Page 20 of Blackout

Then I started to ramble. ‘We locked eyes over my bourbon and lemonade two nights ago, then you rescued me from the bar and made sure I was okay the next morning – before you dragged me along to a party that was actually your birthday. As for your lips when they land on my skin, there’s a connection between you and me that I don’t know how to explain.’

Zach still stood in the spot where I left him. Was he also lost in memories of another time? Had he even heard anything I had rambled on about? Was he stunned that I pulled away from his kiss? Had I left him speechless? I didn’t know what to make of his balled fists, the look on his face or his deflated posture. I moved backward away from him as he shook his head in disbelief, or was that for me not to move another inch. I wasn’t sure, so I stopped and stared at him. I could see the pain, his face contorted, and I’d done that.

I wanted so badly to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. Had I said something wrong? Done something wrong? I needed to move. I took a deep breath and turned. Putting one foot in front of the other. I walked down the steps of the veranda and across the lawn with Abby at my feet.

I wiped at the wetness in my eyes. I was not used to confronting how I felt. Abby nudged my fingers, and I reached down to scratch her head. ‘What’s up, girl?’ I said quietly.

‘Hey!’

I heard this yelled behind me, and I wondered if it was for the dog or for me, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t look back; I needed to walk off these feelings I didn’t know how to process. What I had bottled up over the last ten years now had stress lines and the beginnings of cracks. The pressure was working its way outwards. There had to be a way to let go of whatever had worked its way up to the surface before my breathing became too ragged and my heart raced out of control.

‘Harley, please wait.’

I stopped but didn’t turn around to look at Zach.

‘Here, put these on.’ A pair of thongs landed near my feet, and I slipped into them as Zach spoke. ‘Will there ever be a day where you won’t surprise me?’

He asked the question, but I wasn’t meant to answer.

‘I hope not,’ Zach continued. ‘I don’t know what this is between us, but I would like to. I’d like to spend some time with you and see where this goes.’

‘Okay,’ I told him with a small smile, happy that he’d opened up to me in the tiniest of ways.

‘Good, it’s settled then. Now do you want to see the best part of this property?’ The grin on Zach’s face was ginormous.

I nodded my head, and a jubilant Zach led the way with my hand in his through the rest of his backyard and down a little track just behind his bar. He whistled for Abby to follow, and we walked the one hundred metres down to a little piece of cleared beach that led to the river. Abby ran right past us and straight into the water. That dog was crazy. The water must be anything but warm.

‘This is paradise,’ I told Zach. ‘But your dog is nuts, that water must be freezing.’

‘She’s a little crazy,’ he admitted of his dog. ‘But you should try the water.’

I walked towards the water, about to try it, when I was picked up and ceremoniously dropped into it.

‘Zach!’ I screeched more than screamed, surprised first by how cold it was and then by how quickly I warmed up under the water. I stayed here for a few minutes and watched him as he watched me. Thoughts of Zach filled my head, like how he would feel stretched out on top of me. That man was something, and I suddenly wished he was already mine.

I stepped out of the water completely drenched, making a beeline for Zach. Jumping on him, I covered him in my wet clothes. He caught me, and I wrapped my legs around him.

Minutes passed with my legs wrapped around his waist. The parts of me that touched him felt delightful, felt like I belonged right there in his arms. I wanted to resist the urge to kiss him, but I couldn’t. There was a need in me that wanted to know if the zap of electricity would always be there. As I moved my lips closer to his, I was one breath away when Zach spun us around away from the river to dump me into the sand.

Air escaped my lungs as he pressed his body on top of mine, but my legs weren’t wrapped around him anymore. I was flat against the sand, and his lips were close to my ear when I heard, ‘Harley, you feel so good. I want to taste you, all of you.’ I knew he meant the feel of my body against his, and while his body felt so damn good against mine, I knew this wasn’t the right time or place for intimacy. It had been some time since I’d been intimate with a man.

But did I want to resist? I was trapped under Zach and on top of the sand, yet while he felt good against me, the sand didn’t. Even though I didn’t want to stay here forever, I did want this moment to last a little longer.

I felt the brush of Zach’s lips on my skin and his hardness press against my pubic bone. Then his lips were at my ear again when he said, ‘I’m going to make the first move, Harley, make no mistake. And when I do, you’ll feel so good, and it will be for keeps.’

I felt tingles run through my body and hit my sex as his words registered in my brain. My panties were wet and not just from the river. Then as if it never happened, the tingles disappeared as Zach’s body was gone from mine. My body was unhappy at the loss of his touch, but he didn’t notice. He just took hold of my hands and pulled me up off the sand. As soon as I was steady on my feet, he let go of my hands, turned towards the house and walked away.

Maybe Zach thought I was one step behind him, even though we were both lost in thought. Would he look over his shoulder to notice I wasn’t there? I didn’t blame him for being lost in thought: first he’d kissed me then I pulled away, and then when I wanted to kiss him, he’d dumped me in the sand. Had I confused Zach by not knowing what I wanted?

I willed my legs to move, but they didn’t. I stood there shaking, a little from the cold water all over my body and a little from the loss of body contact. In my mind, I replayed the words he’d whispered to me, and the feeling of our chemistry. There was positively something between us, something familiar with a dash of the unknown. I hoped that my haste to get away from Melbourne didn’t make me regret my snap decision to blow off steam in this little country town on the Murray River.

I shook what sand I could get off me, but I was wet so not much came off. Only a shower would get it all. I tried not to think about what had just happened between my legs and the wetness that had pooled there when Zach had laid his body over mine and pressed against me. But a rush of excitement flowed through my veins, and I almost felt giddy. My connection with Zach was something that had never happened before, and now I wanted more. My body wanted more.

Sex wasn’t new to me. I had lost my virginity and even tried a few one-night stands, but had only been going through the motions. I didn’t feel anything compared to how Zach had just made me feel. After I’d blacked out that night on stage five years ago, I shut down completely to focus on work. Sex was the last thing I’d thought about or had time for.

I made my way back from the river through the backyard and up to the house to see Zach at his kitchen door. Abby was by his side, my coffee cup in his hand. He’d waited for me. I stripped out of my sandy clothes and wiped what sand I could off my body with my tee-shirt as I reached the veranda, thankful I was still dressed in my underwear.

I gave the tee-shirt a shake and threw it over my shoulder. As I walked up to the kitchen door, I felt Zach’s eyes on me, on the parts of me that were naked. Did he like what he saw? My curvy pasty-white body. His eyes lingered on my body but then moved back to my face. As stoic as Zach was at times, and as much as I wanted to believe he gave nothing away, when my eyes snagged Zach’s, I saw the arousal in them from our moment on the sand.