Page 87 of No Rules

Ryan bowed his head. “I can’t believe that even now, you think of me before yourself. How can you say that and then believe I deserve you? I’m a selfish bastard.”

Alex took his hand. “Yeah, but apparently, I like selfish bastards.”

“Jesus, baby boy, you’re killing me.” Ryan laced their fingers together. “Now, don’t get your hopes up, okay, because I don’t want to disappoint you. But I want to try to be…better. Happier.”

“Be yourself, Ryan. I don’t expect you to become Mr. Sunshine. All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I am. Happier than I ever thought possible. And that’s all you, baby boy. You make me happy.”

What more did Alex need than that? “You make me happy too, Ry.”

28

Ryan had never been so confused in his life. Ever since that day they’d faced Jeffries, he’d been out of sorts. He’d asked himself things he never had before, had doubted himself in areas he’d always been confident in, and he’d questioned his feelings in ways he never had. How could he be a grown-ass man and not know how and what he felt?

Because he didn’t. One second, he was convinced he was in love with Alex because, seriously, how could he not be? His baby boy was perfect in every way, the sunshine that had brought light into the darkness of Ryan’s existence.

But then the doubt crept in. Was he even capable of love after Quinton? Hell, had he ever loved Quinton to begin with? If he had, why had he been content to keep him a secret? Wasn’t that proof he was the selfish bastard his inner demons accused him of being?

But if he had loved Quinton, that meant he was capable of love again. That he could love Alex. But did he?

Jesus, he was driving himself crazy, his thoughts going in circles, always returning to the same point. Was he a man capable of love? Or had something inside him gotten damaged, making him incapable of fully and wholly loving another person? He couldn’t figure it out.

“What’s wrong with you?” Wander asked him after a meeting. “Did you even hear a word I said?”

Luckily, Ryan had always been able to process information, even when half his brain was distracted by something else. “Yeah, you told us your brother Roman had some personal issues and might be moving in with us for a while.”

“Okay, so at least you heard that. That still doesn’t explain why you’re acting weird.”

Ryan sighed. “How am I weird?”

“You haven’t been yourself, yeah? You’re off, acting different. Don’t tell me I’m imagining things.”

“No, you’re not. I’m…dealing with some stuff.”

Wander quirked an eyebrow. “Anything I can help with?”

“Not unless you can tell me how to know if you’re in love with someone.”

Wander blinked. “Okay, then. Let me switch gears here. How did I know I loved Burke?” He scratched his beard. “Like you, I’m not a soft man, Ryan. I’ve never been. So when I found myself experiencing feelings I’d never had before, this soft tenderness, this deep need to take care of Burke, I knew something was different.”

Softness and tenderness. That rang true. “I don’t even know if I’m capable of love.”

“Why wouldn’t you be?”

“I had a boyfriend. Back when I was a detective. I arrested this mobster, and his brother wanted revenge. When he couldn’t get to me, he went after Quinton and killed him. That’s when I quit the force and became a PI.”

“I know,” Wander said calmly. “You didn’t think I’d hire you without running a background check, yeah?”

“You never mentioned it.”

Wander shrugged. “Figured it was none of my business if you didn’t want to talk about it. But what does this have to do with whether you’re capable of love or not?”

“I hid him.” Ryan winced. “No one knew about Quinton other than my mom and sister. I never told my coworkers. Cops, you know? Not exactly known for being gay-friendly. But when Quinton died, I found out they’d known all along and had never said anything. I’d kept him my dirty secret for no reason at all.”

Wander put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry you felt you had to make that decision. It’s not an easy call, and I can understand your fears. But again, what does this have to do with love?”

“How can I claim I loved Quinton when I hid him from the world? When I forced him to be my dirty secret…only to have him killed because of me.”