Page 9 of Blackout

I was not ready for that conversation. I was still too vulnerable to ask questions that required me to give up information about myself. I had hidden myself behind working long hours at the bakery until I was exhausted. I had put on a brave face at fifteen years old and every day since when anyone asked me how I was, even though life as I knew it had crumbled around me. I had found a way to cope, and I’d never questioned if there was another way. Until now.

Zach turned the key and there was a soothing rumble, taking me away from thoughts about the past that had been ripped away from me and bringing me back to the present.

I was about to leave Black’s Bar and Grill with this complete stranger, but deep down inside it didn’t really feel that way. I watched the side profile of Zach’s face as he manoeuvred his massive truck with ease. He made a right and a couple of left turns before he hit the speed limit. I turned my attention away from him and fumbled for my phone when I realised we were headed away from the main street of town.

The truck ride to our destination was silent, mostly because I spent it on my phone, reading the text messages I had received. Numerous messages and missed calls had blown up my phone. Mum, Addison and even Grandma James had all called a couple of times, and when I hadn’t answered, they had texted me hoping I would reply.

There was only one voicemail message. ‘Great,’ I told myself. The only person who would leave me a message was Grandpa James. He didn’t own a mobile phone, opting to use the landline from his house or the bakery. I held my phone to my ear and listened to what Grandpa had to say. His tone was irate as he demanded I return his call immediately.

I had never disappeared before. I was always reliable and had done exactly what had been asked of me, and everyone had always known exactly where to find me: at work. Were they concerned for my whereabouts or just worried I hadn’t shown up for my shift at the bakery? I responded to everyone at the same time and set up a group text message thread to reply to Mia, my mother; Addison, my sister; and Grandma James who could pass on my message to Grandpa. I didn’t doubt that Addison had dobbed me in and informed the rest of my family that I was MIA. I didn’t know what to think of my sister anymore. All I knew was that she had been keeping tabs on me and hanging around the bakery more often since she had dared me to sing with her a month ago.

I typed out the message to inform everyone that I was, in fact, still very much alive and well and I would be on leave for the foreseeable future. Right now seemed like a perfect time for a much-needed break that most would call a holiday.

I knew my sister thought she could take the family business right out from underneath me. Even though she didn’t have the same experience as I did and had never shown any interest in it before. Well, if she really wanted my job, she could deal with my absence and find out the hard way that I didn’t spend all day in the office doing book work. I spent most of my days in the factory baking and making sure each of our shop outlets had plenty of bread and pastries to sell.

Would the bakery run smoothly without me? I got caught up wondering. It wasn’t my usual style to go off the grid, and at some stage, I would need to resurface and face my family and the consequence of blowing off steam. But right now, I needed to process that today wasn’t another Groundhog Day. While my fifteen-year-old self had had no idea her life was about to be turned upside down, it had taken me ten years to make my way back here. I could easily use the excuse that I had been stuck in Groundhog Day with an absent mother and strict grandparents for how the last ten years had turned out. But working was my coping mechanism. Where would I be now without it? How would life have turned out if I was less like me and more of a free spirit like Addison?

I had sworn I would never come back here, but last night I had driven straight into town. Right past where my life had spun out of control and smashed into pieces. But I wasn’t the same girl who’d left here all those years ago, looking forward to returning home after the school holidays. I was older now and had taken a chance on myself when I put Melbourne in my rear-view mirror last night. I now needed a quiet place to think and some time on my own to sort out what I would do with my life. It was time for a change, and to do that I needed to reacquaint myself and make peace with this little country town.

The truck had slowed, and I sensed we had almost reached our destination. The tyres rolled off the end of the bitumen and onto dirt. I snapped my head up, wanting to know where I was. But I didn’t know. In my ten-year absence, I was confident that even when I had lived here, I’d not been this far from the main street.

Before I tore my attention away from what I could see out the truck windows, I apologised. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said into the silence, still looking out the windscreen. ‘I’ve just done to you what you did to me back in the hotel room, focusing on my phone too much.’ With my eyes back on my phone, I continued just above a whisper, ‘Guess my MIA status doesn’t impress my family. I’m sorry, Zach.’ I knew he had heard me when he placed his hand on top of mine.

His warm hand was so large it covered both my phone and my hand. He said, ‘It won’t work here, there’s no reception.’ Then he gently took my phone and keys from me and placed them into the centre console.

I wondered if Zach’s comment was true about the reception out here being shit. Then again, maybe Zach didn’t want me to worry about my family if I carried my phone around for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

‘You won’t need these here.’

I looked up at Zach and wondered where we were.

I thought I knew this town like the back of my hand ten years ago, so could it have changed that much? I continued to wonder as I turned to look out all the truck windows. I saw a homestead, a large garage and cars lined up like a supermarket carpark in a paddock adjacent to the house. Surely Zach didn’t live with that many people? When I got out of his truck, what would I walk into on the other side of his front door?

When I couldn’t contain my curiosity, I had to say, ‘That’s a lot of cars. Do you own all those or live with that many people?’

‘I don’t own all those cars.’

‘You live with this many people?’ It seemed like a silly question to ask, but I guess it was possible to live with a dozen people. The house looked big enough.

‘They’re people I know, but they don’t live here.’

‘You live here alone?’ I wasn’t looking out the windscreen anymore, I was looking straight at Zach. Gobsmacked at how peaceful and serene it was here, then I mused at how amazing the rest of the house including the backyard would be.

‘Yes, babe, this is my house.’ I was stunned by the view and by his words. He’d called me babe. It also felt like he knew how to make me come a little undone when his brown eyes rested on my green ones.

But what would I know. I was halfway into a brand-new day, though it definitely wasn’t long enough to know with any kind of certainty how I should feel about anything and anyone in my life. I had avoided dealing with my thoughts and emotions for the longest time, but I knew I would have to deal with them sooner or later. I just didn’t want that time to be this afternoon.

The house, his house, was beautiful. The front was wrapped in a veranda and two big bay windows faced us. It was modern and tucked away somewhere on the outskirts of town. Something I would like to have myself someday, a house just like this.

‘Do you have neighbours?’ There was too much curiosity to contain the questions.

‘Just one.’ Zach held up his finger. ‘About half a kilometre that way.’ He pointed in the direction of where the house was located. ‘But I’ve never seen anyone there.’

‘It’s so beautiful out here.’

‘What’s beautiful is that it’s quiet at the end of a long day or when I’ve worked all night.’

I nodded my head, but didn’t say anything. This man worked long hours but still found time to have a life away from work. Something I wish I knew how to do. Maybe one day.