Page 12 of We're All Liars
“Hilarious,” I say flatly as she tucks her hand under her arm, hiding the ring.
“He knows all about you. Maybe the two of you can meet soon. I think you’d really like him. He loves being on the water and is out on Lake Pontchartrain every free moment he gets.”
On the lake? I wonder if he uses the same marina I work at. “Where have you been living?”
She hesitates for a second before she says, “Slidell.”
“On the other side of the fucking lake. That’s where you buried your head in the sand?” I’d always imagined her being in another state or somewhere far away, not just a short freaking car ride away.
She looks almost ashamed as she says, “I wanted to stay close in case you or your brother ever needed me.”
“Yeah, because I knew exactly where to find you in case Ineededyou, right?” This was all wrong. I should leave. The more I hear, the worse my stomach turns, my chest tightens, and my fist clenches.
I can’t lose my shit here. But all I want to do is throw something, punch the wall, fling the fancy fucking marble table over the balcony. But I won’t. It wouldn’t change anything.
“I’m sorry,” she cries, a soft sob escaping as she swipes at her cheek. “I swear to you, I will be here if you ever need me. I want to be a part of your life. I understand it might not be a big part, but I don’t want to lose you again.”
Her sad act doesn’t register on my radar. The pain and hurt she caused me won’t allow me to pity her. And all I can think is how Morgan hates me because I left her. This clusterfuck is mounting, and I’ve had enough.
“I forgive you.” The sentiment leaves my mouth before I think twice. I hear her gasp at my words, her tears falling faster. “But just because I forgive you doesn’t mean I want you in my life. Go back to doc and live in your happy world. Because I’ll never need you. My life won’t be any worse if I walk out that door and never set eyes on you again.”
I finally have the answer for Morgan, the reason I can keep coming back to her but not want anything to do with my mother. It’s because I know how it feels when someone leaves when you need them the most. My mother did it to me, and I can’t see any way to get over that pain. But I made Morgan feel that same hurt. And I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. So the reason I keep going back to her is simple: I will spend the rest of my life trying to earn her forgiveness; I can’t stand the thought of making someone else feel as low and worthless as I was made to feel.
13
MORGAN
“Come on! Let’s dance!” Savannah shouts as she begins without me.
“No,” I tell her, which doesn’t impede her gyrations.
Ava sits next to me on the stone step of the mausoleum and is more on my level, which is unenthusiastic at best. Halloween in the cemetery next to Saint Juliet has been a tradition forever. This year it seems like a waste of time. Why did I even show up? I don’t fucking know. I don’t fucking know why I did any of this shit today, including putting on my witch costume and playing along. On the outside, I’m going through the motions. But inside, I’m numb.
Refilling the shot glass, I down the whiskey, then fill it up again before pouring some in Ava’s tumbler. She stares at the liquid for a second before taking a sip.
Motioning to where several five-gallon beverage dispensers filled with Wildcat Punch are lined up, she says, “I can’t bring myself to drink any of that.”
“Same.” I gulp down another shot. Ava and I are of the same mind on that front—we both want to make sure there’s nothing in our drinks that we aren’t aware of. Which is why I’ve only drank from one of the many bottles supplied by Topher, but more importantly, one I opened.
“Everything is so different now.” Ava gives me a quick glance.
I watch the drunken students stumbling around, another group dancing as the music thumps in the distance. “Feels like the same bullshit to me.”
“Yes, it really is,” she mutters as she takes in the same scene I’m viewing.
Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything else. Because I really don’t feel like chatting. I don’t even feel like being here. But it’s easier than leaving right now. So, I refill my glass and swallow the liquid down. It’s no longer burning my throat, and I should slow down. Instead, I take another right after. Everything is numb. Maybe my thoughts will follow along. Because here comes Cade. There’s something weird between us. And I don’t like it. I can handle the hatred or sexual tension. But not the weirdness. It shouldn’t be that way. But I had to go and stupidly ask him why he could forgive me and not his mom. Why do I care that his response was “I don’t know”? But the lack of answer bothers me. Because the hard questions to answer are usually the ones that do the most damage.
“You might want to pace yourself.” Cade drops on the step beside me.
“Sure will.” I take another shot.
He shakes his head. He knows it’s futile. Same way I know all this is pointless too.
“I’m going to find Topher.” Ava disappears down one of the aisles between the tombs and leaves me and Cade sitting alone. Just great. Now going home is the easier option.
“Where’s Ryder?” I try to stand but stumble a bit. Automatically, I grasp Cade’s shoulder to steady myself.
“He left with Harrison, but I’ll give you a ride home.” Cade stands, his arm looping naturally behind my lower back to support me.