Page 10 of Blackout

‘Come on, let’s go inside.’

That was when I heard the sounds of what could only be a good time coming from what was most likely Zach’s backyard. From where I stood, all of sudden, all the cars and why people were here made sense. The laughter, the music, the occasional squeal. I had blindly followed Zach without a clue as to where we were going or what I was getting myself into.

Zach took a step towards his house, and while my arm had gone with him, my feet stayed planted, unable to move. My hand fell from his grasp to my side, and he turned to face me. While I wanted to go inside, I couldn’t control my hesitation. My nerves had got the better of me, and that was never a good thing.

Zach’s eyes pierced me, and I swallowed at the intensity of his gaze. He knew what I was about to say, and he patiently waited for me to speak.

‘A party?’

He didn’t answer, so I began to ramble. ‘I’m not cut out for a party. I’m in last night’s clothes, and they smell. I need a change of clothes and maybe a couple of shots of bourbon before I can even contemplate joining in with any festivities.’

By the time I’d finished I was breathless and a little dizzy. I wondered if I could do this in the state I had driven myself into and still walk into a party beside Zach. Right now was not the moment to be apprehensive or spiral out of control and shut down. I needed to pull it together or I would fall quickly through the looking glass and crumble into a heap on the ground in the foetal position.

Zach stepped closer to me, and I leaned back against the bull bar of his truck. For the second time today, his body was so close to mine. I didn’t want to tense, but I did, and the word ‘relax’ rolled from Zach’s lips and landed in my ear.

‘You need to breathe for me. It’s okay.’ He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, and I copied his action automatically.

I cursed myself for the things my body did in his presence. I couldn’t stop the heat that flushed from my face right down to my belly. But thinking how close Zach’s body was to mine halted my battling thoughts and pulled me back from the edge of the looking glass. My galloping heart began to slow and stopped me falling off the edge.

Zach took my hand, and this time I followed, somehow a little more at ease. We entered the front door and headed through the lounge room, then passed his kitchen table towards his bedroom. Once inside, he closed the door. I guess he didn’t want to be interrupted, and my body flushed with heat again.

The master bedroom was spacious and luxurious with a king bed and dark grey décor that suited this man dressed in all black. What I could see as I followed Zach through his house was the perfect bachelor pad. But was his life as perfect as it appeared to be? Or was he just like me, searching for what was missing?

I dragged myself away from my thoughts and watched as Zach approached his bed. There was something familiar about the bag in front of him.

‘You brought my clothes here?’ I was a little confused how my bag ended up here.

‘You were pretty quiet last night at the bar, and I’m curious about you. I thought we could spend some time together,’ he said as if it answered my question, then he turned towards his walk-in robe to search for his own clothes to wear.

He wanted to spend time with me. Did he want to get to know me? Did Zach have his suspicions the same as I did, that maybe he knew who I was, and like me, just didn’t know how to bring up that conversation?

I sensed he could see that fifteen-year-old girl who wore pigtail braids and glasses every day that he’d lived next door to and had gone to the same high school with. Even though he was a couple of years older.

But Zach’s demeanour neither confirmed nor denied a potential shared past, and his locked-down expression frustrated me. I wanted to know what went on inside his head, and I wanted him to be open with me. But I only kidded myself, nothing was that easy. If I wanted Zach to confide in me then I would have to reciprocate. We didn’t have the kind of relationship where information passed easily between us. But if Zach wanted to spend time with me to get to know me, then I wanted to spend time with him to get to know him.

He had showered and changed from his all-black attire into dark blue jeans and a dark grey tee, while I had continued to stare at my bag of clothes. I was lost in childhood memories from a lifetime ago when my family was still whole. So much had happened in my absence from this town that I hadn’t thought about any of it in a long time.

I looked up at Zach as he stood in front of me. The man looked good and smelled divine. His T-shirt was moulded to his muscled arms but didn’t show off any more of his tattoo. I wanted to pout at not being able to see more of it, but Zach was ready to go and join the festivities, and I hadn’t even changed yet.

Reaching into my bag, I grabbed the dark blue pair of jeans I’d packed, a fresh singlet and underwear. Then I pulled out my favourite Converse jumper, and the last thing out was my toiletry bag.

I kicked off my boots and peeled out of my socks. Zach didn’t move from in front of me as I left my things on the floor. Although I was comfortable with how close he was to me, I wasn’t at the stage where I was comfortable being naked with him. I hugged my clothes to my chest and picked up my toiletry bag then walked past him and headed towards his bathroom, closing the door behind me. If he wanted to see my nakedness, then he would have to wait until I was ready to share it.

I peeled off last night’s clothes and left them in a pile on the bathroom floor. I would worry about them another time. Quickly changing into fresh underwear and pulling my singlet over my head, I stared at myself in the mirror. The shower at the hotel had done nothing for my panda eyes. I washed my face and used make-up remover for my eyes. I reapplied my moisturiser and took a second look in the mirror. I was almost myself again. My naked face would have to suffice against the unknown. Reaching into my toiletry bag for my deodorant and perfume, I sprayed both on my body and no longer could I smell smoke and alcohol.

I tugged on my jeans and took one last look at myself in the mirror, almost glimpsing a slither of the new me as the old me began to crumble. When I slid the bathroom door open, I found Zach had sat down on his bed to pull on socks and boots. As I moved closer to the bed, his eyes roamed my body and his lips turned into a grin at what he could see. Not once did he creep me out. I left my jumper on the bed, shook out the soft waves of my now-dry hair and fumbled in my bag for clean socks to cover my feet before I sat down to shove them back into my boots. Only when I was ready did I allow my eyes to land on Zach.

‘You look incredible,’ Zach whispered as we stood up together. I thought the same thing, but was too shy to voice words like that, so I simply gave him a half-smile at his kind words. ‘Come on, babe. I’ll show you around.’

And for the second time today, Zach had called me babe. He hadn’t called me Harley, and I tried not to think of the reason why he hadn’t said my name. I wanted to relax, enjoy myself and try to be as free-spirited as Addison. I didn’t want thoughts of how good Zach looked or memories from when I lived here floating inside my brain. But they rattled around regardless and wouldn’t let go.

Four

I searched for the courage I had constantly struggled to find but that my sister always radiated in spades. Following in Zach’s wake as he left his bedroom, I snapped out of the place that had me deep in thought. Zach led me through his house, past his lounge and kitchen, but what I saw was only half of his home. I guess I would see the other half of his home another time. We stepped through the open glass doors in his kitchen onto the biggest veranda I had ever seen to find people who had gathered around Zach’s backyard waiting for him to arrive.

The veranda ran the length of the back of the house to a pool at one end and a barbeque entertainment area at the other. All Zach had to do was step out of the shadow of his eaves and into the sunlight of the afternoon for everyone to know he was here.

People from all around his backyard swarmed towards him and with my hand in his he greeted his guests. I tried to remember when he’d taken hold of my hand again, but everyone that greeted Zach greeted me too. I felt my head spin. This was a lot to take in. Zach knew so many people. It must be nice to have that many friends.