Page 30 of Paying The Vampire

“Vampires cannot have children, at least not in the traditional way. Life cannot spring from lifelessness. The only children we can have are ones we make, which is why Amara was my Mother. Perhaps in these dusty old books there is a secret somewhere that could make it different, but I have never known it to be the case. We have never been able to leave a legacy of blood behind. I had many wives who were puzzled that we were not blessed with a child. Some of them blamed themselves and fell into a ruined mind. I wish I had been able to tell them the truth… and perhaps that is something you want to think about Willow.”

I had never really spent much time thinking about children. I could tell he was scared of my answer, perhaps thinking that there was still a chance of me leaving. He may not have been able to provide me with exactly everything, but I knew that my chances of happiness were better with Cassius than they were anywhere else. “I’m not sure I’d want to bring a child into this world when I don’t even know myself properly. I’m not looking to be a mother Cassius. For once I just want to be able to be me, and I want to enjoy life as myself. I have known enough misery in my time on earth and perhaps it is selfish of me, but I just want to have some time where I can enjoy myself.”

“It is not selfish at all Willow. It is good to want time to yourself,” he smiled at me, and I suspected there was a deeper meaning to his words. He might have been afraid that one day I would turn around and tell him that I wanted children. I could not see that happening though. I wanted to be happy here. He held my gaze and the tension rose between us again.

“That leaves you to respond to the sentiment I expressed Willow; do you really want to wait until you bring out the wolf?” he asked.

I wish I could have ignored the nerves that swelled inside me, but it was difficult to do. I blinked. His hand was still hovering beside me, his fingers nestled against my temple.

“I’m not sure,” my words came out in a trembling breath.

“Perhaps I can try…” his words were lost in what was to come. He leaned forward and I did not move. I closed my eyes and his lips were upon mine. It was our first proper kiss. The one I had given him before had been poisoned, but this one was pure and it filled me with delight. His hand reached around the back of my head, hair spilling over his fingers, while a small grunting sound emerged from his throat. Heat scorched my lips and my breath was stolen from me. The intensity of the sensation was unlike anything else, and I was left reeling, glad I was sitting down because all the strength was taken from my body. I wanted to slump and melt against him, to become a puddle on the floor and seep away into some new form. His other hand rested against my waist and the nerves were burned away by his touch. Feeling the way he felt about me was different to hearing him tell me. Every part of him was alive with desire, and so was I. A fire was being stoked within me. The flames licked and burned within and it was almost too much to bear. I broke to catch my breath and pressed my forehead against him. A smile twitched upon my lips. I was almost unsure of how to feel, of how to process these sensations, but I knew it felt right. I knew I wanted to be with him I just… I wanted to give myself to him fully. I wanted to be with him completely without a shred of doubt or nerves, and I just wasn’t there yet.

So when he asked me back to his chamber I said no. I hated denying him this because deep down I really did want it, but there was something holding me back. I just hoped that it would not hold me back forever.

He was gentle and caring as always. He did not make me feel bad for pulling away, and perhaps it was enough for him to have a passionate kiss like this. I staggered to my chambers and sank on the bed. I fought my way out of my clothes because my body was hot and my heart hammered within my chest. I groaned as I wrapped the blankets around me and braced myself against the thrum of desire that throbbed within me. There was a deep ache that I knew only one thing could calm, but I was not ready, but when was I going to be ready? I hated how skittish and nervous I was. I tried to think about the woman I had become with Cassius, how poised and elegant I was, but this was a whole other matter entirely. This was stripping away every part of me and leaving nothing behind. It was the kind of thing that I was never going to forget and I just wasn’t ready yet.

But I wanted to be.

And I prayed that Cassius would be patient with me.

