Page 19 of Blackout

‘You did great.’ Zach stated of my ability to wow his friends. ‘How do you like your eggs?’

‘Poached.’ I took a seat at the breakfast bar and watched Zach move around his kitchen with ease. Not once in my presence had he wavered; he was perfectly confident, and I was only slightly jealous.

To be that confident, to be able to handle my emotions and to not be exhausted all the time would make me extremely happy. But I wanted back the one thing that was missing in my life: One day, music would wash over me, and I wouldn’t feel so crippled by it.

‘Hey?’ Zach sought my attention. ‘Earth to Harley, your brekky is ready.’

I looked up and I realised I had zoned out. ‘I’m sorry.’ I wished I was confident just like Zach. We ate our breakfast in companionable silence, and then with my coffee cup in hand I moved back to the glass doors behind Zach. ‘It’s beautiful here,’ I said to myself and opened the door to go outside.

Eight

‘I wouldn’t go out there.’ But it was too late; I was outside on the veranda. I was about to ask him why when on its way towards me the meanest looking dog I had ever seen.

I stood still, coffee cup in hand, staring down at the dog and cursing myself. ‘Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit’. The Staffordshire bull terrier that had appeared out of nowhere came to a complete stop in front of me.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the black dog with a white tummy panted at my feet, turning my head while the rest of me stayed still just in case I was about to be dog meat. I saw Zach standing behind me in disbelief. The look on his face made me want to turn around and kiss him, but I didn’t move, just turned my attention back to the dog.

‘She doesn’t like a lot of people, that’s why you didn’t see her last night. But I’ve never seen her drop at anyone’s feet.’

‘What’s her name?’

‘Abby.’ Zach now stood beside me.

‘Can I pat her?’ I asked as I handed over my coffee cup.

‘I’m sure she’ll let you. She seems to like you.’

I reached down and scratched behind Abby’s ear. The way she moved her head to look at me, I knew I had hit the right spot.

‘Hi, Abby.’ I crouched down to introduce myself. ‘My name is Harley. It’s very nice to meet you, and I appreciate that I am not your next meal.’

The dog panted and lifted her paw onto my knee, and Zach laughed.

‘Really.’ I turned to look at Zach. ‘I thought I was about to become dog meat.’

‘At least you didn’t black out,’ Zach said to me with a shit-eating grin on his face that bordered another laugh. ‘That would be twice in twelve hours that I would have had to catch you.’

I stopped mid-scratch, and Abby barked once at the loss of contact as I stood and turned to Zach, slapping his chest. ‘It’s not funny.’ But I tried really hard not to crack my lips into a smile or laugh.

‘Come on, babe. I just want to see you scrunch your face up a me.’ Zach grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers. ‘Same as last night. Come on, you know you want to.’

‘Why?’ I fought to keep the emotions away from my face.

‘Because you’re beautiful.’ Zach took hold of the hand that rested on his chest and moved both of my hands behind him until we stood toe to toe. Somehow my coffee cup had landed on the kitchen windowsill.

I looked up at Zach as he looked down at me. I was about to protest his comment when I felt warmth on my lips. Zach’s lips were on mine. Like a zap of electricity, I stepped back, not yet ready for his affection. I was a mess of sentiments I hadn’t dealt with in ten years. Standing a foot back from Zach I wondered if it was possible to feel this way after only twenty-four hours with someone. Like. Lust. Love. The heady emotions tumbled over me, but I had really fallen for the comfortableness that Zach emitted.

‘I’m sorry.’ This wasn’t exactly how I thought this moment would go, a kiss from Zach. But I had to expect the unexpected from now on. My life wasn’t going to be Groundhog Day anymore. As for Zach and his lips pressed into mine, what was he thinking? I wasn’t a sleeping beauty; I didn’t need a reawakening. Then again, maybe I did. Maybe I was naïve and maybe Zach knew more than he was prepared to share with me. But I didn’t want this to be how Zach kissed me, not without opening up to me first. Because the boy I’d known, he’d talked to me, he’d let his guard down, he’d held my hand and kissed my fingers all the while I’d leant into him.

Back then, we’d met as often as we could. Always in the same spot, down the side of his house. It had taken me weeks to work up the courage to kiss the boy I’d lived next door to. Our first kiss was a goodbye kiss, and I’d given Zach the promise of more when I’d pushed him up against the side of his house with my hands on his chest, pressing my lips to his. I remember the moment I stepped away, and how quick Zach was to spin me around and pin me to the same spot to kiss me more passionately. It was a kiss I had never forgotten.

Zach and I would talk most afternoons when I went to collect Addison from the house next to ours. Addison and Lex, Zach’s sister, were in the same year and after we’d moved in next door, they had become best friends. I’d met Zach one afternoon when I’d knocked on his door wanting Addison to come home. From that day, Zach and I gradually became friends.

Those afternoons were the only time we’d spent together, but I hadn’t cared. I’d had all of Zach’s attention and he’d had all of mine. I had never crushed on a boy or even liked a boy before Zach, and I hadn’t even known if what I felt then had been the beginnings of love.

Did I even know what love was? After all I had been through? My world crumbling around me, while I suppressed anything in my life that was a reminder of that fateful night. Living every day the same and not knowing how to move on.

With tears in my eyes as I remembered how that kiss felt and the events that had happened after, I turned away from Zach and in a quiet voice, said. ‘I just don’t know what this is between you and me.’