Page 67 of Leave Me Broken

“Marzia and I slept together twice. On the beach that morning we met and once the night before I left to head back home. That second time I saw Luca?” She nods. “That was when I was doing the walk of shame from his sister’s room. We greeted each other but his English wasn’t so well back then so it was mostly just staring. Anyway, Marzia found out she was pregnant after I was gone and since we didn’t keep in contact, she had no way of telling me.” I pause. “She could have, she chose not to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told her where I was going to school, if she wanted to tell me—she could have. We weren’t serious and she knew my plans for volleyball and thought it would have inconvenienced my life to tell me I had a child walking around this earth with no father. As if children are some kind of inconvenience.” My blood boils any time I think about that. Most of the time, I don’t, I just remember how blessed I am to have Parker now and have a relationship with him for the past twelve years. But I’ll never be able to get those years back and that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

“I get it,” Payson mutters, her voice like a blanket right off the line in summer. “She didn’t give you the option to say if having a son would inconvenience you or not.”

“It wouldn’t have.”

“I know.” I thread our fingers together and stare at how much smaller hers are than mine. It’s a good thing she’s not a Hitter because her hands are tiny. “I see how you are with him, Ash. You love him. I think that’s why I got over you having a son quicker than I expected. It was a big deal, especially since you lied”—her eyes flick to mine—“but I could tell how our situations differed. Parker loves you just as much, even missing those first years.”

My parents have said the same but coming from someone like Payson with every reason to be spiteful toward the situation but still be able to see it so clearly, causes a lump to form in my throat.

“I want to clarify this before I continue. At the time you asked, I did not consider myself a dad. I know you probably will not understand because while, yes, I fathered a son, I did not raise him. I don’t consider that a dad. I might be now, but that’s a big might because Parker is almost seventeen. He hardly needs raising. I would not consider your father a dad, and I won’t consider myself one.

“I know it feels like I lied, I guess technically I did but I was ashamed. It’s an excuse, I’m aware, but I grew up with a brilliant father. He was at every game, he taught me to ride my bike, to shave. I have always considered my dad a best friend and when I was around Parker, despite loving him more than life—it was awkward. Not best friends, hardly friends at all. He didn’t know me and I didn’t know him, but I tried so hard to be my dad with someone who didn’t know how to accept it because I wasn’t around enough for him to accept my role as his dad.”

Payson stretches forward, cups my face and kisses the cheek closest to her. My skin warms under her full lips. “You might not feel like a dad. But being there as much as you could is more than a lot of real dads can say. You are a dad, baby.” Baby. I fucking love when she calls me baby.

I close my eyes and sigh, having her lips brushing over my skin feels bloody good. “She was never going to tell me. I only found out because Luca was FaceTiming his other sister, Bella, one day and I caught a glimpse of a little boy who looked exactly like me as a child minus the gray eyes. Bella didn’t deny it, but she wasn’t aware I didn’t know he existed. Marzia had told her I didn’t want to be involved. Luca was completely unaware Parker was mine at all, but he saw how upset I was at the news. I’m fairly sure that’s the only reason he didn’t punch me for sleeping with his sister.

“I lost my virginity and conceived a child on the same day.”

22

Payson

When I found out Ash lied about having a son—I figured it was for selfish reasons. He knew about my issues with the “dads” in my life and didn’t want me discovering he was just like them. Or he just didn’t want me to know he had a son because he didn’t consider us serious.

Now I’m lying here minutes after he asked me to marry him—I’ll come back to that one—listening to him talk about how the woman who fell pregnant with his baby after his first time having sex kept his child a secret from him and then died. Obviously dying isn’t her fault, I’m not completely insensitive.

“How did she die?”

“She battled cancer as a kid. It came back when Parker was three and she died a year later.”

“That’s so sad.” My heart aches for Parker. Even Ash. He never got his closure. I know he says there was nothing between them, and even if that’s true, she is the mom of his son. He gave his virginity to her. There is a bond there. He obviously has hard feelings toward her for keeping Parker a secret, he’s never gotten to deal with those and still blames himself for not being in Parker’s life.

“Parker was so young he hardly remembers her, but Luca and the rest of his mom’s family do their best to tell him stories.” His eyes are closed, and he looks peaceful despite the hard story.

I’m always needy for Ash Pearson but right now, when he’s being vulnerable for once, has me itching to crawl into his body. Not on top—but inside. I want to burrow into his body and never leave so he knows I’m always there. That’s impossible, obviously, so I just crawl on top, with my hands in his hair and my head resting on the pillow next to his so I’m able to still kiss him when I want. He wraps his arms around my naked lower half and squeezes my ass. The thing about Ash is no matter the conversation, he’s going to always let me know sex is on his mind. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for listening. I know finding out the way you did about Parker was a shock. That’s not how I planned to tell you.”

“You were planning on telling me?”

His throat makes a little noise in my ear, almost like a scoff. “I plan to spend my life with you, Payson. I think you would have found out I have a son at some point. He wasn’t meant to move to town until after the season, I thought I had time to drop the bomb, but he decided to move early.”

I mutter something about him being a smart ass and he spanks me. I do my best not to focus on the dampness between my legs, but I can’t help if spanking makes me wet. He knows it does, so it must be what he wants.

“But, yes, I planned on making you a nice dinner and end the night having dessert in my room.” He pumps his bushy eyebrows twice.

“You were planning on breaking the news of you having a son while you took my virginity?”

“I made him losing mine, so.” He shrugs and I burst out laughing.

“I don’t want to hear about you losing your virginity.”

His stomach shakes when he chuckles. “Does it help if I tell you she didn’t come?”