Page 15 of Blackout

I wondered what the hell Shea was up to. Then she started to play the guitar and all the ladies that had come tonight joined in to sing The McClymont’s song ‘Kick it Up’. I was glad I knew this song, and before I put too much thought into it, I sang right along with everyone else.

Shea gave up the guitar at the end of her song. Brock was happy to have his beloved guitar back. To my surprise, after everyone had relaxed into the warmth of the fire and the music that was being played, I saw Zach had reached around behind him to pick up a guitar.

‘You play?’ I asked once he had made himself comfortable with the guitar on his knee.

With only a nod of Zach’s head, he started to strum.

There was too much curiosity inside me now. I needed to know, so I asked, ‘Don’t tell me you sing too?’

There were no words from Zach and there was no containing his grin on his way-too-handsome face.

Oh my, was there anything he couldn’t do? Next he would insist we should sing a duet.

Zach strummed his guitar into the silence of the night. He was only a few chords into the song he’d chosen to play, and before he’d even sung the first line, I recognised the song as ‘Working Class Man’ by Jimmy Barnes.

The words out of Zach’s mouth were perfect. He really knew how to work a crowd. I soaked in everything around me. I was overwhelmed but amazed at how easy it was for everyone to relax, sit by the fire and sing without any worry. I wished it were that easy for me, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want to feel the emotions in the music I heard or the lyrics I would sing, and then fall apart when it got to be too much. That was why over the last ten years I had never sung more than one song at a time. But last night and today, when the music surrounded me, it felt good to sing along. In the past it had been easier to shut the emotion of music out of my life. The same as I had shut out the night my life had changed.

But I couldn’t do that tonight. I couldn’t shut out the music. I had to tell myself I would be okay. That I could sing and nothing bad would happen. That nothing would spin out of control tonight.

Zach looked at me, taking in my body language. I tried to cover my awkwardness by singing along, I’m not sure if it convinced Zach, but he continued with the song. Of course, everyone here helped as they sang right along with Zach.

My face was impassive, and my body felt numb. Not only could Zach sing, but his voice was like velvet, the perfect mix of smooth and husky. The words Zach sang surrounded me and made me shiver from the inside out. He just sang the words, and he didn’t even know how much I loved this song.

In my mind, there was no one else around, and it was just me that Zach sang to, and only me. I opened my mouth to sing right along with him, and in my daydream, we sang in perfect harmony. But I heard the other voices around me and remembered where I was. I sang the words along with everyone else, and Zach held my stare as I sang with him. Did he really think I wouldn’t join in and sing like everyone else?

I reached down for my bourbon and took a sip, and as the song ended, I heard someone say, ‘What song would you like to hear, Harley?’ It was Brock who had asked me this.

I peeled my eyes away from my drink then turned to Brock and asked, ‘So, the theme is Aussie artists?’

Brock didn’t speak, only nodded his head. I needed to pick a song, and it wasn’t up for discussion. I had been put on the spot, and by the grin on Brock’s face, he was enjoying this moment. But I knew how to think on my feet. Working at the bakery had taught me that, even though this was the first time I had been to one of Zach’s birthday parties and left with no choice but to pick a song by an Aussie artist. I told myself I could do this and not make a fool of myself.

Okay, I said to myself than to anyone else. Don’t take your time or think things over, just say the first thing that comes to mind. ‘“Dumb Things” by Paul Kelly,’ I said out loud.

There was a smirk now on Brock’s face that let me know he knew the song. ‘Good choice,’ he told me before he moved his eyes to Zach and asked. ‘You got this, Zach?’

‘You gonna back me up?’ Zach mocked back.

‘Is Harley going to start us off?’ The banter between Zach and Brock came naturally. I cursed the two of them under my breath as everyone turned their heads to look between Brock, Zach and me.

‘Wow!’ I said silently to myself, mostly at their banter. Way to make myself the centre of attention.

Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I felt like I had no choice but to do this. I shot the rest of my drink, and as best I could, took a deep breath. I breathed in and let it out and tried not to be nervous. There was no walk to the stage to pick up the microphone, there was no screen in front of me to read the lyrics and there was no instrumental backing tape coming through the speakers. Instead, it was just my voice, the lyrics that I hoped I remembered and the men and their guitars.

There was a time I could easily do this, when my biggest fans were watching me. Be in the spotlight, put on a show and sing my heart out. But it had been ten years since my biggest fans had seen me sing. I thought I could sing without them and had even tried a couple of times over the years with karaoke.

But nothing had felt like it did right now. I was being put on the spot, and the number of people sitting around Zach’s fire were the same number of people I would sing to at karaoke. This should be a walk in the park for me as long as I didn’t black out.

I turned to Zach, who squeezed my hand for encouragement and nodded. The start of the song was played on both men’s guitars, and when it was my time, to sing, the words that came out were the first few lines of Paul Kelly’s ‘Dumb Things’. I had sung them solo; they had come out raspy from not warming up properly, but I didn’t care. I had heard my dad in those four lines that I’d sung. His voice had always been raspy when he sang, and I’d loved it.

To my relief, by the time I got to the fifth line Zach joined me as I sang, and by the time we got to the end of the first verse, everyone belted out the best part of the song: its title. Everyone knew this song and when we got to the second verse, we all sang the words through to the end. My voice had been drowned out by everyone else’s, but I was happy everyone had joined in with me.

‘Damn, woman! You really can sing.’ Brock was as impressed by my vocals as much as Zach was. Their kind words were nice to hear.

‘Your voice gives me shivers,’ Shea said as she smiled at me. ‘You would sound great at the bar, the one Zach works at. You should sing next time there’s an event on.’ She sounded confident that I could do that, but I wasn’t so sure.

I didn’t answer Shea. What was I supposed to say to her? While I had proven to everyone here that I could sing, it didn’t mean I could get up in front of a bar full of people and be in the spotlight. Tonight felt the same as when I would sing with my family. I was comfortable with myself and my voice. But I was a long way from any kind of performing again.

‘What song would you pick for your man to sing?’ Someone asked, but I was not sure which of Zach’s friends had spoken to me.