
There was that word again. “Here you have all the time in the world,” I said. I then stepped closer to her and I noticed an imperceptible movement, the slight stiffening of her back, the tightening of her hands against the stone, the flare of her nostrils.
It was I who scared her. I drew back, narrowing my eyes. What had changed?
“Once this world was fertile and lush. Over there was a lake of the deepest blue, and it was always teeming with fish. They were harmless though. People used to sit there with their feet dangling over the edge. The fish would come up and nibble away all the dead, dry skin. Apparently it used to tickle, although I never engaged in the practice myself. I did like to swim there though. The water was the perfect temperature, and the grass beside it was soft. We used to sit there and share memories and moments and songs.”
“We, as in you and the other vampires?”
I nodded.
“You must miss them a lot.”
My throat tightened. “I do. I wish things could have been different. This world would be a far different place if they were still here.”
“Would I still be safe even if there were other vampires around? I can’t imagine they would want to put up with one of my kind?”
“I would see to it that you were protected,” my voice was steel, not willing to entertain the idea that I would ever see any harm come to her. Did she doubt that? Was that why she was afraid?
“It must have been so terrible to watch them all die. How did you survive?”
I bared my teeth and turned away from her. She was asking too many questions, questions about things that I did not wish to talk about and that did not concern her. “Come and eat. I have fashioned a feast for you, one that I hope you will like,” I walked towards the table. Willow waited a few moments before she followed me.
“I understand why you don’t want to talk about it. It must be hard for you to remember. In fact it must be hard for you to talk about a lot of things that you’ve been through given how you’ve been through so much of it. You’ve been through so many lives I can’t comprehend how much you have lost.”
I bowed my head as she put some food on a plate. “It has been hard. Sometimes I think the mind is not large enough to carry it all with us, or perhaps it’s the heart that is too small, if a vampire can be said to have a heart. But we carry it all the same. We have no choice. I do wish that some things could fade from memory, but it is all sharp and in focus.”
“Is that part of the reason why you want a companion? Someone to share the burden of melancholy?”
The corners of my mouth twitched into a smile. “It’s more that I want someone to help me to forget. I want to look at the world with new eyes again, to remember what it is to be young, before I was touched by death. In this world death has touched everything, but not you. You are brimming with life, with strength. You glow with the glory of youth and it is magnificent. It is something that I forgot a long time ago.”
“And did Clea not help you look through these eyes?”
There was something about the way she framed the question. She was walking around the table, picking up pieces of food nonchalantly, but it felt like a charade. It was another question, another sharp question that stabbed like a dagger, seeking the truth. But what truth.
Tell her, the gargoyles whispered in my mind.
“No,” I hissed. It was such a strident sound that Willow could not help but react instinctively, and I saw the fear in her eyes. She paused for a moment, her hand hovering over the plate of dried biscuits. Even though she had the nutritional potion I still wanted her to be able to enjoy a feast. I wanted to show her that I could give her everything she could possibly want, and I had used up the last of some stores in order to provide this meal.
I gathered my composure as I turned away from the gargoyles. “I do not wish to speak about Clea. You are here. You are my companion and you are all that matters to me. You are the brightest star in the sky Willow, and there is nothing that I would not do for you while you are here.”
I leveled my gaze at her and she looked back at me. Her lips parted slightly and I thought she was about to ask a question, but if one was on her mind then she did not utter it. She bowed her head and placed the plate on the table. She walked towards me, striding with purpose, apparently able to swallow her fear. She stood directly in front of me and the air was alive with her fragrance, such a sweet scent it took me back to a time when my heart was brimming with love, when I was foolish enough to think that if I just wrote the right tune then a heart would be given to me, before I realized that the only thing women cared about was cold, hard coin.
“Then I will not ask about her Cassius. I just thought that if I knew what she had done to displease you then it would make sure that I would not make the same mistake. The last thing I wish to do is offend you,” she said in soft, saccharine words.
“She did not do anything to displease me. She simply grew tired of this place and did not fit in here. She was not as determined as you,” I said, hoping that she would not pick up on the lie. There was more to the story, but wasn’t there always? It wasn’t as though Willow needed to know the complete truth. She only needed to know the version that mattered.