Page 42 of Blackout

‘You were incredible,’ Zach said.

‘Thank you, Zach, for being here. But I need you need to go too,’ I said softly.

‘No,’ Zach said as he came to stand in front of me.

‘Zach.’ I tried to formulate the words that I would say to him. ‘Spending time with you has been incredible, and I will forever be grateful for the break I’ve had. But if the last four days have taught me anything, it’s that I don’t really know myself other than a workaholic who used work to escape actually living. I need to figure out who I am.’ And I needed to do this on my own, to find my free-spirited independence the same as Addison had. ‘So I would appreciate the space to do this.’ I needed to prove to myself I could do this. Not rely on anyone or my job, just myself.

‘Believe me.’ I grabbed Zach’s hand. ‘If there were any other way to find what I’m looking for, I would do it.’

Zach hadn’t pulled away just yet, so I brought his hand up to cup my face and kissed his palm. ‘I told you, I’m a mess, and I’m going to change that. I want to be the woman you deserve.’

Zach tilted my head back with the hand that cupped my face, then he leaned in and pressed his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes and let his touch sink in. Then Zach let go of my face and walked out. I touched the necklace he had placed around my neck yesterday as I told myself there was work I needed to do. Not at the bakery, but on me.

Twenty-one

I had asked for space. Told Zach to leave. The only person who calmed me, I had made leave my house. I believed it was a good idea. What I needed to do, I had to do myself.

My first night without Zach was not the best, and I knew every night without him would only get worse, until I didn’t sleep at all. I tossed and turned and thought about him all night. But as I laid in bed and willed myself to sleep, I decided it was time to take responsibility for myself.

The first thing I needed to take care of was the bakery. After today’s family meeting and the look Grandpa gave me, something didn’t feel right, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. The other thing I needed to take care of was me, and that meant I needed to talk to someone about my dad’s death and the accident. I needed to understand the insomnia and also why I blacked out. There had to be a better way to cope. Then I needed to figure out if Zach and I could be more than the moments we had already spent together, because I definitely wanted to spend more time with him if he’d have me.

The next day I was on a mission to find some answers. But after a shitty night’s sleep and three cups of coffee, I didn’t feel as brave now as I had last night when I’d talked myself into this. Butterflies in my stomach this morning told me I was almost back to how I’d felt before my break. But not quite. Today was a brand-new day and I had to accept that a lot of things from now on would be new. That different would be good.

I was about to leave my house when I heard a knock at my door. Surely, I thought to myself, Zach wasn’t going to come back to try and change my mind. If he were on the other side of my door, I didn’t even know what I would do. But when I opened the door, it wasn’t Zach but someone just as familiar: Lex. Had Zach, like that night at his bar, sent his sister to check up on me? What had Zach told Lex? Why would she show up at my house randomly?

‘If you’ve come here to lecture me about Zach and tell me how much of an idiot I am, you can go right ahead, but I have somewhere I need to be.’ I let her into my house anyway.

‘Jesus!’ Lex laughed, straight off the bat. ‘I’m not here to give you a hard time about my brother. Yes, Zach sent me to make sure you were okay and hadn’t fallen off the deep end. He’s just worried. You’re back in his life, and he doesn’t want to lose you again.’

‘I’m fine, Lex, and you can tell your brother I’m okay,’ I told Lex honestly. ‘I have a few things to figure out and take care of, then I want to make a plan to be with Zach. I don’t want to lose him again either.’

‘Thank God!’ Lex exclaimed. ‘You know you’ve had the hots for him for like ever! And him for you. But you could talk to me. Let me help you.’

‘Thank you, Lex, but as I said to your brother, I need to do this by myself. I appreciate your offer to talk, but I don’t want to burden you with my shit.’

She nodded her understanding. ‘I know we were never close when we lived next to each other, Harley, but if you are going to be in Zach’s life, then this is me reaching out to you. I would like us to be friends.’ Lex placed the business card that was in her hand on my kitchen table, then she turned to face me. ‘I’m going to leave you my card, and if you need me for anything, please call me or send me a text.’

It was sweet that Lex cared. I’d never had someone like her in my corner since my dad had died, not even Addison. It was hard for me to accept. I reached over to pick up the card Lex put down on my kitchen table and found she had left another business card under her own. ‘I can’t call that number and you know it.’ I blurted, and just managed to refrain from rolling my eyes at her.

‘Why not?

‘Your mother’s name is on this card. Your mother may be a psychologist, but I don’t want to burden your family with my problems.’

I shuddered at the thought of the conversation Mrs Black and I would have. I didn’t want to reminisce about living next door to the Blacks. The whole reason to visit a psychologist would be to talk about me, my insomnia, my blackouts, my dad and why my heart on occasion would beat freakishly fast. I needed to work on my strength as an independent woman before I explored my relationship with Zach.

‘It’s not often that Zach talks about the women in his life, but he’s been talking to Mum about you,’ Lex confessed. ‘She knows you’re back in his life.’

So that’s how Zach knew he could put me in a cold bath. But I still didn’t want to talk Mrs Black; I only wanted to talk to someone who didn’t know me.

‘Harley, honey. No one who knows us Blacks wants to be psychoanalysed by my mother, not even her own adult children, but she has several people working for her you could talk to.’ The look Lex gave me told me I should know this. ‘Please tell me you will think about it?’ Lex reached out and squeezed my hand for encouragement. I returned her gesture with the nod of my head.

‘Will do,’ I agreed. I needed Lex to go so I could get to the bakery. ‘But I really do need to go now.’ I grabbed my handbag and threw it over my shoulder as we both walked towards my front door.

Lex hugged me goodbye on the street, and we headed in opposite directions. The bakery wasn’t too far, and that was a good thing for my legs, but not so good if I wanted to snoop around the office. We all lived about the same distance. We were all within five kilometres from the factory in our own houses. The factory, and everyone’s living arrangements, were all tangled together, that much I knew. But I needed to know more.

I decided the first thing I needed to do was to find the bakery’s business terms, the ones I’d stumbled upon recently, and look at them more closely. The James Family Bakery needed an overhaul because I wasn’t going to be managing the business anymore.

I needed to sort through all the paperwork in the office that I could find before I went in search of a lawyer to help me with the business. Because after yesterday’s family meeting, I had convinced myself that Grandpa James was hiding something.