Page 42 of No Rules
David nodded, a dreamy look in his eyes. “One day, I hope to find that.”
Why was Ryan the first person Alex thought of? He should know better. Ryan wasn’t relationship material. He’d made that abundantly clear, and after learning about his boyfriend’s death, how could Alex doubt that? Yet he thought of him first, those brown eyes staring at him, the way Ryan’s face lit up when he allowed himself to smile, how intense he could be on the job. The man was a fascinating study in contrasts.
“So, Alex,” Jonah asked, looking at Alex with genuine curiosity. “How come Ryan hasn’t volunteered to be your Dom yet?”
The question hung like a tangible mist, and Alex’s chest tightened. How could he explain without betraying Ryan’s confidence? Ryan didn’t want others to know about Quinton, that much Alex was certain of. He hadn’t said it in so many words, but Alex wasn’t stupid. And now he felt torn between wanting to share his thoughts with his friends and protecting Ryan’s privacy.
“Look, guys, I can’t get into specifics. But Ryan’s got some demons he’s working through. And he’s not ready to be a Dom right now.”
Caleb nodded. “That makes sense. We’ve all got our wounds to heal.”
“Exactly,” Alex agreed. “And I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for. No matter how much I might want it myself.”
Longing settled deep within him at the thought of submitting to Ryan, the intoxicating blend of power and vulnerability that came from surrendering to someone he trusted. But he couldn’t force Ryan to confront his past before he was ready, no matter how much he wished they could move forward. Maybe if he worked hard at becoming a better submissive, Ryan would take him on after all? If he saw how good Alex could be for him?
David hesitantly spoke up. “If Ryan isn’t an active Dom, are you sure you two have the necessary boundaries and communication in place? I mean, the dynamic between a Dom and a submissive is important. It’s what keeps both parties safe, emotionally and physically.”
Alex frowned. His relationship with Ryan was far from traditional, and their lack of defined roles sometimes left him feeling adrift. But at the same time, he felt a deep connection with Ryan that went beyond labels and expectations. “I…I don’t know. I just… I trust him, you know? And I don’t want to push him away by demanding something he’s not ready for.”
“Nobody’s saying you should push him, Alex,” Jonah said. “But if I may put my Dom hat on for a moment, I can’t help but see the dangers here. If your dynamic isn’t defined, do you have safeguards in place?”
Alex shifted in his seat, chewing on his lower lip. Was that what Wander had meant when he’d addressed Ryan in the hallway? When he’d told him to make a choice? It hadn’t changed much, though, had it?
Burke leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I agree with Jonah, and this is also coming from someone who did train as a Dom. It’s great you trust Ryan, but you need to make sure you’re both on the same page. D/s relationships are built on trust, communication, and clear boundaries. Without those, there’s potential for harm.”
Caleb nodded in agreement. “It’s not only about protecting yourself either. It’s also about Ryan understanding what you expect from him as a Dom. If he’s not willing or able to fulfill that role, it’s better to know now than to find out when you’re invested.”
Oh, that ship had sailed ages ago. Ryan might not be Alex’s official Dom, but he thought of him in that role regardless. He hadn’t even replied to Master Mark’s email about a second scene. He’d told himself it was because he’d been busy, but he damn well knew the truth. He was still harboring hope Ryan would change his mind and agree to be his Dom after all.
He was such an idiot.
As he looked around the room, his friends’ faces all showing concern and empathy, Alex knew they were right. He couldn’t keep doing this, couldn’t keep putting himself—and Ryan—at risk. “I’ll talk to him. I just… I need a little time to figure out what I want to say.”
“Take all the time you need, man.” Jonah clapped him on the back. “We’re here for you, no matter what.”
“Thanks, guys.”
As they moved on to lighter topics, Alex was lost in thought, his mind racing as he tried to untangle the complex web of emotions regarding Ryan. Was he invested in Ryan, or was it the thrill of submission that had captivated him? Were his feelings for Ryan that different from what he’d experienced when submitting to Master Mark?
The answer came to him with startling clarity. They were different. Very different. He cared deeply for Ryan, far more than he’d allowed himself to admit.
Fuck.
There was only one solution. He had to stop playing with him. He had to commit to working with Master Mark and forget about Ryan ever becoming his Dom, or he’d never walk away unscathed.
Though it was probably already too late for that.
14
Ryan was in a pisser of a mood. Not that exceptional by any standards, but the dark cloud that always seemed to hang over him was even darker and cloudier than usual.
It was probably because they weren’t getting anywhere with the case. They’d checked out Darren Hartley, but he’d moved to Kentucky a few months prior and hadn’t even been anywhere close during the race. In a phone call, he’d had some choice words when asked about Marilyn, but he’d also had an ironclad alibi, so that was another dead end.
He’d have to talk to Marilyn to update her, as he’d done almost daily, and discuss the option of talking to the cops. Chances were it wouldn’t get them anywhere, but on the off chance that the cops might be willing to share information with them, they had to try.
He wanted to discuss it with Alex, who had a sharp mind and excellent insights into people’s motivations and paid attention. But it would have to wait till tomorrow because Alex had another scene with Master Mark. When Alex had told him that morning, he’d looked at Ryan funny, almost as if he’d expected Ryan to protest.
He hadn’t. How could he? Did he think Mark was slicker than snot on a doorknob? Abso-fucking-lutely. Though technically, it wasn’t even that. Mark was a fine Dom, and when Ryan wasn’t so fucking annoyed with himself and the whole world, he could admit that.