Page 86 of No Rules

“Why?”

“Because it wasn’t you. It wasn’t the sharing part. I’m a slut. You know that. The idea of being used by multiple guys is a huge turn-on for me…but I need you to be in charge. I need to do that with you as my Dom because you’ll keep me safe. You know my limits. You can read me like no one else. And…I trust you.” Warmth filled him as the truth hit him all over again. “I love you.”

“Oh, baby boy…” Ryan pressed his forehead against Alex’s. “It humbles me how you say that so easily and freely.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do, and that’s what makes it so special.” He leaned back and met Alex’s eyes. “But why didn’t you safeword with Mark?”

“I don’t know. I keep trying to convince myself I would have if you hadn’t barged in and stopped everything, but the truth is that I’m not sure. Master Mark is… He’s a good Dom, and he wasn’t doing anything I didn’t want. He went over my limits with me, and I had agreed to sharing.”

“Help me understand what happened, then, because when I saw you with him, I knew something was wrong. I picked up on your signals.”

“You did. All I can say is I needed Mark to be my Dom…since you wouldn’t do it. I didn’t want to ask Lowell, since we work together, or Jesse because we live in his house. I wanted you, but you wouldn’t do it.”

Ryan frowned. “But we work together as well. Why was that not an argument with me?”

“It should’ve been, but the heart wants what it wants. It’s always been you, Ryan. From day one. No one pushed my buttons like you did. No one made me as angry…or made me feel as much, period. I wanted you, and then I started to like you, but you were determined to keep things casual between us. What choice did I have? I wanted to be trained as a sub, and Master Mark was my only option. So when he proposed that scene, I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to be a good sub, and I had told him that was my thing…”

“I failed you.”

Alex widened his eyes. “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, baby boy, I did. I played with you, pushing buttons I damn well knew I had no right to push.”

“That’s what Wander called you out on.”

“He did, and while I realized he was right, I didn’t grasp the big picture yet. I should never have used you the way I did, and I’m sorry.”

Was the world coming to an end? In the last week, Ryan had done all these things Alex had never seen or heard from him. He’d been gentle and kind, tenderhearted and almost romantic, and now he was apologizing? “Whoareyou?”

Ryan winced. “I’m not even gonna pretend I don’t understand that remark. The fact that you’re asking me that after I apologize, well, that speaks volumes.” He sighed. “Honestly, baby boy, I have no clue how you can love me after what I did to you.”

Alex sat up straight. “Hold on. Don’t take this too far.”

Ryan pushed himself up as well. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll accept your apologies for playing my Dom when you had no intention of being what and who I needed. That’s fair. But don’t act like everything we shared was against my will. I’m a slut, Ryan. I like sex. I like to be used. I love it when you slam me against the wall and fuck me. Or when you fuck me in public. Or what we just did. That’s not something to apologize for.”

“No?”

“No.”

Ryan threw up his hands. “I don’t know how to do this. I feel like… You told me you loved me, which made me realize how little I have given you. I want to be a better man, one who is worthy and deserving of your love, but I don’t know how.”

Was he trying to break Alex’s heart? Because that was exactly what he was doing. Not the bad heartbreak, the kind that would leave marks, but the good kind, where he was confirmed that this was a man worth loving. “Ry, you don’t need to do anything to be worthy or deserving of my love. I already love you, remember?”

Ryan swallowed. “You called me Ry.”

“Yeah. Is that okay?”

“No one’s ever called me that.”

“I’ll be the first then. And the only one.”

“I’d like that…” Ryan took a deep breath. “So are you saying I don’t need to change?”

Alex hesitated. How did he word this right? “No, but…I want you to change in ways that will make you happier. Not me. I love you the way you are. But I think that some of what you went through, like what happened with Quinton, impacts you to this day and robs you of some of the happiness you could experience, and I don’t want that for you.”