Page 88 of No Rules
Wander took his hand off Ryan’s shoulder and held it up. “Hold on. Back up there. It’s not your fault Quinton got killed.”
“They wanted revenge on me, and he paid the price.”
“Ryan, how many times has this happened? How many times have you heard of mobsters or bad guys taking revenge against the family of a cop?”
Ryan frowned. “It’s rare. Why?”
“It’s extremely rare. So why would you blame yourself? You had no way of knowing this could happen. It wasn’t even a calculated risk.”
“But… But he died because of me.”
“No, Ryan. Quinton died because of the actions of a madman, of an evil person. Not because of you.”
“Even so, if I had truly loved him, wouldn’t I have been honest about him? Love is not forcing someone to stay in the closet.”
“It’s not that black and white, Ryan. Did you grieve him when he died?”
Ryan swallowed, his throat tight. “I wanted to die with him. I didn’t think I’d ever smile again.”
“That’s love. If you hadn’t loved him, you wouldn’t have felt that way. You wouldn’t have experienced all this guilt, and you wouldn’t have felt devastated.”
Huh. Ryan had never looked at it like that, but what Wander had said made sense. And Ryan had loved the time he’d spent with Quinton. He’d been different from Alex, far more introverted, though he’d been a total brat as a sub. He’d been sweet outside of that, caring. He’d wanted nothing more than to take care of Ryan. They’d been good together, and Ryan had been debating asking Quinton to marry him—knowing he’d have to come out for that.
“I did love him,” he said hoarsely. “Part of me died with him.”
Wander squeezed his shoulder. “I can’t even imagine.”
“But does that mean I’m still capable of love? Can I trust it after what happened?”
“I wish I could promise you that nothing will ever happen to Alex, but I can’t. Life is uncertain and tragedies happen. But tell me. If you knew then what you know now, would you have made the same choice? Would you have chosen Quinton again?”
Ryan didn’t even need to think about it. “Yeah, only this time, I wouldn’t have hidden him. I would’ve shown the whole world how proud I was to have him by my side.”
“Then there’s your answer, yeah? Love is always worth the risk, even if you know it’ll only be temporary. Loving Alex is worth it, Ryan. I’m telling you. If Burke died tomorrow, God forbid, I’d be grateful for every day I got to spend with my amazing man…and I’d choose him all over again if I could.”
“Thank you.” Ryan frowned. “Wait. I never told you it was Alex.”
Wander snorted. “You think I’m fucking blind? Of course you’re in love with him.”
“How the fuck would you know when I can’t even figure it out myself?”
“I knew when you safeworded his scene with Mark. You were jealous, and I have never seen you jealous. Ever. You cared for that boy, and that’s only grown deeper. You love him.”
“He told me he’s in love with me. It made me feel so small.”
“Yeah, love can do that. It’s humbling and baffling at the same time to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who loves us.”
No kidding. “I don’t know if I’m good enough for him. I’m so much older, and on top of that, I’m a grumpy, selfish asshole.”
Wander grinned. “Pretty sure he’s well aware of both and loves you anyway. Take it for the miracle it is, my friend. And you’d better tell him before he changes his mind.”
He wasn’t wrong. “I need to put a ring on him. Claim him.”
“Holy shit, you really go from zero to a hundred.” He slapped Ryan on the back. “Good luck with that, and let me know when the wedding is…”
With a last hearty squeeze of Ryan’s shoulder, Wander walked off.
Right. Maybe Wander had a point, and Ryan should take this one step at a time. Surely, the first step would be to tell Alex how he felt, that he’d finally seen the light. Wander had told everyone to head to the gym to spar, so at least Ryan knew where to find him. But was it okay to walk in there and announce it? Or did he have to make some kind of grand gesture? In that case, he was shit out of luck. It had taken him long enough to figure this out. He couldn’t afford to spend another week trying to come up with something spectacular. The truth would have to do.