Chapter Twenty Three

Cassius

Willow was still holding something back. We had long conversations as we pored over the old tomes and we got to know each other well. Sometimes it was easy for me to forget that she had only lived a handful of years. Feelings and sensations were still unknown to her, and she let them get the better of her. It was something that even I had not always learned to do despite having lived many lifetimes. I wanted her to know that I would be patient with her. I knew that whatever she promised would be worth the wait, but still my body burned with desire. It was awoken every time I kissed her, every time I sat beside her, and I wanted her more than anything.

But I knew I could not rush her, because then I risked pushing her away.

I needed her to feel comfortable and safe. I needed her to feel as though she was happy here, and I did want her to be all of these things. I wanted to care for her and show her that this was something to be enjoyed. I could feel the passion when she kissed me. I knew there was something inside her that yearned for this, but she was still trapped. She was like I had been before I had become a vampire, and the thought occurred to me that she needed to be something else… but I never would have done that to her.

I had to calm myself and remain patient. I had the gift of years, and Willow had already said there was nowhere else she would rather be. She did not seem perturbed by what a life with me would be like, although I was well aware that might change in the future. I wasn’t trying to think of the future though. I only wanted to think about the two of us in the castle, the kingdom we had at our disposal, and all the joy and glory that we could create together.

We shared many secrets and we shared more kisses. Our research sometimes was delayed as we sank into each other’s bodies. I felt the soft warmth of her curves and I let myself fall into the willing, ardent fury of her desire, but always she pulled away. Always she stood upon the precipice and would not plunge down.

“I’m sorry Cassius,” she whispered.

I continued to reassure her and told her that there was nothing to be afraid of. I said that it would only take time, but the longer this went on the more concerned I became. It was as though there was a part of her that could not be free, and I was unsure how to best handle this. I thought at one point it might be best if I tried to force it out, but I could not bring myself to treat her in this way. All the time I had spent with other women had not prepared me for Willow because she was unlike anyone I had ever known before. I wanted her to be different. I wanted to be a true husband to her, even if we could not be married in the traditional sense. So I was patient and I waited. I took my kisses when I could get them and I held her close to me in the depths of night, waiting for the moment when she would offer herself to me. Vampires had taken too many things without warning over the years, and I wanted to break the tradition. I was going to wait for an invitation, and even if I had to wait for another lifetime or another thousand lifetimes I did not care because Willow was a kind soul and I enjoyed every moment we spent together.

While she slept I continued researching the tomes, wanting to find what she wanted so we could put an end to this. I was sure that such an artefact existed, although I did not know where. There were few things that had escaped the attention of the vampires.

Then, in one small hour of the night I was turning pages, my gaze scanning them mindlessly, my thoughts elsewhere. I turned one page and then caught myself. I pulled the page back and I saw something that had to be what she wanted. It was a crescent amulet, the shape of the moon. I read the entry and froze. I had finally done it. I had found it.

And then I paused.

What if this changed her?

My hands trembled. I had waited so long to find Willow, and I could not face losing her. I hated myself for thinking this, but I also could not shake the small sliver of doubt that this could have been a trick. Was she holding her physical affection back because she knew that she was going to leave as soon as we found the trick to making her a wolf?

I pinched the top of the page. An errant thought ran through my mind; if I ripped the page out then she would never know and she would always remain here because she would never find a solution to her problem. I closed my eyes and bowed my head in shame. If I did that then I would be no better than Amara. I released the page from my grip. I could not be that selfish. Instead, I carried the tome to her chamber and knocked on the door loudly. I cried out her name. She flung the door open.

She was wearing her nightdress. It was a long garment that flowed down her body and took the shape of her curves. Her hair was loose and messy, the long strands reaching down past her shoulders, her slender neck on display. She looked at me with eyes that were still dusted by sleep.

“Cassius…” she uttered, and then her gaze fell to the book that I was holding.

“I’ve found it Willow. I’ve found what you’ve been looking for,” I opened the page and her eyes went wide. She took the book from my hands and looked at it more closely.

“The Amulet of the Waking Moon,” she said.